Sunday, April 29, 2007

My Newest Addiction: The Shield

Well, The Shield is on again, and when The Shield is on, I am watching The Shield. This is the second time I've seen this part of this episode. I watched the entire episode last Tuesday, but they replay it over and over again, and I keep finding myself watching it. I can't turn away until after the part at the end where Vic turns into a little rhino. For those of you who have never seen Michael Chiklis as Vic Mackey, he's a pudgy, wild-eyed, crude asshole who also happens to be the fucking hottest thing alive. Michael Chiklis is also the only actor on TV to have the balls to end a scene with drool running down his face.

It would be bad enough that I'll watch the same episode of The Shield over and over.
But I also watch the censored-for-latenight network reruns on channel 11 at 1am every Saturday night (currently in season 3). This Saturday-night episode repeats the next Sunday, so if I miss it I'll catch it then, or sometimes, if it was particularly good, I'll watch it again.

To supplement my Shield addiction during the Wednesday–Friday period, I've recently started getting Season 1 of The Shield from Netflix. For the past week or so, I've been able to watch The Shield pretty much every night.

Incidentally, why aren't YOU watching The Shield? Too busy with American Idol or House or some shit? Not that I'm saying you should be as dedicated to Vic's unique brand of renegade justice as I am. In fact, the only other person I know who is as dedicated to The Shield as I am insists I'm making a mistake. He believes The Shield is a good enough TV show to take the effort to experience in the order in which it was meant to be experienced.

I can see what's he's saying, but there's something about experiencing it all at once—from the death of Terry; to Lem; to Shane's cock, Frank, when he went undercover at the Cockfight.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Afternoon Movie Review: First Knight

I'm sure you've all seen at least a small bit of First Knight at one time or another. It's that movie where Sean Connery plays King Arthur and Richard Gere is Lancelot? It also falls into the category of the perfect Afternoon Movie, one that I would never rent or buy but when it's on The Superstation on a Saturday afternoon I will sit and watch it from beginning to end.

Of course, what I'm doing throughout most of the movie (besides fucking around on myspace and eating lunch) is wishing that I had Richard Gere and Sean Connery fighting over my love. If two guys ever loved me at the same time, they'd probably be more like the guy whose red stapler keeps getting stolen in Office Space and Horned-Rimmed Glasses on Heroes. And I don't think either of those guys would be positioning forest leaves in a pattern so that the rain will drip from one to the next and then into my mouth, or proclaiming "Camelot is yours!" Sigh.

Now I'm not saying I don't totally secretly adore this movie, but unfortunately it really hasn't stood the test of time, thanks to American's favorite racist's elaborately staged war scenes in Braveheart, the Patriot, and Lord of the Rings (he directed that, right?). The ones in this movie look so unimpressive you're just like, yeah, whatever, the American Gigolo just jumped off his horse and now he's shoving a sword into someone, blah blah blah. Also, enough with the elongated facial close-ups, Director Jerry Zucker. I mean, I know your last movie before First Knight was Ghost, but c'mon, Goldfinger was a good movie because Connery was running around shooting people, not because we kept looking as his hurt look every time Pussy Galore made a cutting remark.

But seriously, this is one of those movies that's perfect for killing time...the type of movie they should show on the bus to Boston (NOT City Slickers 2: The Search for the Golden Curls, which I was forced to watch last time. Peter Pan Buslines, WTF?!). If you've never seen it, sit down with a bag of Doritos and a desire to put off your weekend chores and enjoy.

It's about time...

...I updated my links, which you can find on the right side of this page. Like reading this blog? Perhaps you'd like to visit my links.

Of special note are two newly added ones, Mike's Bloggity Blog Blob and Common Errors in English. I have no idea who Mike is, other than through the close personal relationship we share from reading each other's blogs and commenting on them, but he's rather delightful and I think he loves TV as much as I do. Common Errors in English is not some clever blog title, it's actually a listing of common errors in English. If you would like to have sexual relations with me, write as many of these down on index cards and then take them and me to a bar. Quiz me on these common errors in English and pretend to be impressed with my vast knowledge. I'll be all, "Oh, I have to know this stuff for work..." but actually I will be getting high on how smart I think I am. Buy me three martinis, then pounce. Just FYI.

I also urge you to visit Mit Ach und Krach, listed under "What Makes Me Happy" over there, which contains some wonderful artwork by a dear friend of mine. If said dear friend was a gay man living in New Hampshire, her blog would look exactly like The Slam Pig. And if you're feeling angsty about work, you must visit the Meatgrinder Memos ASAP.

Top off your freetime with a visit to the Johnny Five Scrapbook, then zone out in front of Infinite Hasselhoff for a while. Then, of course, come back to anterias to obsessively check if I've posted again.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Summer in Brooklyn

This weekend has the been the first nice one in NYC since that weird 70-degree Saturday in January. I know most people probably think summertime is the worst time to be in the city—so few out-of-doors spaces to enjoy the birds and the stars, and only a select few friends with barbeques to mooch off of.

But summertime is what I love most about Brooklyn, when everyone opens up their windows (except for the old people in my building who actually had on their ACs today), cranks up their stereos, and gets ready to start interacting with each other again. It doesn't matter if your neighbor is into smooth jazz, because you can just crank up the Bowie. And there is something fantastic about sitting in my apartment, hearing "you give me fever...when you touch me...fever all through the night" wafting over the barbed wire that surrounds my "back yard" (actually the gravel-covered roof of my building's parking garage, but I drag a lawn chair out the window and it's all mine).

Not only that, you begin to smell burgers, and curry, and smells so good you can't even imagine what they are—you only wish you knew who was producing them so you could be invited for dinner. Sounds of kids shrieking and power tools humming line the neighborhoods. I can hear the church bells clanging each hour more clearly, and the local mosque broadcasting its five daily prayers—an eerie, yet calming sound that always seems to become one with the wind.

So even though we can't go swimming in the lake and sit around bonfires in the summer, every April we come out of our small apartments and have our summers with strangers, whether they are the ones we see laughing through their open windows or the ones whose deck parties we hear over the noise of police sirens and the Mr. Softee song.

Happy Summer, New York, it's gonna be a good one.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Rules for the Paparazzi

1) Stake out home of celebrity
2) Snap of a shot of him in jogging shorts or a swimsuit
3) Examine photo for bulge
4) Sell to
5) Make up a clever caption and post

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Grey's Anatomy: Who's Done Whom Update

In honor of tomorrow's new episode of Grey's Anatomy (recaps don't count!), here's an update to my handy Who's Slept with Whom spreadsheet.

What have we learned since last time? Though unassuming, George is clearly a slut. And maybe Cristina and Burke just might make it, because they are bringing in people from the past to up Cristina's booty count.

Also, some corrections from last time. One, Alex and Izzie did do it...he couldn't get it up when they were dating but I had forgotten that the bomb scare had totally turned him on. I had also forgotten about his banging of the terminally ill patient in the bar bathroom. But I promise not to forget about Alex's sexual activities anymore. Gee, I just can't wait for him to make sweet, sensitive love to the pregnant amnesiac with full-body bruising.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

A Must-Watch

I recently stumbled upon the best documentary I've seen in a long time. From BBC2, it's about the Westboro Baptist Church, you know, the "God Hates Fags" people who have been protesting at soldiers' funerals. In it, Louis Theroux, who got his start in TV journalism on Michael Moore's TV Nation, goes and lives with the Phelps (the family who composes 90% of the church) for three weeks. There's lots of the bizarre in here——from "Gramps," the pastor, yelling "YER GONNA EAT YER BABIES!" during a sermon to the family picketing a hardware store that sells Swedish vacuums because the Swedish government had recently arrested a pastor who spoke out against homosexuality—and Theroux is the perfect reporter. Maybe it's because he looks like a slightly hotter version of Mo Rocca, is polite in that way only Brits can be, or because he adopts an air of sincere concern and bafflement throughout, but you can see that the family (the teenaged girls, especially) seem to really take a shine to him, even as they happily tell him he's going to burn in hell.

The best thing about this documentary, though, is that it goes beyond the "look what freaks these people are" angle to really examine cultures of hatred and how they can be passed down to children. When you watch the 7-year-old trying to explain what the "Fag Troops" sign his 6-year-old sister is holding means, or the girls say they don't have any friends or boyfriends and never will, it's easy to see them as victims of some kind of Philip Zimbardo–esque experiment on human cruelty. They believe because they've been conditioned to believe, and when Theroux tries to challenge their beliefs he's met with nothing but nonsensical argument. After finishing these videos (it's broken into a series of 7 on youtube), I just felt pity for these people, which released me from the hatred I've felt for them since the first time I saw the words "God Hates Fags" in the 90s. And that, I think, is the ultimate revenge.

The Most Hated Family in America (youtube)
An interview with my new crush, Louis Theroux (who, incidentally, is the cousin of sexy actor Justin Theroux, from Mulholland Drive and Six Feet Under)

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Jeff: I think I love you

I've been thinking a lot about Jeff VanVonderen lately. You may recognize him from A&E's popular reality show INTERVENTION, where you can watch real live people doing crack and chugging beer on their way to work. At some point during each episode, a professional interventionist comes in and instructs the family on how to properly confront their loved one about his or her addiction. FYI to my loved ones, if I ever become addicted to something, I want Jeff! Don't be getting Candy what's-her-face or that self-serving Dr. Tara. Jeff will sit up with you all night talking about how I've wrecked your life and what you're gonna do about it, then sit me down and sternly make me watch my mother cry until I agree to go to a some kind of drying out center in Alabama.

It doesn't even bother me that Jeff's a big Christian, because he's done a lot of work about abuses of power in the church. I know because I watched a 10-minute video lecture he did on the subject (thanks google video!), back when his hair was bushy and brown and he had a beard. The one thing that does bother me about Jeff is that I don't think he's probably a very good lover. He's too results-orientated, and he doesn't seem particularly in touch with his own body. Anyhoo, none of that matters when you're dying for your next fix and you're sitting on a couch surrounded by your extended family and a mass of video cameras in a non-smoking hotel room and Jeff VanVonderen has just shaken your hand. Because at this point, the most you can hope for is some painfully sober halfway house sex.

If you're a good American, you will know all the words to this song

Friday, April 06, 2007

Lloyd Dobbler

I know you like 'em young

Monday, April 02, 2007

Blow-by-Blow of The Bachelor premiere - because you know you want it.

9:58 – I just switched over from 24, which topped a dreadfully boring first half with an awesome Bauer Power half-Hour. The show started 15 minutes early, but I’ve missed nothing. The ladies are meeting the Bachelor one by one. I’m sure each one has tried her hardest to say something to make him remember her, but already all these Product Managers, Customer Service Representatives, Teachers, and Texans look exactly the same.

10:01 – Ah damn. The first impression rose is still sitting on the golden patter! I’m sure we’ll know when he meets the special lady because the music will change. This guy is way hotter than last year’s bachelor. And he just said his brother got married at the Art Institute of Chicago, so clearly he’s loaded.

10:07 – ew, this one gave him a fortune from a fortune cookie to try to make herself stick out. He’s just gonna pick the HOTTEST ones this round, dummy!

10:08 – Stephanie from South Carolina, who has the globeyist breasts and the most perfectly flowing hair just got the rose. But surprise! She’s an “organ donor coordinator,” whatever the hell that means. I think it means she checked a box on the back of her driver’s license.

10:09 – This woman just asked where his uniform is. He laughed at her, because he’s never seen two seconds of combat.

10:19 – “We’re gonna have a lot of fun,” says Andy. And what he means is, “Let’s get wwaaaasted.”

10:20 – Andy reveals he used to teach Sunday school. barf.

10:21 – Amanda from Texas plays the “I feel bad for you for the decision you have to make!” card, then throws in that she traveled outside the U.S. so he thinks she’s worldly.

10:22 – Linda’s gonna get cut, even though she’s a lawyer. No, it’s not because she just COMPLETELY misused the word ironic. It’s because she’s the oldest, and she has bug eyes.

10:23 – Holy crap. Fortune cookie woman is NOT serenading Andy with the Star-Spangled Banner.

10:24 – Holy FUCKING crap. Andy just wiped a tear. He WIPED A TEAR, people. He loves his war-mongering country so much!

10:30 – Danielle L., who has the longest VCL (Visible Cleavage Line), makes an awkward segue to announce that her college bf died. Andy fakes pity. Not that I've seen every season, but I think he has the fakest facial expressions of any bachelor thus far. And can you blame him? He has to make small talk with 25 of the most attention-seeking women in America.

10:31 – Lindsay becomes the first to start trash-talking another contestant. Way to be classy, Lindsay, way to be classy.

10:33 – Blakeney (Blakeney? Are they kidding? She must have made that up), with crossed eyes, announces that Andy is cute as a button and falls on her ass. Lindsay laughes, tries to start sumpthin’

10:35 – Andy completely misuses the word ironic. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUCEMENT: “Ironic” does not mean strange, weird, coincidental, or interesting. I thought everybody knew this already.

10:36 – When THE BACHELOR continues, Andy “will face the hardest decision of his life.” Um, if the hardest decision of his life is which of 25 girls he’s going to only give one hour of fame, the dude’s doing ok. I use the commercial break to do some internet research. On Andy’s official myspace page you can see a horrible slideshow that commingles photos of him putting band aids on children in Laos with stock photos of large insects and troubled natives. Hey, don’t poke that kid in the eye!

10:40 – It’s Andy’s birthday! And some girls are making cake! And they used tequila rather than eggs!

10:41 – Linda and Andy do push-ups together. Ironically.

10:42 – Stephanie just did the worm, then some backflips. Clearly she deserved that rose. Oh wait, different Stephanie.

10:49 – The rose ceremony. “Ladies, you’re beautiful, accomplished…blah blah blah.” I hope he chooses Lindsay, because she’s psycho, and Blakeney, because she can’t hold her liquor and her fake name is sure to exposed.

10:50 – Lindsay is sooo pissed he’s chosen 4 girls and not her yet

10:51 – Confession: I’ve been blogging about this all episode, and I only recognize one of the girls who’s been chosen so far.

10:52 – Bug Eyes looks worried. Lindsay’s still totally pissed. That’s the way to get him to pick you, honey.

10:53 – Tina, the Star-Spangled Banner chick, gets chosen. One woman tries hard not to roll her eyes.

10:54 – And the other Stephanie gets the final rose. Lindsay storms off while the other girls try not to cry. They all succeed, except for Lindsay, who also has the mouth of a trucker. “I don’t give a [bleep] and I want to [bleep] go home! He’s short and his teeth look fake!” [tear wipe, tear wipe] ouch.

10:55 – The end-of-first-episode champagne toast.

Well people, let me know if you would like more recaps of the Bachelor. And if you don’t, I will probably provide you with them anyway. It’s gonna be a good season. I can tell from the “Coming up on the Bachelor” montage at the end of the episode, which is set to the tune of “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong”—hot cars, Andy takes his shirt off, making out, more crying, a waterfall, a visit by the paramedics, and more commercials for the U.S. military than you can imagine.

I'm such a sucker

I'd like to tell you that after viewing another disappointing episode of 24 tonight, I will turn the tv off, and read a good book, empty the litter box, write a letter, or some scrapbooking. Or even watch a quality program on my new cable or watch some of my favorite kiefer montages on youtube. But sadly, what I will really do is watch the season premiere of The Bachelor, because I can't get enough of desperate, unintelligent women with fake boobs and too much make-up vie for the attention of a boring, yet superficially "perfect" man. Dude, one of them makes him a cake out of TEQUILA tonight. I might have to live blog the entire experience.