Friday, December 15, 2006

At least I don't have the image of Geena Davis in a bra in my head.

I know that I'm not the only person who gets random songs stuck in her head, but am I the only one who gets really, really stupid random songs in her head? And I'm not talking, like, "Careless Whisper" by George Michael or "(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew. I'm talking like "The Dipsey Doodle Dragon" from my first grade musical and the currently selection running a loop in my brain--that ridiculous song that some bitch makes up in the movie A League of Their Own. You know:
We are the members of
The All-American League
We Come from cities...near and far
We've got Can-adians (woo!), Irish ones and Swedes
We're all for one!
We're one for all!
We're all American!

And yes, I just wrote that down from memory. I can do the second verse, too:
Here we stand, our heads so proudly high
Our motto: do or die
We're not the kind to use or need an alibi

"to use or need an alibi?" what kind of lyric is that? Yet somehow, it's stuck in my head, which I guess is representative of that movie in general. You never want to watch it. You certainly don't own it on DVD. But when it's on the CW Sunday afternoon movie and you're still in your PJs, you will totally sit there and watch the entire fucking thing.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Friday, December 08, 2006

Better than an apple

Yesterday one of my students brought me an index card she had found in a used book that she purchased. In very thin writing it said:
I love you

I care about you

I hear what you're saying

I can't take it anymore

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Site traffic, here we come!

I’ve noticed that visits to my extremely distinguished and deservedly famous site have dropped off lately. Is it because I never post? Because people finally realized what a hack I am? Because my best friend changed her homepage? No, it’s because I used to get 6 or 7 hits a day from people doing a google image search on Alex Trebek and coming up with this post. On the search, this photo of Alex would show up and the line “Alex Trebek and Pat Sajack making out.” And even though I spelled Sajack wrong, 6 or 7 people a day would hope that they’d see what google image had promised them. Unfortunately, that post was so long ago that I’m no longer getting the gameshow-loving pervs, so I’ve decided to post some more images and headlines in hopes that I get some weridos to my site.

Ted Danson doing nude yoga

Everyone's been making such a fuss about Danny DeVito's drunken confession on the View about banging Rhea Pearlman in the Lincoln bedroom. But am I the only one who, for some reason, finds Ted Danson and Mary Steenbergen grosser? I think it's because I see her kind of like an aunt, ever since she played Doc Brown's awkward love interest in BttFPIII.

HSN phenom Esteban fighting Zorro

In this scenario, I like to envision a duel where Zorro stabs Esteban, but then they have a strum-off, and Esteban is victorious even though he's bleeding from a chest wound.

Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak making out...again!

Treat Williams petting ALF

I made this photo myself using my very advanced Photoshop skills. A girl can dream, can't she?

Monday, November 27, 2006

Flight Patterns

While checking out my favorite website for finding flights for my yearly pilgrimage to Chicago this year, I stumbled upon this video of U.S. flights patterns. It's cool and strangely beautiful.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

World Series of Pop Culture

I've recently become obsessed with auditioning for VH1's World Series of Pop Culture, if only because I happened to catch the finals last year and knew the answer to the last question even though neither team did (Hillman College. duh). So today I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with team names. See how many of these random references you can get....

Death to Cousin Pam
Large Marge Sent Us
East Beverly High
Save Surely
Team Teamocil
Team Guttenberg (I was trying to think of something having to do with Cocoon: the Return and couldn't)
1.21 Jigowatts
Enchantment Under the Sea
California Raisins
Skippy, Kimmy, and Steve
Seinfeld Sux
Batteries Not Included
Midseason Replacements

p.s. In my search, I also came across the creepiest imdb quote page ever

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A funny guy pops his Star Wars cherry

Whether you like Star Wars or not, check out this article by Michael Morrison, who actually watched more TV than me this weekend. If only because he not only references Spaceballs, he references Full House, too.
p.s. he has a blogspot blog just like me! I can only hope that some day I, too, will be headed towards online television commentary fame

Monday, November 13, 2006

I miss Sunday

It was a red-letter day for me yesterday, folks! With some persistent re-jiggering of my tv antennae, I now not only get NBC consistently, my9 is now pristine. (I just need to find some shows to watch on that channel). To celebrate, on one of the laziest Sundays on record I watched:
4 episodes of Alias
a documentary on POWs who escaped from German camps in WWII (only to be caught and shot, sad)
half of Moulin Rouge
the Fox animation block (starring Kiefer Sutherland in one of the best Simpsons of recent memory)
the parts of Brothers & Sisters that Treat Williams was topless in
a Scrubs rerun
an episode of COPS (Sin City)

Who can blame me for not having time to clean my apartment or work on any of my freelancing? Especially when I took the time to take a shower, and put on a bra before the food delivery guy came!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I heart my new phone

My office phone became possessed this week. It would suddenly go on speakerphone for no reason, sometimes when I wasn’t even at my desk. Then all the buttons stopped working. Luckily, I work at a giant corporation, so after my cubiclemate called the phone department, it took about 15 minutes before I had a shiny brand-new dTerm series E, with my extensions pre-printed on it! The cord isn’t all tangled up! The receiver is all smooth and silky. I can’t wait to get my germs all over it.

Here’s a pic of the dTerm series E I found online. She’s so purdy!!

Writing Prompts for Seniors

Every Thursday I saunter down to Washington Square North where I teach a writing class for senior citizens. It’s with a mixture of joy and resentment that I teach this class: old people are pretty unruly, and all seem to think very highly of their own opinions. The best part of the class, though, is when I dole out writing prompts and see what they come up with. Below are some of the ones I’ve gotten the best responses from.

1. Describe a moment when someone said “I love you.”
2. Describe a favorite toy from your childhood
3. Of all the bedrooms you have ever had, which was your favorite?
4. Write about the traits you got from your mother.
5. Describe what your father did for a living and how it affected you.
6. What does love taste like?
7. Who taught you how to drive? Describe your experience.
8. Have you ever been in a car accident? Describe the situation.
9. Describe what your hometown or neighborhood was like when you were growing up.
10. What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?

Friday, November 03, 2006

Beam of light in a corporate world

Easily the best thing about my office building is the vertical scrolling LED sign above the front door.

It doesn’t have company announcements or stock quotes or anything—it’s a piece of art. Someone told me it’s by the famous artist Sophie Calle, and I hope so because I love her (if only because a fictionalized version of her appeared in one of my favorite books, Paul Auster’s Leviathan). While I’ve waiting for the elevator or for a coworker, I always read it, and then often forget what it said only moments later. Only once have I seen it say the same thing twice, and every now and then I’ll catch a glimpse of a “nipple” or “penis”—so very uncorporate. Anyway, I’ve been writing down some of the scrolling messages and here they are:

fathers often use too much force

absolutes are quicksilver results are spectacular

It’s hard to know if you’re crazy if you feel like you’re in danger all the time now

If you’re worried about an attack you should stay awake or sleep lightly with your limbs unfurled ready for action


going with the flow is soothing but risky

I often awake with tears running down my cheeks

Bodies lie in the grass some have been murdered and some are picnicking

death came and he looked like a rat with claws

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Me: Making Your Netflix Experience Better

Don’t get too jealous, but I recently received an invitation to fill out a survey online regarding my experience with Netflix. I’d taken “quick” surveys before, asking on what day I received “Project Runway Season 1 Disc 2” and so forth, but this survey was serious: it was all about you, my friends. Part of it was easy: “Do you pay attention to Netflix’s taste-in-movies similarity rating?” (YES!!), but part was more challenging: “Are your Netflix friends close friends or casual acquaintances?” (most of them are people I’ve met in singles chatrooms who I coerce into adding me as a friend and then continuously recommend Fisher Stevens movies to them so...close friends!) Perhaps because I have “more than five” Netflix friends, and I answered “yes” to “Did you recently notice a change in the Friends homepage?”, Netflix asked me for further comments. I made sure to word my criticisms carefully, so they wouldn’t be offended when I mentioned the site’s inability to set default views, and praised the “streamlined” nature of the new design. I also requested an easy way to recommend movies to friends without having to think of witty notes to leave with them. Because what do you say, exactly, about Short Circuit 2?

