Afternoon Movie Review: First Knight

I'm sure you've all seen at least a small bit of First Knight at one time or another. It's that movie where Sean Connery plays King Arthur and Richard Gere is Lancelot? It also falls into the category of the perfect Afternoon Movie, one that I would never rent or buy but when it's on The Superstation on a Saturday afternoon I will sit and watch it from beginning to end.

Of course, what I'm doing throughout most of the movie (besides fucking around on myspace and eating lunch) is wishing that I had Richard Gere and Sean Connery fighting over my love. If two guys ever loved me at the same time, they'd probably be more like the guy whose red stapler keeps getting stolen in Office Space and Horned-Rimmed Glasses on Heroes. And I don't think either of those guys would be positioning forest leaves in a pattern so that the rain will drip from one to the next and then into my mouth, or proclaiming "Camelot is yours!" Sigh.

Now I'm not saying I don't totally secretly adore this movie, but unfortunately it really hasn't stood the test of time, thanks to American's favorite racist's elaborately staged war scenes in Braveheart, the Patriot, and Lord of the Rings (he directed that, right?). The ones in this movie look so unimpressive you're just like, yeah, whatever, the American Gigolo just jumped off his horse and now he's shoving a sword into someone, blah blah blah. Also, enough with the elongated facial close-ups, Director Jerry Zucker. I mean, I know your last movie before First Knight was Ghost, but c'mon, Goldfinger was a good movie because Connery was running around shooting people, not because we kept looking as his hurt look every time Pussy Galore made a cutting remark.

But seriously, this is one of those movies that's perfect for killing time...the type of movie they should show on the bus to Boston (NOT City Slickers 2: The Search for the Golden Curls, which I was forced to watch last time. Peter Pan Buslines, WTF?!). If you've never seen it, sit down with a bag of Doritos and a desire to put off your weekend chores and enjoy.