Friday, September 22, 2006

Crappy Writing

So, I’ve been freelancing, doing manuscript evaluation for a self-publisher. (That is, people fork over big bucks so they can convince themselves they have a speck of talent or cultural significance, because they’ve been published). Can you guess which of the following sentences were NOT in one of the manuscripts I’ve read thus far?

1. His mother tugged on the cord connecting them like it was a line to a fish, rolling him over wavelets and troughs as hand over hand, she fetched him to her, the placenta floating and flaring like a jellyfish.
2. But time is always an uncertain ally and takes usually the side of the powerful while abandons the ones who are lazy.
3. “You’ll know me by my red hat, and my enormous jugs,” she told him.
4. These gladiators took time for prayer, and with a slap on the back and a few manly hugs, this small group moved back indoors for final preparations.

answer: #3 never appeared in a manuscript. It’s just what I say to guys on our first date.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Hooray Patrick Dempsey

In honor of tonight's season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, here is a hott photo of P.D. I've missed you, Cupcake!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

How to spend your time (and save money!) at the Port Authority

Entertain everyone else in line by trying to perfect this free soda scheme!
Though the video on this is pretty blurry, the boy explaining the trick is really cute, especially since he calls it pop rather than soda.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The "CW": Dawn of a New Era

I couldn’t help but feel it was the beginning of a new era as I was (accidentally) on hand to witness the changing of the guard as the WB 11 turned into the CW 11 last night at 10:00 p.m.

The changing from upn9 to My9 happened stealthily, in the night, so no one would notice channel 9’s humiliation and not getting the honor of being the CW affiliate. But channel 11 was going to let everyone know: we’re not just the lowest-rated network anymore. We’re a combo of the lowest rated and the second-lowest rated!

To kick off the new network, a perky blonde wearing a green suit (CW’s colors) was on hand to tell us all about the exciting new programming we’ll be seeing on the CW in the coming weeks. No longer will we have to miss good shows on upn because we were too busy with our eyes glued to the WB, she told us, without a trace of irony. Yes, it’s true: Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars will now be annoying us from the same network (wait, we’re they always?) and for you African-Americans, you’ll have your very own night—Sunday—to enjoy Everybody Hates Chris AND Girlfriends, back to back.

This is truly an exciting era in television history. Sure, a little tear came to my eye after the encore airing of the first episode of Dawson’s Creek, and that creepy top-hatted cartoon frog took a bow, but the CW is going to leave me FREE TO BE!
(photos of CW11 cake and “the WB frog says its goodbyes” from

Friday, September 15, 2006

Always Ride Twice (boobs involved)

While doing some research for a book as requested by my boss, I stumbled across this little tidbit: if you’re riding Splash Mountain in Disneyworld, if you’d like to ride the ride again without having to wait in line, simply have a female companion flash the camera as you’re going down the waterfall. Then, when your souvenir photo doesn’t show up at the spend-money-here booth at the end of the ride, explain to a Disney employee how much you wanted that photo, and they’ll take you to the front of the line and let you ride again. Then, of course, change your mind about the photo later.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Five Reasons Why I Love Ted Kennedy

1. he’s all like, fuck all y’alls, my brothers were assassinated. so what’re ya gonna say to me? huh? BRING IT ON!
1.5 he’s one of the only senators to endorse same-sex marriage
2. While I was in college some fellow students were shooting a film on Comm Ave and he happened to walk by or something. They were like, "hey, will you be in our student film?" and he was like, "uh, sure!" and he was.
3. the guy clearly knows how to party (just don’t get in a car with him)
4. he wears suspenders
5. he taught me that “Ted” can be short for “Edward.”

p.s. look how cute he was pre-bloating!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

24: Good or Evil?

As some of you may know, I started watching 24 last season because everyone else watched it, only to stop at “nine p.m.” to finish my tenure with Everwood. When I realized Season 5 wasn’t coming out on DVD anytime soon, I turned to Season 1, only to find out that 24 is my new drug.

I was getting the DVDs from netflix, but they just weren’t coming fast enough. I’d watch all four episodes in a sitting, then pace around my apartment for the next two days waiting for the next disc. Over Labor Day weekend I downloaded 4 episodes off of iTunes, then, finally, drunkenly stumbled over to a friend’s house at 1 a.m. to download the rest off her computer because I couldn't stand the thought of going to bed without hearing Jack's insistant whisper/gun shots beforehand. But here’s what you may not know/remember: I don’t have a computer. So I was watching all this on my tiny video ipod. Here’s what it looked like:

My eyes started to dry out and I had to start putting eye drops in. My ears hurt from having headphones wedged in them for so long. But just to see Jack Bauer run around and save the day was worth it. I just wish he had to take his shirt off more. Now my question is, do I go on to Season 2? Or is my addiction too dangerous?

Monday, September 11, 2006

Weeds Season 2 on iTunes: finally an answer

I just want you to know that I went to great lengths to find out when Season 2 of Weeds is going to be on iTunes. I even made myself susceptible to years of junk email by signing up with just so I could email a question to a Customer Service Representative [don't you just love that title? I especially love it when someone's on a reality show and it says JULIE, Customer Service Representative. It's like, no wonder she's got the time to go find out if she's this dude's soulmate!]
ANYWAY, I finally got a response back! Here's what Showtime had to say regarding my query.

Dear Customer,

I have no information on that yet.

However, we are aware of the public's growing interest in watching their favorite television programs on itunes, and we are taking that into great consideration.

I will forward your question and comments to programming.


Showtime Customer Service

Um, so, I guess the mystery's not quite solved yet.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Because I know you want to know what I think about Suri Cruise

So, the photos of Suri Cruise finally came out (22 pages-worth in Vanity Fair). Ever since he got divorced from Nicole, I’ve always thought of Tom as one of those exboyfriends who goes so crazy after you break up that you can’t even remember what he was like while you were dating. Maybe this is because, at one point in my young life, my goal was to watch every Tom Cruise movie ever made, from Losin’ It to Jerry Maguire. My friends and I rewound the “volleyball scene” in Top Gun and watched it over and over in slo-mo. I even made a Tom Cruise collage, with more than 30 photos of Tom, which I wish I still had so I could sell it to some kitsch-lover on ebay.

Anyway, I have to say, with all the photos of the bewitching, hairy child and the adoring gazes, not to mention “Kate” Holmes being all like, “the media was mean to my child!” I almost believe that they aren’t scary cult-members who will never make a good movie again.