Saturday, December 29, 2007

I've done it again


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Friday, December 28, 2007

ER and me: back together?

Like most of you, I plan on getting through the strike by watching tv shows on DVD and holding onto the last remaining episodes of the Simpsons (there's six of them left, including one where Ralph Wiggum becomes president!). But something occurred to me last night. I am awfully susceptible to getting hooked on new shows, and with very little to watch I might just get hooked on all sorts of stuff I never knew I needed to see before.

Worst still, I may even get hooked on shows I used to watch until I eventually built up enough antibodies to turn them off. Like ER. Like most people, I haven't watched this show since dreamboat George Clooney left. OK, OK, if I'm being honest, I held on all the way through Goose's brain tumor and long enough to know who Abby is.

But then I never looked back, except for the season 13 ep when Abby's baby was born in a storyline copied almost directly from the season 3 ep when Benton's baby was born. Even though it's even more melodramatic than Grey's Anatomy, and the lighting is still straight out of St. Elsewhere, not only do they have Stanley Tucci, they also have John Stamos. And he is still as dreamy as he was in Jesse and the Rippers:

I may be in trouble.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Hollywood: Alcoholic Homeless People Aren't Funny Anymore

Like most of you, I was gathered around my christmas tree + tv (they're so delightfully close to each other!) tonight watching AMC's airing of "Santa Claus: The Movie," that 1985 gem starring Dudley Moore as Patch, the elf gone bad.

During a scene where Patch disappears with a sprinkling of magic dust and the drunken hobo next to him is the only one who sees, I realized something: movies don't have rummy bums as foils anymore!

A staple since the times of Charlie Chaplin, the lovable, confused homeless alcoholic arguably hit his stride as a archetype in the 1980s, where he appeared as the only witness to unbelievable events in Back to the Futures I and II, Big Business, and the aforementioned SC:TM. In addition, lovable bums (the very same ones!) appeared in Coming to America and Trading Places.

But at some point, for some reason Hollywood decided that alcoholic homeless people are NOT delightful, if not utterly undependable, bearded dudes who drink out of brown paper bags on city benches, shrugging their shoulders at the results of our foibles. Freaking liberals...because of them we'll never get to see Owen Wilson as a lovable wino who lives by a trash can.

Monday, November 26, 2007

for s.b.

Hello, friends, fans, and people who google "cock bulge," "splash mountain boobs," and "Mary Steenburgen nude"! I'm back after a deboucherous, dignity-defying, delicious weekend.

After a trip to the graveyard (left) and to Arby's, we settled in peter's bed with turkey sandwiches, several cokes, and lots of beer to watch 6 episodes of The Shield from the season 1 set I bought just so I could loan it to people. Damn, have I mentioned how good The Shield is? You can't blame me for trying to get you to watch it, because right now we live in a society dominated by pop culture slang terms like vajayjay. When the New York Times writes a piece on vajayjays, it's time to take action.

If more people watched The Shield, the word for vagina in our lexicon would instead be "yammy," which is so much easier to say while raising an eyebrow. Sure, it's in the urban dictionary, but not enough people know about this and the many other dirty lines on The Shield that the FX Network lets slip through. According to the commentary on the infamous "ass fulla cum and back fulla shiv" episode, most of them are penned by Kurt Sutter, shown here as Margos Dezerian, shooting an associate. Would you rather be saying a word that guy popularized, or one that Oprah has told America is "paining" her? (Let me let you think about that one for a minute.) Sure, some people have caught on--Michael Chiklis reports still getting "sweet butter!" yelled at him on the sidewalk (I would link to the video on youtube, but fox pulled it down)--but it is now time for you to take the mantle and go buy the Shield DVDs (not that the writers will get any money for that). If you start watching now, you'll be able to catch up in time for the final season.

What else are you going to do with your TV?

Saturday, November 10, 2007


sometimes you just get sick of yourself, and your blog. If it makes you feel better, pretend like I'm on strike.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

An Important Notice to DVR Users

For those of you who only watch shows you've pre-recorded, don't forget that you may be missing some great commercials. Like this one I caught while watching Benji the Hunted on WLNY55/10:

It's so bad I think it belong in the annals of some of my favorite bad commercials of all time, including the Boch auto commercial in Boston that featured Ernie Boch Jr. before he was cool yelling "woah, you two! stop making love!", and Chicago's Eagleman auto insurance from when I was a kid

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Grey's Anatomy, I can't but love your hospital drama

This season, I told myself I was over Grey's Anatomy. I mean, the show is ridiculous. Meredith keeps sabotaging her relationship with the hottest brain surgeon in the world because she's damaged or whatever, George got married to someone he didn't even like that much just so the writers could have some interhospital drama, and Burke left Christina at the altar for the ol' "I love you more than you love me" reason employed in season one of ER when Dr. "Tag" Tagilieri left Carol Hathaway at the altar, paving the way for George Clooney to sweep in.

Which reminds me, I stuck around ER for seasons after it was good--I had to watch Dr. Greene hook up with the horrible British lady before he died full of regrets, for Abby to hook up with Carter like we knew she wanted to and then to have it go badly for pretty much no reason other than Noah Wyle wanted to get his ass off the show, and for Dr. Pratt to come be the new Dr. Benton.

That's why, after getting totally swept up in Grey's again (every time Patrick Dempsey turns on those bedroom eyes I just can't help myself), I have decided that Grey's Anatomy and ER should just combine into the same show. Let Luka be the Chief, have Jon Stamos play Sloan, and let Linda Cardellini inject a bit of Lindsay Weir's angst into Meredith Gray.

But until all my pop culture dreams come true, please enjoy this updated Gray's Anatomy: Who's Slept with Whom spreadsheet, color-coded for your convenience. (Click to enlarge)

Friday, October 19, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jon Hamm

Don Draper, will you narrate my slide show ad pitch?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The Tube is gone!

The only music network worth watching, The Tube, has been been pulled from the air. For those of you who never watched the channel, you really missed out, and for those of you who were fans, I don't have to tell you how much this sucks.

According to Wikipedia, they had to shut down because they were broke. I guess I could have figured this, since they had so few ads, and they were all for weird things like the Air Hog blimp. Also according to Wikipedia, the last video they played was "Woke Up This Morning," aka The Sopranos theme song. It stopped abruptly at 12:01 and the screen went blank.

We'll miss you, Tube. Flipping through the channels will never be the same.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I know I've been neglecting you, internets, but unfortunately I just can't see to come up with anything coherent to say about anything lately. So how about some incoherent ramblings? Here are the things that have been on my mind that would make fairly decent blog posts if I had the inspiration to really write about them. Feel free to choose your favorite and write your own blog post about it.

1. I would totally watch Brothers & Sisters if Greg Berlanti would cast Gregory Smith as Emily VanCamp's bf that Sally Field's family doesn't approve of.

2. No one probably has any idea who anyone other than Sally Field was that I just mentioned. It was a little show called Everwood, people, and it was like Brothers & Sisters except it KNEW it was cheesy, and instead of Sally Field's hysterics we got Treat Williams' raised voice and measured apology/feelings explanation.

3. Maybe it's just because I spent a lot of time with him when I was going through puberty and he was a smoldering pediatrician, but I always kind of felt like George Clooney was mine. Until he forsook me for a cocktail waitress/scorpion eater/motorcycle accident victim. On the bright side, George never stays with one woman for too long, and look at her last boyfriend/Fear Factor partner! Maybe there is hope for me yet.

4. I think Dirty Sexy Money is my favorite new show. Unless you count Tina Fey's American Express commercial.

5. I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. Behold my provisions for the weekend (other than a nice bottle of vicodin):

6. I want Wes Anderson's brother to come decorate my apartment. Owen can come help (it will give him something purposeful to do), and afterwards I'll make us all some pizza rolls and peanut butter/banana milk shakes.

7. I think what is wrong with our culture today can pretty much be boiled down to the fact that smug, egotistical John Edwards still continues to get TV deals, while gentle, Mr. Belvedere lookalike James Van Praagh gets his show canceled and has to watch Jennifer Love Hewitt reenact his life. If I was dead, I would so never communicate with a guy who whitens his teeth so he can flirt with my bereft sister or whatever.

8. Does everything google touches turn to gold? This new site from blogger is absolutely mesmerizing, and one of the best encapsulations of humankind I've ever seen: it's a slideshow of recently uploaded photos to blogspot blogs. Just try not to get drawn in....

9. I'll try to write some posts this weekend while I'm drooling all over myself and am too disfigured to leave the house. Thanks for sticking with me, people

Saturday, September 15, 2007

All I want for Christmas is a rainbow guitar strap

Don't thank me, thank The Tube.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Pop Culture Dreams

As a frequent dreamer and consumer of pop culture, I often have pop culture–related dreams. Which of these should I be the most worried about? (These are all real by the way, written down in my various dream journals in the past year.)

1. I'm in the back seat of a car with some people, on our way to a pool. Through a conversation we're having, I come to realize that the edition of Gone with the Wind that I have was not the original one. In both of our versions Rhett and Scarlett went to see a movie together, but in my version, the movie they go see is Star Wars, and there's a lot of talk about Star Wars. But in the real version, they went to see a different movie, and the version I have was a special promotional version that was put out when Star Wars came out. Suddenly it all seems so obvious--of course, Star Wars wasn't even out during the Civil War! and I say, "look, the only picture in mine is of a space ship from Star Wars!" I am devastated not only because I had been duped, but because the version of the book I have was my mother's, and its inscribed to her from her mother. And no one knew all along that it was the wrong version.

2. I'm in the final fashion show for America's Next Top Model and the challenge is that I'm supposed to walk down the runway looking mad.

3. At I'm work, which has relocated to two doors down from my apartment building. Howard K. Stern calls me from Anna Nicole's wake, or maybe it was Danilynn's birthday, I don't know. I'm pretty psyched about this because he wants to do a book, like an autobiography or something, with us, and I think it's going to make a ton of money. The next thing I know, he's in my cubicle, shaking the back of my chair, and he talks me into getting up and waltzing with him in space between our cubicles.

4. I'm making out with Vic Mackey.

5. Steve Martin is being honored at an awards show that I am in charge of. I see him on some steps and I think, "Is that Steve Martin? He looks like shit!" He's wearing a tux, but he's all unshaven and he just got out of rehab. Then he comes up to me and grumbles about how he maybe he shouldn't have come, and people aren't going to like him, etc. I grab the fleshy part of his face just above his chin and give him a kiss on the opposite cheek. We exchange meaningful looks.

6. My mom stabs Alan Arkin in the back of the neck.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I would watch the Emmys

if these were the nominees.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Dear Jack Nicholson, I'm totally putting you on my myspace page

1. Clear your calendar for the next 20 minutes
2. Read this 1984 Rolling Stone interview with Jack Nicholson
3. Just try to tell me it's not one of the most fascinating pop culture interviews you've ever read

Here are some quotes to whet your appetite (hint: read them in your head in Jack's voice):

On BFF Warren Beatty:
I certainly know that he loves Diane Keaton. Maybe I shouldn't say that, because he doesn't want to have his personal life discussed, but in this case—[laughs]—fuck him.

On women:
I prefer the company of women, and I have deep respect for them. I'm buzzed by the female mystique. I always tell young men there are three rules: They hate us, we hate them; they're stronger, they're smarter; and, most important, they don't play fair.

On The Postman Always Rings Twice:
See, Americans don't like sexual movies, they like sexy movies.

On aging:
I don't want to be a man who, just past a certain point of physicality, believes it when young women who aren't say they actually prefer you this way....It's a goofy, clownish part; I don't mind acting it, but I don't want to be it.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Five Reasons to Watch Saving Grace

Though the best new show on cable may be Mad Men, the most watched is Saving Grace, a Highway to Heaven update starring the commanding Holly Hunter. I chalk this up to everyone who's read The Left Behind series, but of course, that lead-in from Kyra Sedwick's The Closer, of whose audience SG retains 91 percent, doesn't hurt.

The show is rough around the edges—critics bemoan the angel-saving-the-wicked-woman premise, and I wish they'd give up on the tidy, police procedural plotlines and just let the actors act already—but it stands up, and hasn't become tired like the "get to the point already" Damages on FX.

Just in time for you to catch the last two episodes of the season before Heroes starts up on Mondays, here's five reasons to watch:

1. Holly Hunter
I know I don't need to convince you that Holly Hunter is a good actress. In the show, Hunter's nuanced acting makes her a joy to watch in any scene, even those suffering from often-cheesy dialogue (much of it penned by The Closer's Nancy Miller). And I don't think I could ever get sick of watching her drink, smoke, and fuck (all of which she does a lot of). Bonus points for scenes of her and a hot cowboy cop galloping on horses.

2. Oklahoma
I bet that it's actually filmed in LA, but the show takes place in Oklahoma (which is this state by Texas). The characters are always climbing trees and hanging out in barns and hick bars. And as we are continually reminded, Grace's sister died in the Oklahoma City bombing. Watching a series that takes place in a red state is kind of interesting, and there are some very pretty landscape shots.

3. Laura San Giacomo is more Kit than Maya
Laura San Giacomo, who plays a forensics expert and has all of the "CSI" lines, is so likable you'll forget having to watch her as annoying Maya Gallow, lecturing David Spade on Just Shoot Me, and remember her as Julia Robert's lovable BHF (best hooker friend) in Pretty Woman.

4. Earl the Angel Isn't the Only One in Heaven

Like all Shield fans (yes, I'm bringing up The Shield again), I've felt that the world hasn't been quite right ever since Lem fell victim to the ol' grenade-dropped-in-the-backseat. But here, we get to see Lem in his perfect afterlife. Instead of getting left by Vic to babysit three Salvadoran drug runners (and subsequently having to fight them all off), Lem—oops, I mean Ham—is left by Grace to sit in a one of those wooden porch chairs outside of her grandfather's trailer, gazing at the sun (Lem almost gets shot in the head with a rifle; Ham, pooped on by a bird). Adding to the Oz-esque atmosphere of Lem's redemption-filled afterlife are his old nemeses in new roles: the woman who turned him in to IAD as a helpless rape victim, the IAD guy she talked to as Kit's husband. Pretty soon Forrest Whitaker is going to show up as his uncle or something.

5. Grace is an atheist
I think the whole angel thing would do me in, but the show's saving grace (ha! get it?) is that Grace herself is an atheist. Unfortunately I don't think the show can go on for many more seasons before she converts, but as long as she keeps up her bad behavior, I may just be hooked.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Hackneyed Expressions

The Harbrace Handbook of English (1941) says

Nearly all trite expressions were once striking and effecive. From overuse they have lost their vigor. They no longer stimulate the reader; often they annoy him.

Here are some of the "hackneyed expresssions" they list:

a bolt from the blue / a long-felt want / bathed in tears
brawny arms / briny deep / brown as a berry
cheered to the echo / course of true love / Dame Fortune / deadly earnest
downy couch / eyes like stars
filthy lucre / flower of the Old South / goodly number
Grim Reaper / justice to the occasion
mad as a wet hen / method in his madness
partake of refreshments
poor but honest / riot of color / strong, silent man / sumptuous repast
sun-kissed meadows / table groaned
take my word for it / to the bitter end / toothsome viands / wrought havoc
wry countenance

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Tyra here I come

I recently read that there will be no "plus-sized" models on ANTM this season, so I figured I'd apply. My friend Peter came over and we snapped these shots that are sure to get me on. Some of you may think the unconventional litterbox locale is a little disgusting, but is it more disgusting than pretending to be a victim of domestic violence?

So edgy.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Do you think that the astronauts on the International Space Station, as part of their mission, are charged with keeping the human race alive if everyone on Earth (or Earth itself) is obliterated somehow?

If yes, do you think they discuss it ever? Who would you choose to procreate with first if you Commander Peggy Whitson? (pictured, with rest of space station crew)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Is anyone else... confused and disturbed as I am by the fact that Steve Carell looks sorta hot in this movie poster? Is it the pancakes, or just lots of airbrushing?

Friday, August 10, 2007

The courtship of Ronnie and Paula

A few days ago, you all rolled your eyes because I was posting about The Shield again. Well, when you finally get your asses around to watching The Shield, I hope you plan on coming back to these posts, when you'll actually see them for the witty masterpieces they are.

In any case, last time I was saying how I did some googling (it's a hobby) and found out that David Rees Snell, the hottie who plays underappreciated Ronnie on the show, is married to Melanie Myers, who plays underappreciated Paula on the show.

As I continued to fill practically every free hour watching season 4 of the show, I got to thinking about how The Shield should give poor Ronnie and Paula their own romantic storyline. Three episodes later, in the last scene of the season finale, I got my wish. Herewith, the courtship of Ronnie and Paula:

1) As we close in on the scene, for once Ronnie is in the foreground and Vic is in the background. Although he's in shadow, we can clearly see he's gettin' Paula wasted.

2) Uh oh, now she's laughing and pointing at you! You are so in, buddy; you are so in.

3) Now Ronnie gets his sexiness on as he leans against a pool cue.

4) Just as Ronnie's thinking about making his move, he's cast back into the blurry space behind Vic.

We may never find out what happened.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

NY storm aftermath: pics from my camera phone

This morning while I slept there was a horrible storm in New York. Rumor has it that a "mini tornado" passed through my part of Brooklyn.

This is my street. I saw later (but was unable to capture on phone), a tree that had fallen over and blocked a seldom-used side street. Another tree had fallen on top of a parked car (sucks for that person!!).

Here was a tree that had been completely uprooted, taking part of the sidewalk with it:

Since the subways were mostly shut down, I took the bus in. I nodded off in the financial district, since we were stuck in traffic, unmoving for about a half an hour. When I woke up this was what was out my window:

It took me 3 hours to get to work.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

David Rees Snell: I think I love you

While staring into the surf during my recent vacation, I finally made a life decision: I decided I was ready to start watching The Shield again. I'd taken a little break, because it was beginning to consume me, but I've decided I'm ready to dedicate all my spare time to the travails of the Farmington PD again. If you find all of these posts about The Shield boring, then go watch the show and come back. Seriously. Do I have to buy season 1 for every one of you and sit you down in front of it?

If you're still here, I'm sorry to disappoint all of you who found this page by googling "Michael Chiklis bulge," but this post, for once, isn't about Michael Chiklis. It's about David Rees Snell, who plays Detective Ronnie Gardocki on the show. That's him, kinda blurry in the background in the photo, and that's how he is in most episodes.

Even though he only gets about 6 lines per episode (every episode), I love him. And I know I can't convey that as well as this person did on youtube, where you can find a 4-minute montage of all of Ronnie's best moments set to a dance remix of "Hungry Eyes." But I will try:

I might like him so much because he's got a good sense of humor, or because he looks great in a sweatshirt. But it's probably because he has one of the best beards in the business (we won't mention the 'stache he had in season 1), and I'm not the only one who things so because it's the most commented-on topic of conversation on the discussion board of his imdb page.

David plays back-up man Ronnie, who is the only guy who has managed to deal with the disparate personalities of everyone on the Strike Team. Yet he's mysterious. How did he learn so much about computers and safe cracking? Why is he so good with dogs? Who is this horrible woman he's dating that made him shave the beard? As the members of the Strike Team drop like flies, we see more and more of Ronnie, but just enough to whet our appetites.

I feel kind of bad for David. He gets to be just behind the action all the time, and he joked in a DVD commentary one time about how they were always having him go "around back" when they bust through a house and never show him. But his imdb page also says he's married to the most under-shown female regular on the show: Melanie Myers, who plays Paula the patrol woman, the occasional female confidante to Danny (like when she needs to talk about women stuff like almost kissing Dutch). No one on the internet seems to know when they got married, but I like to think that they spent their free time on the set getting to know each other, and ultimately making out in the "cage" after hours, and then falling in love.

I'm so desperate to see more David Rees Snell that I'm rather angry that the Hallmark Channel Original Movie "Desolation Canyon" isn't available on Netflix. Not only is David in it, but so is Kenny Johnson, who played poor Curtis "Lemonhead" Lemansky on The Shield. (Rounding out the cast is Stacey Keach and Patrick Duffy.) I have no doubt this critically lambasted Wild West adventure would keep me very entertained, as the only reason why I watch that new Holly Hunter program is to see Kenny have TV sex with her.

Anyway, I have to go back to watching The Shield now, so please enjoy this little Ronnie moment, and tell me he's not the cutest:

Or check out this short film, which is pretty dumb but stars DRS when he was a 20-something sideburned cutie without a middle name.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

For Big Lebowski fans

Via, Here's an essay Jeff Bridges wrote for the foreword to a new book on the Big Lebowski: Zen and the Art of Dudliness. If you're a fan of this movie reading this essay will make you like it even more.

Afternoon Movie Review: What Matters Most

I was really disappointed to flip to the Lifetime network today only to find I had missed all but 4 minutes of "Alone with a Stranger," described by my on-screen channel guide as: Willaim. R. Moses, Barbara Niven (2000) A woman holds identical twins at gunpoint while trying to determine which is her husband and which, his murderous brother. Myst./Susp. [TV-14) D, V [CC]. I turned it on just as the woman had to decide which identical twin not to shoot. The scruffy one ultimately saved himself by saying, 'It's like Lindsey said, 'It's broken, Mommy.'"

Maybe it was the disappointment of missing this gem, or perhaps there is some truth at the only intelligent thing National Enquirer EIC David Perel told me, "Lifetime is like crack for women," but I was soon sucked into the next feature: "What Matters Most."

This movie stars My Two Dads' Chad Lowe as a high school basketball player who gets a girl from the wrong side of the tracks pregnant. But they really love each other! You can tell because Chad's character, Lucas, plays the guitar for the girl. She says:"Lucas, you wrote that? It is sooo beautiful." And he replies: "My daddy don't think so."

To be exact, his daddy said (and I quote): "If you think I'm gonna let you go off to college to play the gee-tar like some homo hippie fag, you gotta 'nother thing coming. You're gonna have my grandchillin' and marry some girl, you hear me?"

After the Dad beats Lucas several times and Lucas and his girl have a Zack-and-Kelly's-prom moment and do some bubble-blowing, the young lady (who also happens to be a genius who works at a diner), confesses her news and Lucas proposes.

OK, so at this point I'm about to change the channel, but then Lifetime took ahold of me as~Shock!~in an Everwoodesque plot twist, Lucas gets hurt at a BB-ball game and goes into a coma.

When he awakes, he is unchanged except he walks with a crutch and talks like he has a giant jawbreaker in his mouth. Oh, and he has a baby his father is refusing to admit is his. The movie takes several completely weird and therefore unexpected turns as Lucas tries to kill himself, yells "don't loooook at meeee!" a few times (ok, that was expected), tells his parents he's going to marry the girl they want him to (I guess parents in the South are real keen on their kids getting married at 18), then there's a little switcheroo at the altar and the baby mama marries him instead. You see, it was all a ploy to get around the father's psychotic classism.

At the end of the movie, the Dad that had been beating his son for trying to call the mother of his child and so forth has the baby on his lap and is cooing, "Who's the greatest Grandpa?" And we all learn that it's OK if you brutally beat your child, as long as you allow your wife to drag you away from the wedding procession your crippled son just sprung on you.

Crack, indeed.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I'm sorry, but I still love Tom Cruise

Say what you will about Tom Cruise: that he's a crazy freak, that he never deserved Nicole Kidman, that he champions the strangest religion in America (and that's including the polygamists), that he and Katie Holmes have some kind of arrangement that has nothing to do with falling in love, that "Cruise" was kind of a strange last name to pick for himself, that Suri might be an alien...And you'd be right. But there's still something about him that's strangely compelling. You want to watch him on TV appearances, because he's totally fake but he's playing "Charming Movie Star" better than he ever has.

At this point maybe I should confess that in high school, I had a bit of a thing for Tom. I was on a quest to watch every Tom Cruise movie possible, and am slightly embarrassed to admit that there are fewer Tom Cruise movies I HAVEN'T seen than ones I have. My friends and I rewound and watched the "volleyball scene" from Top Gun over and over, and sneaked into Jerry Maguire by buying tickets for a movie that wasn't rated R (I'm sorry to say it was one of the most rebellious acts of my high school years). My obsession hit its peak when I went through all four years' worth of back issues of Entertainment Weekly I had stashed in my closet and cut out every single picture of Tom and made them into a giant collage, which I hung on my bedroom wall over my bed.

But before you write me off entirely, keep in mind that there are a lot of good Tom Cruise movies, and don't tell me that when you're flipping through the channels and see A Few Good Men, The Color of Money, Mission Impossible, or Interview with a Vamprie you don't stop to watch them. In fact, I bet you'd even watch Cocktail or Losin' It. Tom Cruise brought us the Pervvy Frank T.J. Mackey in Magnolia; he's still what a lot of people think of when they think of amputee veterans; and he gave us all of the idea to use an autistic person to count cards in Vegas.

But Tom's real contribution to the landscape of American cinema is that he is the embodiment--if the not the very creator--of an American ideal we may not realize we have: being cocky is acceptable, even likable, as long as you are a handsome guy with heart. Whether it's a cocky fighter pilot, a cocky lawyer going up against Jack Nicholson, or a cocky, scrappy Irishman trying to fight his way into a enough cash to make it Out West, we find ourselves rooting for him over and over again. Cocky teenager who turns his parents' home into a whorehouse when they're on vacation? Awesome! Cocky sports agent who wins the heart of a single mom? I know I should be cringing but I'm tearing up instead. Cocky Upper East Side doctor who gets caught in a web of sexual desire? You know you want to stick around to see that orgy scene.

Maybe where Tom went wrong in his real life is trying too hard NOT to be cocky. Because it's the attempted earnestness that turns everyone off. If instead of jumping up and down on Oprah's couch proclaiming "I love her!" he simply said, "Katie Holmes is a hottie, my religion may be weird but so is Christianity, I'm an Oscar winner, and p.s., I'm rich, bitches, so shut the hell up," THEN flashed that movie star grin, we'd fall for him the same way Charlie does in Top Gun.

But even if that doesn't happen, I'm still with ya, Tom. If things don't work out with Katie you just give me a call and I'd be happy to live in your mansion and have your babies. Just as long as Nicole doesn't mind.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

You had me at "part-time dad juggling his wild L.A. lifestyle"

I just read the description for the new David Duchovney show:

Bachelor Hank Moody's (David Duchovny) got it made: he's a sexy best-selling author who's irresistible to the ladies. But as a part-time dad juggling his wild L.A. lifestyle with grown-up responsibilities, this say-anything writer's at a loss for words. This smart Showtime comedy also stars Natascha McElhone (as Hank's ex-girlfriend), Madeleine Martin (as Becca, his 13-year-old daughter), Madeline Zima and Evan Handler.

Am I just a sucker for good ad copy? Or is it that the name of the show, Californication, reminds me of how tight David Duchovny's pants were in the 1993 film Kalifornia (um, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, of course)? Because I really want to see this show, and since it's going to be on after Weeds, it almost makes me want to pay the outrageous sum to get Showtime.

I do have some questions, though:
1) How much do you wanna bet that Evan Handler (who you may know as Charlotte's bald husband from Sex in the City) plays his "wild" best friend?
2) How much you wanna bet that his interpretation of this role comes nowhere close to Johnny V's brillance in "Scott Baio is 45 and Single"? (to be fair, Johnny V is not acting. You can't make that kind of assholery up).
3) Do you think Showtime tapped DD to do this show because they loved working with him such much on The Red Shoe Diaries?
4) Will Minnie Driver be making a guest appearance? Her and DD had so much chemistry in that monkey heart movie.
5) If I subscribe to Showtime, will it just be a slippery slope, whereupon I will soon find myself with HBO, Encore, and a DVR?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

In case you're really bored....

I've added some of my favorite videos from youtube at the bottom of this page. It's like having me in your living room, flipping through the channels, except you won't have anyone mooching off your drugs and booze. Enjoy!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Better than Esteban

My favorite alien expert, veep, and developer of homegrown kitchen hints, Bruce Lubin, presented on HSN tonight.

Running commentary via text message between my friend and me:

are you watching? where the hell is bruce lubin.

Ooh thanks for reminding. Finding it now.

This is painful. I don't think blubin's been on yet

Totally painful.

I would never buy an air purifier from that lady, she just declared kool & tG never cooler

Who is this wingnut?

not bruce lubin that's for sure

[Bruce appears and we watch for his 10 minutes, mesmerized by his performance.]

Was he holding his blackberry?

He was. He is on the dvr for my housewarming party.

3500 sold! Should I stick around for the purse party?

No! Run away!

Buy Bruce's book of amazing tips he and his loving wife have been developing for years here.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Movies My Mother and I Both Rated Five Stars on Netflix

Billy Elliot
Body Heat
ET: Theatrical Rerelease Version
Back to the Futures I and II
The English Patient
First Knight
Waiting for Guffman
Citizen Kane
Arrested Development (seasons 1–3)
Far from Heaven
Being John Malkovich
David Bowie: The Best of Bowie

Movie We Both Rated 4 Stars

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Does anyone else have iPhone fever?

More importantly, does anyone else think David Pogue is adorable in this iPhone video?

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Bulge that Started It All

This is what happened:
Awhile back I posted about a British documentarian that looked like Mo Rocca.
Then I wrote about the episode of The Shield where Shane goes undercover as a cock fighter.
Then I added a link to a TMZ photo gallery of celebrity bulges.

And then, someone googled "mo rocca cock bulge" and my page came up. It was my best google hit ever.

So I wrote about it, and ever since then, Anterias has turned up as gay men and straight women google the bulges of their favorite actors. I've gotten Kevin Costner cock bulge, and, much to my delight, Michael Chiklis cock bulge no less than 4 times (though it may be the same person googling it over and over).

I wish I had a photo of either of these bulges, which, truth be told, are probably worth seeing if you're bored and horny and hanging out on the internet. But according to the Celebrity Nudity Database, which, I'm not even joking here, I discovered while doing legitimate research for my job one day, you'd have to go rent No Way Out and be fast with the pause button to Kevin's man parts pressing against his pants. And Michael Chiklis isn't even listed!

What I DO have is the kitty strangling scene from The Shield. And who doesn't want to see that?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Afternoon Movie Review: Project X

Project X is not only one of the best movies ever made, but may be THE best movie to stumble upon on a weekend afternoon when paging through your Optimum Online Channel Guide (or what-have-you). For the uninitiated, Project X is a 1987 film starring Matthew Broderick fresh of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Helen Hunt fresh off of Girls Just Want to Have Fun (If they ever get together for lunch with SJP, can some pap PLEASE photograph it? I want to hang it on my wall). Not only does it star these fine actors, it as stars the greatest monkey cast ever assembled.