Thursday, October 26, 2006

That's right—I haven't posted in over a week and this is all I have to say

I’m following this Anna Nicole Smith baby fiasco verrrry carefully. Definitely more carefully than someone who subscribes to Harper’s and reads the NY Times every day should. And I have to say: I’m a little jealous of all the guys jumping up to say they’re AN’s baby daddy. I think that’s pretty much the ultimate sign of being a babe—you’re stupid, depressed, and have been known to marry for money, yet people still want to claim your child as their own. This is quite the opposite from today’s episode of Judge Hatchett, which I attended the taping of (if you look carefully you can see me 3 rows behind the defendant). In it, a woman claims that a man (her former ice cream truck driver) is the father of her 6 year-old child, but he doesn’t seem to remember sleeping with her at all. Needless to say, he WAS the father, unlike poor Howard K. Stern, who probably never did sleep with AN, even after their non–legally binding commitment ceremony.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Gross, huh?

I know you were hoping for a pic of me with my new glasses, but instead you're going to have to settle for this optical scan of my left retina. I paid 20 bucks per eye so I figure I better get my money's worth.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Tips for the Temp

Oh, I spent many a summer day temping away. It was really what instilled in me my sicko love of the office, from replacing the toner in the copier do flirting with middle aged married men with ties. So here's some tips for you, SB, for your upcoming gig (you'll get one soon!):

1. Learn how to make the coffee. First of all, it forces you to engage in nonthreatening conversation with a fellow employee. Secondly, it gives you something to do. Thirdly, people always like the person who made the coffee. And finally, you’ll have coffee.

2. Make friends with the ladies before the men (this tip is for women only). Because admin assistants can get very territorial over the guys they have flirtatious banter with, and you don’t want to unknowingly step on any toes.

3. Figure out who the stupidest person is, and ask that person questions that anyone could answer. Such as, “how do you work the fax machine?” The stupid person doesn’t get asked questions a lot and will like you for making him or her feel intellectually superior.

4. If you don’t have anything to do, continually ask if anyone needs any help. This will either keep you busy and away from the temptation of the internet, or make the person who hired you guilty for not keeping you entertained, and therefore sympathetic.

5. Bring a book. Just in case.

Monday, October 02, 2006

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

An email conversation I had with a coworker today:

1:39 PM, me:
you've never heard of an LA-based band called "After-Midnight Project," have you?

1:48 PM, her:
No. why?

2:13 PM, me:
um, first you have to promise not to judge me for this answer

2:17 PM, her:
You know I can't promise that.

2:18 PM, me:
Damn it, ok, then I'm just going to have to hope you'll love me for it: One of the kids in that band is the son of the non–Paul Reiser dad in My Two Dads.

2:25 PM, her:
Oh, was his name joe or something? The artist. That guy was not only the hotter of the two dads, he was also hot for tv dads in general. Was that show a tv adaptation of three men and a baby? This may sound sick, but I always knew stacey keenan liked that dad better, mostly b/c paul reiser was a whiny douchebag, but also because the artist dad was sexy.

2:26 PM, me:
yeah that's why when she finally got a paternity test she tore it up without looking. cuz she knew if she got caught with paul reiser for the rest of her life she'd be so pissed at herself.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Crappy Writing

So, I’ve been freelancing, doing manuscript evaluation for a self-publisher. (That is, people fork over big bucks so they can convince themselves they have a speck of talent or cultural significance, because they’ve been published). Can you guess which of the following sentences were NOT in one of the manuscripts I’ve read thus far?

1. His mother tugged on the cord connecting them like it was a line to a fish, rolling him over wavelets and troughs as hand over hand, she fetched him to her, the placenta floating and flaring like a jellyfish.
2. But time is always an uncertain ally and takes usually the side of the powerful while abandons the ones who are lazy.
3. “You’ll know me by my red hat, and my enormous jugs,” she told him.
4. These gladiators took time for prayer, and with a slap on the back and a few manly hugs, this small group moved back indoors for final preparations.

answer: #3 never appeared in a manuscript. It’s just what I say to guys on our first date.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Hooray Patrick Dempsey

In honor of tonight's season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, here is a hott photo of P.D. I've missed you, Cupcake!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

How to spend your time (and save money!) at the Port Authority

Entertain everyone else in line by trying to perfect this free soda scheme!
Though the video on this is pretty blurry, the boy explaining the trick is really cute, especially since he calls it pop rather than soda.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The "CW": Dawn of a New Era

I couldn’t help but feel it was the beginning of a new era as I was (accidentally) on hand to witness the changing of the guard as the WB 11 turned into the CW 11 last night at 10:00 p.m.

The changing from upn9 to My9 happened stealthily, in the night, so no one would notice channel 9’s humiliation and not getting the honor of being the CW affiliate. But channel 11 was going to let everyone know: we’re not just the lowest-rated network anymore. We’re a combo of the lowest rated and the second-lowest rated!

To kick off the new network, a perky blonde wearing a green suit (CW’s colors) was on hand to tell us all about the exciting new programming we’ll be seeing on the CW in the coming weeks. No longer will we have to miss good shows on upn because we were too busy with our eyes glued to the WB, she told us, without a trace of irony. Yes, it’s true: Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars will now be annoying us from the same network (wait, we’re they always?) and for you African-Americans, you’ll have your very own night—Sunday—to enjoy Everybody Hates Chris AND Girlfriends, back to back.

This is truly an exciting era in television history. Sure, a little tear came to my eye after the encore airing of the first episode of Dawson’s Creek, and that creepy top-hatted cartoon frog took a bow, but the CW is going to leave me FREE TO BE!
(photos of CW11 cake and “the WB frog says its goodbyes” from

Friday, September 15, 2006

Always Ride Twice (boobs involved)

While doing some research for a book as requested by my boss, I stumbled across this little tidbit: if you’re riding Splash Mountain in Disneyworld, if you’d like to ride the ride again without having to wait in line, simply have a female companion flash the camera as you’re going down the waterfall. Then, when your souvenir photo doesn’t show up at the spend-money-here booth at the end of the ride, explain to a Disney employee how much you wanted that photo, and they’ll take you to the front of the line and let you ride again. Then, of course, change your mind about the photo later.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Five Reasons Why I Love Ted Kennedy

1. he’s all like, fuck all y’alls, my brothers were assassinated. so what’re ya gonna say to me? huh? BRING IT ON!
1.5 he’s one of the only senators to endorse same-sex marriage
2. While I was in college some fellow students were shooting a film on Comm Ave and he happened to walk by or something. They were like, "hey, will you be in our student film?" and he was like, "uh, sure!" and he was.
3. the guy clearly knows how to party (just don’t get in a car with him)
4. he wears suspenders
5. he taught me that “Ted” can be short for “Edward.”

p.s. look how cute he was pre-bloating!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

24: Good or Evil?

As some of you may know, I started watching 24 last season because everyone else watched it, only to stop at “nine p.m.” to finish my tenure with Everwood. When I realized Season 5 wasn’t coming out on DVD anytime soon, I turned to Season 1, only to find out that 24 is my new drug.

I was getting the DVDs from netflix, but they just weren’t coming fast enough. I’d watch all four episodes in a sitting, then pace around my apartment for the next two days waiting for the next disc. Over Labor Day weekend I downloaded 4 episodes off of iTunes, then, finally, drunkenly stumbled over to a friend’s house at 1 a.m. to download the rest off her computer because I couldn't stand the thought of going to bed without hearing Jack's insistant whisper/gun shots beforehand. But here’s what you may not know/remember: I don’t have a computer. So I was watching all this on my tiny video ipod. Here’s what it looked like:

My eyes started to dry out and I had to start putting eye drops in. My ears hurt from having headphones wedged in them for so long. But just to see Jack Bauer run around and save the day was worth it. I just wish he had to take his shirt off more. Now my question is, do I go on to Season 2? Or is my addiction too dangerous?

Monday, September 11, 2006

Weeds Season 2 on iTunes: finally an answer

I just want you to know that I went to great lengths to find out when Season 2 of Weeds is going to be on iTunes. I even made myself susceptible to years of junk email by signing up with just so I could email a question to a Customer Service Representative [don't you just love that title? I especially love it when someone's on a reality show and it says JULIE, Customer Service Representative. It's like, no wonder she's got the time to go find out if she's this dude's soulmate!]
ANYWAY, I finally got a response back! Here's what Showtime had to say regarding my query.

Dear Customer,

I have no information on that yet.

However, we are aware of the public's growing interest in watching their favorite television programs on itunes, and we are taking that into great consideration.

I will forward your question and comments to programming.


