If you're a good American, you will know all the words to this song

Lloyd Dobbler

I know you like 'em young

Blow-by-Blow of The Bachelor premiere - because you know you want it.

9:58 – I just switched over from 24, which topped a dreadfully boring first half with an awesome Bauer Power half-Hour. The show started 15 minutes early, but I’ve missed nothing. The ladies are meeting the Bachelor one by one. I’m sure each one has tried her hardest to say something to make him remember her, but already all these Product Managers, Customer Service Representatives, Teachers, and Texans look exactly the same.

10:01 – Ah damn. The first impression rose is still sitting on the golden patter! I’m sure we’ll know when he meets the special lady because the music will change. This guy is way hotter than last year’s bachelor. And he just said his brother got married at the Art Institute of Chicago, so clearly he’s loaded.

10:07 – ew, this one gave him a fortune from a fortune cookie to try to make herself stick out. He’s just gonna pick the HOTTEST ones this round, dummy!

10:08 – Stephanie from South Carolina, who has the globeyist breasts and the most perfectly flowing hair just got the rose. But surprise! She’s an “organ donor coordinator,” whatever the hell that means. I think it means she checked a box on the back of her driver’s license.

10:09 – This woman just asked where his uniform is. He laughed at her, because he’s never seen two seconds of combat.

10:19 – “We’re gonna have a lot of fun,” says Andy. And what he means is, “Let’s get wwaaaasted.”

10:20 – Andy reveals he used to teach Sunday school. barf.

10:21 – Amanda from Texas plays the “I feel bad for you for the decision you have to make!” card, then throws in that she traveled outside the U.S. so he thinks she’s worldly.

10:22 – Linda’s gonna get cut, even though she’s a lawyer. No, it’s not because she just COMPLETELY misused the word ironic. It’s because she’s the oldest, and she has bug eyes.

10:23 – Holy crap. Fortune cookie woman is NOT serenading Andy with the Star-Spangled Banner.

10:24 – Holy FUCKING crap. Andy just wiped a tear. He WIPED A TEAR, people. He loves his war-mongering country so much!

10:30 – Danielle L., who has the longest VCL (Visible Cleavage Line), makes an awkward segue to announce that her college bf died. Andy fakes pity. Not that I've seen every season, but I think he has the fakest facial expressions of any bachelor thus far. And can you blame him? He has to make small talk with 25 of the most attention-seeking women in America.

10:31 – Lindsay becomes the first to start trash-talking another contestant. