Monday, April 02, 2007

Blow-by-Blow of The Bachelor premiere - because you know you want it.

9:58 – I just switched over from 24, which topped a dreadfully boring first half with an awesome Bauer Power half-Hour. The show started 15 minutes early, but I’ve missed nothing. The ladies are meeting the Bachelor one by one. I’m sure each one has tried her hardest to say something to make him remember her, but already all these Product Managers, Customer Service Representatives, Teachers, and Texans look exactly the same.

10:01 – Ah damn. The first impression rose is still sitting on the golden patter! I’m sure we’ll know when he meets the special lady because the music will change. This guy is way hotter than last year’s bachelor. And he just said his brother got married at the Art Institute of Chicago, so clearly he’s loaded.

10:07 – ew, this one gave him a fortune from a fortune cookie to try to make herself stick out. He’s just gonna pick the HOTTEST ones this round, dummy!

10:08 – Stephanie from South Carolina, who has the globeyist breasts and the most perfectly flowing hair just got the rose. But surprise! She’s an “organ donor coordinator,” whatever the hell that means. I think it means she checked a box on the back of her driver’s license.

10:09 – This woman just asked where his uniform is. He laughed at her, because he’s never seen two seconds of combat.

10:19 – “We’re gonna have a lot of fun,” says Andy. And what he means is, “Let’s get wwaaaasted.”

10:20 – Andy reveals he used to teach Sunday school. barf.

10:21 – Amanda from Texas plays the “I feel bad for you for the decision you have to make!” card, then throws in that she traveled outside the U.S. so he thinks she’s worldly.

10:22 – Linda’s gonna get cut, even though she’s a lawyer. No, it’s not because she just COMPLETELY misused the word ironic. It’s because she’s the oldest, and she has bug eyes.

10:23 – Holy crap. Fortune cookie woman is NOT serenading Andy with the Star-Spangled Banner.

10:24 – Holy FUCKING crap. Andy just wiped a tear. He WIPED A TEAR, people. He loves his war-mongering country so much!

10:30 – Danielle L., who has the longest VCL (Visible Cleavage Line), makes an awkward segue to announce that her college bf died. Andy fakes pity. Not that I've seen every season, but I think he has the fakest facial expressions of any bachelor thus far. And can you blame him? He has to make small talk with 25 of the most attention-seeking women in America.

10:31 – Lindsay becomes the first to start trash-talking another contestant. Way to be classy, Lindsay, way to be classy.

10:33 – Blakeney (Blakeney? Are they kidding? She must have made that up), with crossed eyes, announces that Andy is cute as a button and falls on her ass. Lindsay laughes, tries to start sumpthin’

10:35 – Andy completely misuses the word ironic. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUCEMENT: “Ironic” does not mean strange, weird, coincidental, or interesting. I thought everybody knew this already.

10:36 – When THE BACHELOR continues, Andy “will face the hardest decision of his life.” Um, if the hardest decision of his life is which of 25 girls he’s going to only give one hour of fame, the dude’s doing ok. I use the commercial break to do some internet research. On Andy’s official myspace page you can see a horrible slideshow that commingles photos of him putting band aids on children in Laos with stock photos of large insects and troubled natives. Hey, don’t poke that kid in the eye!

10:40 – It’s Andy’s birthday! And some girls are making cake! And they used tequila rather than eggs!

10:41 – Linda and Andy do push-ups together. Ironically.

10:42 – Stephanie just did the worm, then some backflips. Clearly she deserved that rose. Oh wait, different Stephanie.

10:49 – The rose ceremony. “Ladies, you’re beautiful, accomplished…blah blah blah.” I hope he chooses Lindsay, because she’s psycho, and Blakeney, because she can’t hold her liquor and her fake name is sure to exposed.

10:50 – Lindsay is sooo pissed he’s chosen 4 girls and not her yet

10:51 – Confession: I’ve been blogging about this all episode, and I only recognize one of the girls who’s been chosen so far.

10:52 – Bug Eyes looks worried. Lindsay’s still totally pissed. That’s the way to get him to pick you, honey.

10:53 – Tina, the Star-Spangled Banner chick, gets chosen. One woman tries hard not to roll her eyes.

10:54 – And the other Stephanie gets the final rose. Lindsay storms off while the other girls try not to cry. They all succeed, except for Lindsay, who also has the mouth of a trucker. “I don’t give a [bleep] and I want to [bleep] go home! He’s short and his teeth look fake!” [tear wipe, tear wipe] ouch.

10:55 – The end-of-first-episode champagne toast.

Well people, let me know if you would like more recaps of the Bachelor. And if you don’t, I will probably provide you with them anyway. It’s gonna be a good season. I can tell from the “Coming up on the Bachelor” montage at the end of the episode, which is set to the tune of “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong”—hot cars, Andy takes his shirt off, making out, more crying, a waterfall, a visit by the paramedics, and more commercials for the U.S. military than you can imagine.

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