Showtime Customer Service

Um, so, I guess the mystery's not quite solved yet.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Because I know you want to know what I think about Suri Cruise

So, the photos of Suri Cruise finally came out (22 pages-worth in Vanity Fair). Ever since he got divorced from Nicole, I’ve always thought of Tom as one of those exboyfriends who goes so crazy after you break up that you can’t even remember what he was like while you were dating. Maybe this is because, at one point in my young life, my goal was to watch every Tom Cruise movie ever made, from Losin’ It to Jerry Maguire. My friends and I rewound the “volleyball scene” in Top Gun and watched it over and over in slo-mo. I even made a Tom Cruise collage, with more than 30 photos of Tom, which I wish I still had so I could sell it to some kitsch-lover on ebay.

Anyway, I have to say, with all the photos of the bewitching, hairy child and the adoring gazes, not to mention “Kate” Holmes being all like, “the media was mean to my child!” I almost believe that they aren’t scary cult-members who will never make a good movie again.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I can't even feel my neck right now

I finally had my second visit with Joe the Massage Therapist this afternoon. I rode all the way up to West 86th Street just to see him at the “other” office, which is actually, like, an apartment. Joe opened the door, New York Post in hand, and gave me my massage in a closet. “Isn’t it funny,” he asked, “how we learn all of these skills and don’t learn some of the basic things about taking care of our bodies?” Though I wasn’t so shocked at the things Joe could do to my body this time, he did flip me over for a neck/face/scalp massage. At one point he held the side of my head in his giant hand and rubbed my ear. I was really tempted to be like, “Joe, you must be a real hit with the ladies!” but I didn’t want to a) sound like an 80 year-old and b) embarrass him. Joe’s pretty modest, you know. Even though at one point he stuck a couple fingers down the hem of my pants, as he left the room he adverted his gaze as if the towel over my chest was see-through. “It was good seeing you again,” he said, looking at the wall. He left and I sat up, my hair all mussed. Until next time, my dear Tony Danza lookalike.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Stuff in My Cubicle, part one

I have an excerpt from an article in Harper’s tacked up in my cubicle. It reads:

A baboon group, in short, is an unlikely breeding ground for pacifists. There are some interesting exceptions, however. Although aggression does have something to do with attaining a high rank, it turns out to have virtually nothing to do with maintaining it. Dominant males are not particularly aggressive, except when they are on their way out: the ones that need to use it are often about to lose it. Instead, maintaining dominance requires social intelligence and impulse control—the ability to form prudent coalitions, tolerate subordinates, and ignore most provocations.

Think about it.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Birdcage backpack

I should have known today was going to suck when I got to work and discovered Pluto was no longer a planet. Then, I went to my massage appointment, and lo and behold, Joe (who is looking more and more like Tony Danza in my mind) was working out of the “other” office, and, in fact, only works out of the “other” office now, and, helpfully, no one thought to tell me this. I had no choice but to walk to Jamba Juice and order the most fattening thing on the menu (the peanut butter moo’d), while examining the sky for impending signs of ruining both the company softball game and The Warriors at Brooklyn Bridge park tonight.
As I sat on the subway on my way back downtown, I wished that I was new enough to New York for it to still be magical to me...there was something, even about the subway, that always seemed unique and interesting before I moved here and shortly after. As I walked back to the office I heard a chirping noise coming up behind me. And then, as the guy behind me passed me on the sidewalk, I saw it:

He had a birdcage backpack. How freaking cool is that. I quickly pulled out the ol' cameraphone and followed him across the street. As excited as I was, this guy was clearly used to walking around this way. The novelty of having a cockatiel on his back, apparently, had worn off.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

When will season 2 of Weeds be on iTunes?!

When OCD-like qualities run in your family, it’s important to have a few things you do obsessively/compulsively that don’t really affect your lifestyle. For the past 7 days, mine has been checking iTunes to see if they’ve uploaded the first episode of season two of Weeds. Come on! It’s still a month before all the good shows premiere and I need my fix!

p.s. can Mary Louise Parker be any cuter? I want to be her best friend, especially ever since Billly Crudup left her while she was with child for Claire Danes.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Craigslist ad of the day

6 Degrees of Seperation (East Village)

I'm going out on a limb here. I'm a writer who is desperate to get in touch with anyone who might know someone... Who knows someone... That knows Michelle Rodriguez(Lead Actress in "Girl Fight"). Why?

I have a killer movie script that would be perfect for her. It's a great script and an ideal role for her. I know she won't resist it. It has to get into her hands...

What's in it for you? Free martial art lessons, maybe money or a role in the movie. For writers, I can get someone who knows someone to get an agent to look at your material... Let's help each other out. We all stand on each other's shoulders...


Thursday, August 17, 2006

Confession: I find Tony Soprano hot

I'm deep into the third season of The Sopranos (via Netflix), and I just saw the episode where Tony and has mistress go at it at the zoo. And I realized, I can try to deny it all I want, but I really do find Tony Soprano to be totally hot.

This is kind of embarassing because my friends recently busted me secretly thinking Treat Williams, the bearded nerosurgeon dad on Everwood, was totally hot. But I'm gonna come out and say it: I wish my boyfriend was a well-dressed, gun-toting mob boss who could have practically anyone he wanted killed. But I don't think it's just that...I have no desire to do Pauly, or the guy from Springsteen's band who owns the strip club. And I find Christopher hot only in a drug-addict kind of way. No, I think Tony Soprano is intrinsically sexy, and therefore I am not ashamed.

Granted, "Tone," as I would call him, would probably smack me for opening my big mouth at some point or another, and then I'd have to leave him, leaving me with no place to get my heroin. Guess I'll have to find someone else to have monkey-house sex with.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bad Things, Good Things

Today’s a really sad day. And not like, I got my period sad, but like, somebody died sad. I wish I had something simple to keep my mind occupied, like some filing or a root canal or something. But since it’s a pretty freeform day I’m going to try to boost my spirits with a list of 10 things that make me happy. In no particular order other than how they’re coming to me....

1. Elmo is black

2. Drinking during lunch, if only a little.

3. Julie Kavner’s character on Rhoda. Did anyone else ever watch Rhoda? On Nick at Night when they were 12?

4. Our company softball team made it to the playoffs (I’m hoping they get to play against my former employer, Otis Elevator Company, who is also in the playoffs)

5. Over the weekend I got a postcard from an old roommate that says “I hope you’re keeping your spirits up during this whole Lance Bass crisis. Because I know he was always your favorite.”

6. Arugula pesto

7. This sign at a busy intersection near my apartment that urges senior citizens to use a different crosswalk for less vehicle conflicts.

8. I have another appointment with Joe next week

9. Waking up alone

10. Everything I know how to do other than breathe and cry I’ve learned

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Pop vs. Soda

Since I grew up drinking pop, I always feel a little like I'm denying my cultural heritage by now drinking soda. But all those taunts in college for calling a soft drink by a name commonly used in the Midwest got to me. I was delighted when a friend emailed me this amazing pop vs. soda map, which proves that Easterners are in the minority!! And I was happy it didn't break down to some kind of red state/blue state thing. ('s close)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Soul Captives

The manuscript I'm working on is really bumming me out. Every time I think I’ve gotten into a groove with it, some other problem of disorganization, repetition, missing info, or confusion comes up. To make matters worse, the computer tech guy has camped himself out on the other side of my cubicle, in the empty art department cube. He babbles continually, won’t go away, and is generally annoying. To add to his problems, he doesn’t know what he’s doing and thinks if he talks more then that will cover up this fact: “Ah yes, well, fonts—fonts can be very troublesome. What you might what to do is try out a new font program. As you probably know, well, there are many different kinds of font programs. What we’ll do, maybe, maybe what we’ll do is I’ll talk to someone and we can get you another font program, maybe as a ‘test run,’ you and a couple others can try out another font program, then we’ll come back and see what you think—if your fonts work any better. Of course, it could not be font program at all, but if it is the font program at least this way we’ll know, with the next font program. Can I ask you something? Which font program are you using now?”
This afternoon I was checking out the website for my health insurance, trying to see when and if I can go see Joe again. While on it, I discovered that my insurance, while it does cover elective abortions (woohoo!), it does not cover costs surrounding organ transplants when the implanted organ is mechanical or from an animal. There goes my monkey heart!
When I told this to my cubicle mates, my cubicleboy asked “What if you lose a finger, and you need to get your big toe to replace your thumb?” Which, of course, started a whole conversation about how creepy this was, and I jumped up to demonstrate (of course, it’s kind of ruined since only my toenails are painted). I think this was the best part of my day. The resulting photo will be uploaded to cubicleboy’s computer wallpaper tomorrow.

Monday, August 07, 2006

cameraphone pics!

I've finally uploaded all my photos that I took on with my cell phone from the winter. I figured, with the summer heat, they were more than appropriate viewing material. You can view them here on Flickr, click on the next little image on the right to view the next photo and my witty comment.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Dog Destroys Elvis' Teddy Bear at Museum

Published: August 4, 2006

Filed at 9:58 a.m. ET

LONDON (AP) -- A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children's museum.

"He just went berserk," said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor. The bear, named Mabel, was made in 1909 by the German manufacturer Steiff.

The collection, valued at more than $900,000, included a red bear made by Farnell in 1910 and a Bobby Bruin made by Merrythought in 1936.

The bear with Elvis connections was owned by English aristocrat Benjamin Slade, who bought it at an Elvis memorabilia auction in Memphis, Tenn., and had loaned it to the museum.

"I've spoken to the bear's owner and he is not very pleased at all," Medley said.

A security guard at the museum, Greg West, said he spent several minutes chasing Barney before wrestling the dog to the ground.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I would give a week's wages to watch Alex Trebek and Pat Sajack make out

So, my adoring (albeit imaginary) public, sorry I have not written all week. Vacation was wonderful, and refreshing, and as this little blog is mostly a diversion I needed it less, because life seems a little better after you’ve spent some time on the beach. My mother was an even better travel companion than I expected, and not only submitted to watching me drink a six-pack right in front of her, she even bought me a cooler so it would stay cold. Sometimes it’s hard being the biggest boozer in your family, but if there’s anything my mom does well it’s enable.

While I was on vacation I tried to catch the Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! power hour as much as possible, since I’m rarely in home in time to see it. It was “teen best friends week” on the WHEEL (as it’s called on the streets), which was horribly annoying. Each day they had a pair of nerds, a pair of black kids, and a pair of girls that could screech so piercingly that they broke the sound barrier. Pat Sajak’s ears starting bleeding during one show. As for Jeopardy!, I was lamenting the horrible “about the contestants” thing they do near the beginning. I just know these people have more interesting things to share than “one time I sat next to an old guy in England and he talked to me for about 10 minutes and I had no idea what he was saying the whole time.” I think if Alex had it his way, each contestant would share something about their sex lives.
“ collect cock rings?” or
“I hear you and your husband are swingers?” or
“So one time you were having sex with an old man for ten minutes before he realized you were a man?”
This would also help us, the viewer, figure out which person to root for better. Because everyone knows the kinkiest person always wins Jeopardy.

p.s. I will post the next exciting installment of Cat vs. AC soon.

Friday, July 21, 2006


Well, my imaginary, adoring public, I'm off on vacation for the next week to exotic Delaware. Until I get back, you'll just have to entertain yourself with these Steve Guttenberg photos.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Better Than Sex. Most sex. Some sex. ok I haven't had sex in a really long time.

Yesterday I met a man who could do things to my body I didn’t even realize were possible. His name is Joe, and he is my new massage therapist.

Last week I snagged a doctor’s note to go get a massage that would be covered by my insurance, so yesterday I got naked from the waist up and let Joe, who looks kind of like Tony Danza, work his magic hands all over my back. He’s amazing, and was saddened to hear that I am cruelly forced to sit behind a desk all day. “Sorry I’m being so aggressive with you, but you have a lot going on back here,” he said, and he kneaded my shoulder while placing his other hand firmly on the small of my back. “You might be sore for a couple of days so I hope you don’t hold it against me.”

Since my time with Joe, I’ve been trying hard to sit up straight. I moved my chair down so I can more directly look at my computer—Joe could tell I looked down all the time just by the curvature of my spine, and said if I keep it up (that and carrying around a heavy bag on my shoulder), I’m going to have all sorts of problems when I hit my 40s.

So I have a lot to work on. I haven’t felt this challenged to change my ways since my dental hygienist gave me a $150 toothbrush and told me “you and I are in this together.” Joe, I think this may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


I'm sure gawker will comment on this before the day is over, but today the NY Times has a really long article about how contractors have become sexualized. Granted I've always been a huge fan of the toolbelt (and once even made a guy describe the contents of his own toolbelt over the phone to me, being all "how long is your tape measure?"), but the article itself is pretty dumb and THIS is the photo they used to go along with it!!

Hot. Next up: an article about how women think lifeguards are attractive. Wiry, teenaged lifeguards with acne.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Bush vetos medical research in favor of ugly babies

Our buddy GWB just slammed the door on millions of people hoping for a cure to their debilitating illnesses, because he believes in the culutre of life. Of course he flew in a bunch of ugly Red Staters who had "adopted" embryos that matured into ugly babies for the historic veto. If given the choice between researching cystic fibrosis, Parkinson's Disease, diabetes, and tons of other diseases, versus making ugly babies, I'd have to choose the former. Thanks again, GWB, luv ya!

So many NJ strip malls, so little time

I've always wondered who had the time to write reviews of hundreds of books on amazon, but this really blows my mind. I stumbled across this while looking for a Target on the way to Delaware. This is what the internet is all about: giving people a forum to display their photos and reviews of liquor shops and chain stores.

b1bob's NJ Shopping Tips

Apparently Denis Leary is a huge a-hole

Denis Leary was a big hero at my college--even more so than Henry Winkler. Both were alums, and although Winkler gave much more money, Leary was the "cool guy" that all of Emerson's hipsters aspired to be.

Now I know being a misogynist jerk is his schtick and all, but reading an interview with him in TV Guide today really turns the it, they ask him about a scene he wrote, directed, and acted in in his series Rescue Me, where he rapes his wife, and then after telling him "no, no, no" she starts to enjoy it. He says:
The knee-jerk reaction is "Oh, my God, he raped his wife, and he's condoning spousal rape." I'm sorry, I've got female friends who have been through it and don't think it's an unhealthy situation. And anybody that says different has either not been through it or is just politically correct and should probably be switching the channel.

I don't even know what to say to that.

The Cubicle Revolution

If you've ever felt like an office revolt, check this out (click on the panels on the left-hand side):
Business Reply Mail

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

T(uesday) is for Therapy

Back in college, Tuesday was Taco Night in the dining hall. But now, Tex Mex Tuesday really only means one thing to me: therapy. Yes, I am one of those people who tells my “analyst” more than I tell my friends and has been known to think things (sometimes out loud) like “wait until I tell my therapist about this!” and “I don’t know if I can talk to [fill in name] until I talk to my therapist first.” It’s a little weird and scary, but at the same time it makes me more self-aware than the majority of you non-therapy-goers, and ensures I don’t go crazy.
Anyway, Tuesdays, the day of my standing weekly appointment, can be a little nerve-wracking, because I know after work I’m going to have to go spill my guts, which is much harder than going home and watching So You Think You Can Dance (um, just kidding, I would never watch that show...unless it was during the open auditions period when all the bad dancers come on). Not only that, but I feel an immense pressure to be interesting. I go in there and gripe about my job, all the while picturing my therapist’s next patient has been a victim of incest or something else that lets her really stretch her psychiatric skills.
So every Tuesday, unless something noteworthy has happened in the last week, I grabble with coming up with something interesting to talk about. Sometimes during the week I even think, well, if I do this I can at least talk about it therapy. Especially if it involves a guy, because the only person who gets more excited than me about a new love interest is my therapist, who’s like a girlfriend being all like, “tell me alllllll the details!” And I always do.

Monday, July 17, 2006

My most brilliant writing yet

I'm not usually one to toot my own horn, but this intro to the "Home & Garden" section of this new book I'm editing might be one of the most brilliant things I have ever composed:

If you feel more like a bungling rookie than a smart cookie when it comes to household chores, read up on these pointers to become a pro in no time. With these bits of advice, you'll learn how to solve irksome problems like wax spatters on a tablecloth and a slow-running lawnmower, and make those weekend chores—like hanging pictures and winterizing a car battery—a snap!

Sometimes my life is a little too glamourous, know what I mean?

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Pandas everywhere!

Did you know that 16 pandas were born in China this year? I wish my office looked like this. "Hey you, Panda #5! Quit chewing those page proofs!" "Aww...Panda #12 fell asleep on my foot!" "Umm, Panda #9 peed under your desk while you were at lunch." Yes, clearly everything would rock with 16 pandas around.

(thanks to LH for passing along....)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Cat vs. AC

Above: Zooey sits in the cool breeze as he contemplates how lame the interior our apartment is.

A pall has been cast over my household. The trouble really started yesterday morning, when my furry companion, Zooey, dislodged one of the window shade seals on the side of my new air conditioning. You can see it just behind his head in the picture above; the one he managed to get through is behind the gate (that refuses to budge from the window) on the left. These things are supposed to have screws in them, but because of the way my window is designed they wouldn’t fit and I had to tape them in place. This tape, and Frigidaire’s cheap plastic that can easily get pushed out of its frame, was no match for this cat.

After noticing he wasn’t in the bathroom for his usual tap drinking in the morning, I saw him on the roof outside my window (running from pigeons, I think) and yelled, “Zooey! Get in here!” He was so excited from his jaunt in the out-of-doors that he momentarily lost his little mind and ran right up and jumped onto the windowsill and was all like, “Mom! I've been outside all morning!!”
At which point I shut the window, patched up the hole, and left for work.

When I came home, the poor little guy was inconsolable (see despairing photo, below). He spent the entire night by the window, angrily meowing at the former site of his escape and bemoaning his cruel, cruel fate in general (well, he did take a brief nap—meowing takes a lot of energy). I guess he thought he had found the portal to a new, exciting world, where the wind weaved its way into his nostrils and he heat of the sun warmed his fur. The ironic thing is, I had just spent the evening complaining to my therapist about life not being exciting enough, and now here I am denying the most exhilarating thing ever for him.

And now that he’s realized he could get to this other world he thought impossible, nothing’s quite the same. He doesn’t enjoy the little things, like playing in the bath tub, getting his tummy scritched, licking his stripes, and especially gazing out the window from the vantage point of his box.

Poor guy. I’ll just have to rely on his short-term memory to get us out of this one.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Today's realization: I will never be Max Perkins

I'm currently reading the bookMax Perkins: Editor of Genius by A. Scott Berg, about the guy who edited Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Wolfe, and a bunch of others. This morning on the way to work, I was reading about when Max received the long-awaited manuscript for The Great Gatsby. Berg writes, "Perkins tore into the novel and read it in one sitting. Immediatley he cabled, THINK NOVEL IS SPLENDID. He meant much more than that and wrote Fitzgerald the next day." It then goes on to detail what changes Perkins suggested, and how Fitzgerald took them all, making Gatsby the wonderfully good book it was.

Today I'm editing my long-awaited manuscript for my reflexology book. And although I love the authors of it, they've never taken me on drunken Prohibition-era binges that end in plunging their car into a lilly pond. I spent about a half an hour editing their text as follows.

Cold sores or canker sores
Whether it’s a cold sore (a blister caused by the herpes virus) or a canker sore (an ulceration of the mouth or lips), reflexology can help get rid of these nuisances more quickly. Work the face reflex area by using the single-finger grip technique on the side of your fingers and toes.

Constipation is a difficulty with bowel movements or unusually dry stool. It is most common in children and seniors, and is often caused by stress, not enough fiber or water intake, disruption of your regular diet, or pregnancy. If you’re suffering from constipation, work the digestive system reflex area by using the reflex ball on the heel of your hand and the foot roller on the heel of your foot.

God I'm disillusioned. I've just gotten to the part where Berg mentions Perkins' "Yankee editor's romance" and I'm afraid to go on.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Dear everyone who writes a nonfiction book,

I know you’ve spent much of your time since high school developing the skills to make you an expert on acupressure/jump roping/home organization/sign language/television/facerise/bigfoot/the history of twine, but while you were doing that, I was busy developing my writing skills beyond the tenth grade level. Here is what I have learned:
1. Read what you wrote after you write it. No, seriously. Does that paragraph make sense in any way? If no, then rewrite it. Now read it again. Repeat.
2. If you’re making headings for things (like chapters), those headings should be a descriptive word or phrase that tells the reader what that section is about. They should NOT be what the first sentence is about. Remember: further information is often presented in the second, or even third, paragraph!
3. Writing doesn’t sound good if you use the same word or phrase over and over. If tempted to use something over and over, use a thesaurus. Using a thesaurus over and over well help you to not use the same word or phrase over and over. And over.
4. This is not a jr. high science fair. That is, you can’t just stretch your data to make it sound how you want it to sound.
5. I use google. A lot. So if you pull anything off the internet, I will find it. More quickly than you did.
6. If I corrected something, I did it because it was wrong. Or bad! You see, I know more about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, word usage, paragraph flow, and publishing than you do.
7. Along with that, there are actually rules for that things that you have never even heard of! When are numbers spelled out? Should you use a serial comma? (What is a serial comma?) When are things italicized, capitalized, or put in quotation marks? There are answers to all of these questions, and I didn’t just make them up. So yes, we’re doing it “my” way.
8. Just because you wrote a book does not make you in any way important or impressive to me. In fact, it makes you a pain in my ass. I’m not here to bring your genius to the masses, I am here to make money for my heartless corporation. We paid less for your words than the paper they are printed on. Remember that.

And call me when you’re in town! I’d love to take you out for lunch!

Your Bitter Editor

Friday, July 07, 2006

Slipping, Sliding

A friend was just telling me about a show at McCarren Park this weekend that will feature a slip 'n' slide, and it totally got me thinking about why they haven't been deemed unsafe for children yet. My sister and I had one of the original yellow slip 'n' slides, which doubled as a river when we'd have make believe backyard adventures. And slamming your body down on that thing was rough! The best kind was the 2nd generation (blue) slip 'n slides, like my neighbor Aimee DeHainut had. they had a bump at the end followed by a kiddie pool. If you got enough velocity, you were supposed to careen off the bump and into the pool. And I still remember the song for the commercial: "You Run...You Slide...You hit the bump, and take a Diiiivvve!" I did some internet research and found the newest breakthroughs in Slip 'n Slide technology

Splash and Play. This is the normal old slip 'n' slide, but it has an inflated thing at the end so you don't flying off the end and into your fence or a pile of dog shit.
Side by Side. This one has two different lanes so you can race. In my day, we raced the old way, by crashing into each other halfway down and then yelling at each other.
Wham 'O Wave/Wave Rider. This is the kind with the pool at the end, and the Wave Rider also promises the "NEW Splash Factor Extra Wave of Water at the End!"
Your Favorite Licensed Product Slip 'n' Slide. Get your favorite brand or character emblazened on the SnS, like spiderman, spongebob, the little mermaid, or Roseanne Barr
Heat Wave. OK, this thing is pretty intense, and 22 feet long. Right before you hit the pool, there's the "Drench O Matic" overhead soaking system.
CRAZY SLIP 'N SLIDE SUPER SPLASH TUNNEL WATER SLIDE. The picture says it all. Look at this thing!! It's insane!! If this thing didn't cost $500 I'd buy one right now, set it up in front of my apartment building, and charge admission. It's blowing my mind. Kids these days, huh?

Do ants introduce themselves?

This morning I awoke from my Manhattan-bound slumber to find that a coworker of mine was sitting directly across from me on the subway. I use the term “coworker” loosely...this particular person doesn’t even work on my floor and I’ve never actually worked with him, but I’ve noticed him because he’s under 30. He’s also a casual dresser like myself, and looks nice enough. And I think might be the gay temp who periodically auditions for TV shows.

Although we were three feet away from each other I didn’t say a word, then got off the subway and took a different route than him (there are two routes to my office from the F train, either up 16th Street or up 17th Street. I’ve noticed people tend to religiously stick to one path or the other; I myself choose 16th because there are two really good dark windows I can check my hair in on the way). Then, of course, we met in the lobby of our building, waiting for the elevator. I felt like I should say something, like, “oh, you take the F train too,” or “how long were you watching me sleep?” or “I see you are a casually dressed 20-something like myself.”

But what’s worse? That fake familiarity where we have to spend however long making chit-chat just because we don’t want to admit to ourselves that we live in close proximity to people we don’t know (or care about), or just not mentioning the obvious at all? Personally, I treasure each moment I don’t have to talk to anyone in the morning, and prefer to not speak until I’m at my desk, promptly at 10:05.

We both got on the elevator. I hit my floor, then mumbled, “you’re 7, right?” and hit his button, too. “Thanks,” he said, quite nicely, and I think that’s really all the connection we needed to make.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Do yourself a favor and watch Grey's Anatomy already!

OK, people. ABC is going to start airing the entire first season of Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights, two episodes from 9 (eastern) till 11.
At first I was embarrassed to get so hooked on this show, because it is clearly cheesy and everyone who comes into the hospital has some sort of ridiculous problem like male pregnancy or body parts spontaneously catching on fire. However, what won me over was the same thing that won me over in the early years of ER: Everyone is sleeping together. Also, they all hate each other (and themselves), which is refreshing. If that wasn't enough reasons, you occasionally get to see Patrick Dempsey (who plays a loveable asshole) in various stages on undress, and I'll give you a tip: you can see his bee-hind in one of the very first seconds of the first episodes, PLAYING TONIGHT!
And if you still think I'm a big loser, let me remind you: I read TV Guide every week so you don't have to.

My Least Favorite New York Bank Ads

Obviously there are a lot of annoying bank ads out there, most of which prompt me to want to go back to the barter system. But until copyediting and snarky comments become gold, I guess I’m stuck getting charged 50 cents every time I want to write a check. (It’s called a checking account! I don’t get it!) Here are, in my opinion, the worst bank ads out there.
5. HSBC: the diversity bank. HSBC has these ads up in the subway showing, for instance, a hipster and an Orthodox Jew. And then they’re all like, “no matter who you are we’ll take your money!” I guess they’re trying to make the point that New York has all types of people in it. (Waaa???) The worst ad says “New York is...” and then lists a bunch of different attributes over people of various color’s faces. And as someone who often writes copy for a living, let me say that the adjectives they picked are truly horrible. Of course there are ones like “inspiring” and “alluring,” but there are also more bad ones than good ones, like “gross,” “overrated,” “cruel,” and “rotten.” So apparently they assume most people who live here don’t like it here. (Have they ever met a New Yorker?) And then there are the ones that no one would ever use to describe New York, like “dull,” and my favorite, “quiet.” (But there’s no “loud.”) What gets me here is, at some point someone (probably an intern), had to come up with a list of words, and then someone else had to approve that list. So how did they come up with words like “hairy”? As an editor, let me let you in on a little trick of the trade, people: a thesaurus. In fact, one comes with your computer! Shift F7, motherfuckers!
4. Regis and Kelly love Commerce. Wow, all Regis and Kelly have to do all day is run around dumping their change into the sorter at Commerce Bank and telling others about how convenient it is. I’m sorry, but just from walking past that bank I’ve never seen a line of less than ten people. Still, those chipper fuckers almost have me convinced.
3. Citibank—“Live Richly.” OK, why don’t I start by not paying you $9.50 just for breathing every month. Stop treating me like some kind of whore who you tell you’re banging because she’s interesting to talk to, Citibank.
2. Roxy’s first paycheck. This commercial, by Chase, is so bad that I actually purchased a remote just so that when I start hearing the Mary Tyler Moore Show Theme Song cover I can change the channel. It stars a blonde girl (her name is “Roxy,” or something equally annoying), who, at the beginning of the commercial, is just totally superpsyched to get her first paycheck!!! While the music plays, she deposits her check at Chase, then goes out for sushi with her friends (paying via debit card), gets an cell-phone alert about having money while kissing a dude by a fountain, and even goes to see a romantic movie with him. Isn’t being a young woman in New York with a Chase account grand?!
1. Wachovia—Now we’re just fucking with you. I saw this ad last night, by Wachovia. It’s the heartwarming story by an actual customer who’s son is going on vacation the next day. But oh no, he’s forgotten his passport in the safe deposit box, and it’s Christmas! What to do? Clearly, the answer is to call your friendly Wachovia representative at home to have them come to the bank the next morning and open it. While this ad is the most annoying, it actually makes me want to switch to Wachovia, just so I can ask the banker for his or her home phone number, “you know, in case I need to call you on Christmas! And can I have your cell, too?”

(photo via citynoise)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Will I ever reach Document44?

Well, today is my first day back from a 4.5-day weekend. It was a pretty great weekend, complete with a trip to the beach, a concert (where I proudly picked up a guy in the 25-minute long beer line, only to be informed by my friend that "I think he likes boys"), a trip to FAO Schwartz, a game of croquet, lots of drinking, and THE PURCHASE OF MY NEW AIR CONDITIONER! That's right, I am now the proud owner of a 10,000 BTU beauty. And I love it more than I ever thought possible.
Anyhoo, I come into the office today to find that my email and internet are not working. And apparently, most of the people who use Macs in my office had the same problem. I'm just getting over my sense of outrage. First of all that no one has been able to send me emails since Saturday, and seconly because I had to restart my computer, thereby ending my longest ever run of "Document numbers" on Microsoft Word [you know, like when you open a new document, it's called Document1, then your second is called Document2, etc.]. I was up to Document43!
Now, some may argue that I am totally spoiled. I work in an air conditioned office and not only recieve free coffee and cool (or hot!) filtered water, I also get free tampons and a small discount on my Verizon Wireless bill. So what if my email's down, my company blocks the use of myspace and youtube, and no one bothers to send out a memo when the head of our department changes? But I think I do a lot for this company, including:
1. Work phrases like "touch base" into my vernacular
2. Read 2,000 crossword puzzles in two months
3. Wash my hair before I come into the office
4. Miss Oprah, Judge Joe Brown, and Judge Judy (not to mention Judge Hatchett), AND I don't even make enough to afford a Tivo
5. Hold meetings to discuss things like the merits of the "Mr. Wonderful" talking doll

I'm sure there's more. When I think of them I will post them. Meanwhile I have to go place my bets in the office baby pool. Don't ask.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Kitchen of Love

Fabio's Kitchen of Love
This really made me think I should have my super come up and fix my oven.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

My juicy personal life

Today I recieved an email:
I think your blog would benefit from some juicy personal stories or fantasies or regular updates about how you're not getting "super" sex. Let me know if you're open to these kinds of things, because I want to be amused. Amused on a daily basis.

The "super" sex, of course, being a reference to the strangely attractive Eastern Europen Super of my building. And no, we're not doing it. But he did give me a fan yesterday. A dirty, dirty fan. (And I taught him the word "oscillate")
Unfortunately my life is just not that interesting. Like today, the best thing I did was go and put funny pictures next to the address book listings of business contacts I don't like, like this monkey one. Also, my weekly TV Guide came. We get them free at the office. Apparently Marcia Cross met her husband at a flower shop shortly after having lunch with Lori Loughlin. File that one under "information I am stupider for knowing."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Publishing industry news!

Every day my company sends around a word document of every mention of our company's name in the media for the previous day (one time we were a Jeopardy! clue!). They also include a section on industry news, normally contains info like "profits were down at Random House" or " is releasing a new feature" or whatever. Today it contained this nugget:

06/26/06 The Washington (Reuters)
“Children’s author J.K. Rowling has revealed that at least two characters will die in the seventh and final installment of her bestselling ‘Harry Potter’ series, but was careful not to say who. Children and adults are expected to rush and buy the final ‘Harry Potter’ novel in the tens of millions when it is complete, and if the publication of the sixth book is anything to go by, secrecy surrounding the plot will be tight.”

I love this--that the death of fictional characters is "industry news." Thank you, Harry Potter, you are keeping me and tons of other people in the book biz employed.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Editor's note: wiggle vs. wriggle

Today I learned the difference between "wiggle" and "wriggle." Interestingly, wiggle can mean wriggle but wriggle never means wiggle. Here are their verb forms from Webster's 10th:
1: to move to and fro with quick jerky or shaking motions: JIGGLE
2: to proceed with or as if with twisting and turning movements: WRIGGLE
1: to move the body or a bodily part to and fro with short writhing motions like a worm: SQUIRM
2: to move or advance by twisting and turning

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Branson, Federline, and the Penny

Gothamist: In Fed We Trust

This is totally ridiculous. I lost all respect for Richard Branson when he chose the annoying inventor of "Love Sac," a bean-bag chair, as the winner of his reality show. And of course I never had any respect for K-Fed. But now they're bringing down my respect for the penny, and that's just sad.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Ultimate LAKE HOUSE quiz!

Over the weekend I saw the movie The Lake House. It's true; I did; and I'm not going to apologize for it, even though it was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. But for all you Keanu/Sandra fans, here is THE ULTIMATE LAKE HOUSE QUIZ! Try to see how many you can get right without having seen the movie.

True or False?
1. The Lake House is made entirely of glass.
2. Sandra describes herself as having “gentle, unguarded eyes.”
3. Keanu describes himself as having “wavy, untamed locks.”
4. One of Keanu’s many powers is planting a tree on a city sidewalk that quadruples in size in two years.
5. In a wink to their past, the characters reference the movie Speed by debating the merits of bus travel.
6. Much of the film takes place in Chicago, so every time the characters refer to the house “by the lake,” everyone assumes they’re talking about Lake Michigan.
7. Female doctors like Sandra are always lonely, because they have no time for love!
8. At some point, Keanu sneaks into Sandra’s apartment building as it is being built, figures out which apartment will be hers, and hides a copy of a Jane Austen novel under her floorboards.
9. When Keanu cries, it’s really embarrassing, both for him as an actor and for filmdom as a whole.
10. The person who wrote the screenplay for The Lake House is a Pulitzer Prize–winner.

Answers: t, t, f, t, f, f, t, t, t, t

One of the weirder internet ads I've seen

Alibaba is the largest B2B marketplace in the world. Source model ship, wooden puzzle, one-piece toilet, RC hovercraft, photo album, prom dress, pocket bike, Vaginal Speculum, Samurai Sword, String Panty and PVC Pipe.

I mean, I guess I get the prom dress/vaginal speculum connection, but RC hovercraft and Samurai sword?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Everwood Series finale recap

With the arrival of summer came the end of one of my guiltiest pleasures, Everwood. Back in February (March?) I gave up watching 24 to watch the rest of Everwood, and I regretted it until the season finale, which aired on June 5. It's just SO cheesy, SO perfect, that I can't help adoring its alternate reality. My partner in this guilty pleasure had to miss it, so below is the recap I sent her of the last episode. Anyway, since presumably I won't have much to say about TV in the next few months I figured I better squeeze this in now.

FOREVERWOOD (seriously, that was the title of the episode)

--Previously on Everwood: Irv died, Nina and Sam and Jake are moving to California, and Andy bought Nina an engagement ring “just in case” she decides to leave Jake at the last minute, but isn’t gonna give it to her unless she comes to him first. So at Irv’s funeral Ephram tells Nina about the ring. and she’s all, da-amn!--

The Brown residence: Dr. Andy Brown, Delia, Ephram, and Ephram’s new hot gf Stephanie are washing dishes, while Stephanie giggles at Andy’s jokes and talks to Delia about her upcoming bat mitzvah. Then Delia asks if Stephanie can come, because there will be extra seats since Nina and Sam won’t be there. Andy throws a fit and storms outside, where he begins trying to angrily stuff trash into the trash bin. Ephram confronts him about his totally whack feelings for Nina, and Andy’s like, “it’s all over, she’s moving to CA tomorrow. I lost.” major pity face.

Nina’s house: Hannah walks into the kitchen in a tight, unselfconsciously-boobalicious t-shirt. Nina is making major headway on the packing. Hannah is gonna throw out a foot massager, but Nina wants to keep it for sentimental value cuz Andy gave it to her. So Hannah’s all, “oh, you and Dr. Brown...mmmmhmmmm....I figured you two used to be all up in each other’s biznass.” (ok, she didn’t say it like that, but that was gist). And Nina’s all, “uh, we have sexual tension or something?’ then she proceeds to give Hannah the whole run-down on the Andy situation—she loved him, then she didn’t, then he kissed her, then she moved in with Jake, then Andy bought her a ring...” Hannah jumps on the ring thing and is like, “so there’s a ring with your name on it and you don’t know what it looks like?” I smell mischief!!

Dr. Abbot’s office: Dr. Abbot is meeting with this schizo woman. She just had a baby with the brother-in-law from Weeds and then the guy from Weeds died. So she’s freaking out, and Harold’s all, it’s gonna be ok, your schizophrenia isn’t coming back, and she’s like, yeah it is, I can tell (kinda calmly, I might add). She’s like, Harold, you’re like a father to me! and he’s like, I know, and I’m like, huh? who is this woman and why is she so close to Harold all of a sudden?

The Bachelor Pad (minus Reid cuz he tried to commit suicide and then get with Amy and then moved out or something, I missed that episode): Ephram, Amy, and Bright are hangin’ out. Bright is trying to get everyone to go with him to buy a new TV. No one wants to go, so he leaves. Then Amy asks Ephram out to a movie, but he has plans with his new hispanic girlfriend. Amy is noticeably upset.

Jake’s office: Jake’s office is empty, and Harold is meticulously checking for smudges on the wall, etc. Finally he gives Jake back his security deposit, noting, “don’t spend it all on sun tan lotion!” they hug. then Harold leaves so Jake and Edna can have a moment. They do: Jake is sorry Irv is dead and Edna is proud of Jake for what he’s doin’. they hug & there’s tears in both of their eyes.

The Brown residence: Hannah and Nina have snuck in and are looking for the ring. Cue Everwood “mischief music.” “How can a guy have so many shoes?” Hannah asks “He’s from New York!” says Nina. I chuckle. They find the ring, but before they can open the box, Andy comes home. Hannah distracts him with some coco while Nina sneaks out the door.

Coffee Shop: Jake and Ephram run into each other at the coffee shop. Gee, are we gonna get every possible combo of people chatting it up, here? What’s happening to the coffee shop? ephram wants to know. oh, it’s being taken over by a manager or something. ok fine. Ephram tries to make some sort of comment to Jake about how it’s so sudden that Nina is leaving all the people who love her, and then Jake gives Ephram a “life is too short” speech (the speech literally ends with “life is too short, Ephram”) and tries to be all Dr. Andy Brown but fails miserably...but Ephram seems to fall for it! He looks thoughtfully into space as we go to, like, the fifth commercial already.

Amy’s bedroom (or maybe Hannah’s bedroom?): Amy is trying to get Hannah to tell her that she’s really not in love with Ephram (Amy, that is, not Hannah). Hannah goes, “I didn’t just fall off the pickle truck!” which I think means, I’m not falling for that shit. Hannah recounts the fight her and Amy had in case we missed that episode (we did.) Apparently her and Amy have a no-talking-about-Ephram agreement, which they now break. Amy decides that she really doesn’t love Ephram, and when she leaves, Hannah realizes that she still has Nina’s engagement ring box down her cleavage. oops!

The mall: Stephanie and Ephram are shopping at the mall for Delia’s bat mitzvah. Steph is all “you’re dad is sweet and funny and you guys have great snacks” and Ephram’s like, “no way” and I’m like, “yes way! I wish Dr. Andy Brown was my boyfriend’s dad!” then Ephram and Stephanie have a cute little moment and I’m like, oh, they’re cute (Ephram says “you’re blatantly using me for pudding” [wink wink, nudge nudge]), too bad Amy is gonna tear them apart by the end of this episode.

Then there’s a quick Abbott family dinner scene, of which I miss most because two seconds later Bright finds a baby on the doorstep!

That’s right. A freaking baby on the doorstep.

Return from commercial: the Abbots all gather around the baby, Harold reads the note with it, that’s like, I know the baby is better off with you guys, thanks, Kathy. Amy goes, “Who’s Kathy?” and I’m like, “EXACTLY!” uh-oh, Mrs. Abbott has a baby now, and she’s got that crazy look in her eye! She even declines to go to the bat mitzvah because she has to look after “Lilly.”

Nina’s house: Jake finds the ring in Hannah’s room, and goes down to warn Nina that Hannah is gonna marry Bright. Nina’s like, uhhh...actually...and tells Jake. Jake storms over to Andy’s house. Andy, as per usual, is all calm while Jake looks like he’s gonna cry. Andy’s all, “you won Jake, she chose you again.” And I think that Dr. Brown has outwitted Jake with his calm logic once again. But then Jake goes, “Well that’s what I don’t get, if she keeps choosing me why do I keep having this conversation with you?” damn.

Next day: Delia has horrible hair and a horrible dress and is rallying everyone to her bat mitzvah. As they’re leaving, Andy finds a note on the door, but leaves it inside without opening it. We are now treated to Everwood Series Finale Montage #1. Of course, because Everwood has zero budget, they can’t afford an actual song that anyone’s heard of. So it’s so terrible song with lyrics like, “Who we are.....’cause this is our life.....” etc. while we see the bat mitzvah and Nina and Jake at the airport. Then the music softens and Delia and Andy light a candle for the late Mrs. Brown and Delia gives a little speech about how she’ll always be a part of them. I tear up a little. *tear-up rating (on a scale of how much I teared up): 3 out of 5*

The Bat Mitzvah Afterparty: Stephanie and Ephram are sitting at a table with Amy, Bright, and a glasses-less Hannah. Steph and Eph are making out. But it’s this closed-lip, WB11-style make-out. totally gross. And Amy knows it. Ephram and Stephanie go off to dance, and then Amy starts freaking out about it, so Hannah and Bright go dance to get away from her. Amy pours herself another glass of wine. Go to it, girl.

It’s now about half-way through the finale, and it’s time for Jake to get the hell out of here. He breaks up with Nina at the last minute at the gate, in a scene that’s a total replay from ER season 1, when Dr. “Tag” Taglieri calls off his wedding to Nurse Carol because she doesn’t love him enough, totally paving the way for George Clooney to slip in during season 2. Jake and Nina, as is their nature, have a totally calm, understanding break-up scene where no one raises their voice. Jake thanks Nina for helping him find himself (*tear-up: 2 out of 5*), then kisses a sleeping Sam on the head and is gone for good.

Back at the Bat Mitzvah Afterparty, a drunken Amy talks Ephram into dancing with her (after congratulating Delia on her entrance into womanhood). They dance to a John Mayer-esque rip-off, and both have a meaningful look in their eyes.

Bright and Dad arrive home at the Abbott house. An exhausted Rose goes to bed. Bright’s all, “those Jews sure know how to party! Even though there were only like 4 of them there.” heh heh. I love Bright. Then Bright goes home because – woah – Hannah just moved into his old bedroom! before he goes, he’s like, um, what are you going to do about Mom and that baby? and Harold is like, “I don’t. Know.”

Cut to Hannah and Amy walking through the carnival (I guess the party was at the carnival? I don’t know). Amy says she’s going to puke, and Hannah’s like, yeah, that’s why we’re walking slowly. But instead of looking nasty, Amy looks all bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked, and she confesses she still loves Ephram. DUH!

Andy comes home to find Nina sitting in his dining room in the dark. She’s like, “I guess you don’t need to read this now” (talking about the card). Instead of taking her upstairs and screwing her brains out like he’s been waiting to do for years, Andy says he’ll set up Ephram’s room for her to stay in as long as she’d like.

Next morning: Stephanie is leaving the bachelor pad and Ephram is looking sexily rumpled in his jeans and t-shirt. they are being pretty cute as she says goodbye. Bright comes out and is like, nice one, you banged her, etc. and then Ephram admits they didn’t actually do the deed...they were drunk, wasn’t the right time, etc. Bright goes, “yeah, Lord knows she’s not hot enough!” (sarcasm). Then Ephram goes, hey, how’s your sister, she was pretty smashed, should I call her? and Bright goes, (I shit you not), “Oh, I get it. You danced with the devil—clouded your brain, clogged your drain.” And Ephram goes, “Don’t Rhyme!” haha. Then Bright convinces Ephram that Amy doesn’t like him anymore, and says one of the greatest lines in all of television: “You think there’s juice left in that box, and there isn’t!”

Edna’s house: Edna is packing up to move to Africa, and Harold is upset because he wants her to help look after his new baby, which apparently they are now going to have temporary custody over, and if “Kathy” never comes back they’ll just have regular custody without even having to adopt her. Funny how things always work out like that!

Amy, on advice from Hannah, decides she has to tell Ephram she’s totally hot for him. But first she meets Stephanie at the coffee shop to tell her she’s going to tell Ephram. Stephanie’s nice about it, but is basically like, yeah, whatever, we all know I’m hotter than you. Then later Amy has an awkward run-in with the happy couple at the movies. She compliments Ephram’s jacket and finds out Steph gave it to him!! akwwwarddd.......

Delia and Andy are driving through the snow-capped mountains of Colorado. Andy gives Delia the “you’re not a little girl anymore” speech, and then pulls into a stable, where Delia is introduced to “Sugar,” her new horse. She hugs Andy. *tear-up: 3 out of 5*

Very cute scene on the couch at Abbot’s house: Hannah is trying to figure out what college to go to: it’s between Notre Dame and Colorado A&M. She asks Bright’s advice. She reads off the pros and cons. Bright’s basically on both lists. damn. He doesn’t know what to tell her.

Andy is going out of town, but no one knows where. Harold pumps him for info at the office. Harold’s all, “It was you versus Dr. Boob Job and you won! why are you going out of town?” heh heh.

New York graveyard: Now Andy’s at Julia Brown’s tombstone. He’s having a grand old time, pontificating without the interruption of someone else trying to get a word in edgewise. He thanks Julia for showing him how to love, etc., and says he’s gonna ask Nina to marry him, etc. etc. Etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Tear-up: 1 out of 5 (it’s just not the same without the sudden dawn of understanding on the other person’s face).

Exterior of Edna’s house: Harold calls Edna out on her lying. Turns out she’s gonna ride around in an RV instead of go to Africa. Edna accuses Harold of causing a ruckus, then admits she’s “acting crazier than an outhouse rat.” She’s all freaking out cuz Irv is dead. They say stuff.

Bright and Hannah are hiking up a mountain, talking about college. Hannah still hasn’t decided. Bright tells her she should go to Notre Dame, because that’s what’s best for her, and he’s gonna be her “best friend for life.” They hug. Tear-up: 4 out of 5
Then, like, 3 scenes later, we see Hannah mailing the acceptance to Colorado A&M. god, I thought she was smarter than that!

Amy is all depressed at her house, just like the old days, and is talking to Rose. She says she can’t interfere with “Stephram.” hehe. She wants to win Ephram back, but feels like she needs to make a grand gesture. I mean, he is the guy that had his dad operate on her comatose boyfriend when he was in love with her, which Amy notes.
Then, as Amy lays back and thinks of Ephram, there is an awesome Amy/Ephram flashback montage where we can relive all of the greatest moments of their relationship! The song is much better. They are so cute, little high school Amy and Ephram, first kiss, first real kiss, he gave her a necklace, etc. etc. awww. Then she gets up and says to Rose, “I’ve got it! But I need your help....”

Edna comes over to the Abbot’s, and finds that Harold and Rose have made up a room for her. I’m like, this is how Rose is going to help win Ephram back? Then I realize it’s totally unrelated. Anyway, they’re like, please move in, we need your help with Lily and we love you, etc. Tear-up: 1 out of 5.

Second-to-last-scene: Andy is getting ready to go propose to Nina. He and Ephram have a father/son H2H (heart to heart) in which they both reveal how proud they are of each other and crap. Then Andy takes Nina out in front of their houses and tells her how much he loves her and stuff and gets down on one knee. Apparently Nina’s last name is Feeny. Who knew? He’s like, “I know you already saw the ring but...” and Nina’s like, “I never opened the box!” and Andy’s like, “oh, well then this makes this part more fun!” She says yes. Of course. (I guess she’s lucky Jake made that decision for her!) awww. Tear-up: 5 out of 5. I think I actually shed a tear.

Bachelor pad: Ephram is leaving a message on Stephanie’s machine telling her he’s running late. He puts on his jacket and runs out the door. There’s Amy, waiting for him, with a Ferris Wheel behind her. Apparently Former Mayor Abbott pulled some strings. Nice. Amy asks Ephram if he remembers the significance of the Ferris Wheel and he’s like, “of course, that’s when I found out your nickname was Grover.” She goes, “I can’t believe you remember that.” And he’s like, “Amy, I remember everything about that day.” Amy starts telling Ephram how she keeps trying to get him out of her mind, but she’s in love with him, and she’s sorry if she screwed things up. Ephram stops her, then kisses her like a man. He says, “You’re my one.” and they kiss again a few more times before heading over to the Ferris Wheel Tear-up: 5 out of 5. The camera pans up, over quiet, darkened Everwood.

--The End--

Welcome to my spankin' new blog

Well, I've finally done it: I've created a blog. And I should probably start with a picture, huh? so here's one of Evie Garland, star of the short-lived sitcom Out of This World. On her thirteenth birthday, Evie finds out that her father is not dead as she had previously thought, but is instead living on his home planet, Anterias. She begins communicating with him through a glowing diamond-sculpture thing. And also realizes she can freeze time (pictured), a skill that left such a lasting impression on me that I'm naming my blog after the show some fifteen years later.
Well, got to run...I'm on company time, here....