Jeff: I think I love you

I've been thinking a lot about Jeff VanVonderen lately. You may recognize him from A&E's popular reality show INTERVENTION, where you can watch real live people doing crack and chugging beer on their way to work. At some point during each episode, a professional interventionist comes in and instructs the family on how to properly confront their loved one about his or her addiction. FYI to my loved ones, if I ever become addicted to something, I want Jeff! Don't be getting Candy what's-her-face or that self-serving Dr. Tara. Jeff will sit up with you all night talking about how I've wrecked your life and what you're gonna do about it, then sit me down and sternly make me watch my mother cry until I agree to go to a some kind of drying out center in Alabama.

It doesn't even bother me that Jeff's a big Christian, because he's done a lot of work about abuses of power in the church. I know because I watched a 10-minute video lecture he did on the subject (thanks google video!), back when his hair was bushy and brown and he had a beard. The one thing that does bother me about Jeff is that I don't think he's probably a very good lover. He's too results-orientated, and he doesn't seem particularly in touch with his own body. Anyhoo, none of that matters when you're dying for your next fix and you're sitting on a couch surrounded by your extended family and a mass of video cameras in a non-smoking hotel room and Jeff VanVonderen has just shaken your hand. Because at this point, the most you can hope for is some painfully sober halfway house sex.