I have many favorite parts of this movie, which centers around monkeys in an Air Force experiment who are being taught to fly airplanes by a cigarette-smoking Broderick, but the part that really means a lot to me personally is when MB throws his bomber jacket over a barbed wire fence to make it more safe for the monkeys, who are escaping the compound, to jump over. It was this very scene that gave me the confidence to drunkenly throw a jean jacket and a sweater over the coils of barbed wire on top of the fence behind my apartment when I was breaking in at 3 in the morning last fall.

Because this was filmed in the days before you could just CGI a smile onto a monkey, all of the delicate emotions of the chimps had to be achieved with brilliant camerawork (i.e., the slow zoom-in) and a little “African-themed” music in the background (by none other than Oscar-winning composer James Horner). The movie has at least 10 monkeys in it, and they all have separate personalities, like the monkey who blows raspberries and the monkey who makes monkey faces.

It’s worth it to try to catch this movie from the beginning, in which you will be treated not only to some of its most heart-warming moments like Helen Hunt teaching Virgil the Monkey sign language, but also to a bit part by 24’s Jean Smart. When she has to break the news to Helen that the monkey she’s been dressing in polo shirts for the past 3 years (condensed into 15 min in the movie) has to be given away, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t tear up a little bit.

And when those monkeys fly away in the plane at the end, I challenge you not to do the same.

P.S. I would like to thank the Fox Movie Channel for not only airing this movie without commercial interruption, but airing it unedited. It had been years since I’d heard the controversial line that brings Jimmy and Teri together: “Your ass is nailed to the wall!”

Monday, June 04, 2007

There's nothing I can say about Paris going to jail...

because Richard Simmons has said it all for me.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Dear Anonymous Williamsburg Hipster,

Against my better judgment I visited your neighborhood this weekend. As my friend and I left the newest cool bar there, my friend asked you where the best place to get a car was in the area.
"Where are you going?" you asked quizzically.
"Kensington," I said.
"Kensington?" you asked, as if I had just named a town on Long Island. "Where is that?"
"On the south side of The Park," I replied haughtily.
"McCarren Park?" You asked.

This video is for you: Stimulatin' Kensington. Get your ass off the L and G trains.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Which one of these men will play Howard K. Stern in the TV movie?

If you can't decide, you're in luck: they're all Chris Devlin, who will be portraying Howard K. in The Anna Nicole Story. He did tell TMZ that he imagines Howard's time with Anna was like "being in a hot tub full of whip cream -- on the Titianic." (Is that spelling mistake on purpose? Titty-anic?" Wow.)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Why Michael Chiklis is hot.

Just banish all memories of The Commish and watch this scene from The Shield where Vic gets it on with a Domestic Violence–Shelter Runner (what was her name again?).

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I try to oblige

Since someone recently found my blog by typing "mo rocca cock bulge" into google, I thought I would try to give the reader(s) what she (they) want. This is the best I could find. It's kind of hard to tell, because he's wearing white pants, but I think if you hold your face close enough to the screen you can see it. Enjoy!

"arrrgg! I'mmm gotta get'cha! ahhh ha ha!"

Since all of you seemed to love that post about Brooklyn in the summer, I thought you'd like to know that I can hear outside my window, some dad chasing his little girl around much to her delight. She's shrieking and laughing, and he is making noises like a pirate.

Saturday, May 19, 2007


Dear Readers,

Perhaps you've seen the advertisements on the Lifetime network for 3 nights of the movie Sweet Home Alabama. "Reese Witherspoon is marrying McDreamy!" it proclaims. This sounds promising. Could be good, you think. That Patrick Dempsey is awful handsome, and Reese is so cute.

That's what I thought, and I watched this movie in its entirety, waiting and waiting for even one scene I could enjoy. But it's bad. It's so bad I rated it only one star ("I Hated It") on netflix, a rating shared only with What Women Want, Batman & Robin, Rocky V, Coyote Ugly, American Pie 2, and Little Man (another movie I was forced to watch on the bus to Boston). Patrick Dempsey doesn't even get the girl at the end. And Reese as at her most annoying. The only good reason to watch this movie is if you've seen that Johnny Cash movie, so you can marvel at what a better actress Reese is now than when she first started out. Because she (and Dempsey, for that matter) are both horrible is this boring, unheartfelt film filled with every stereotype in the book.

I know it's raining out, but stay away from Lifetime people, for your own good.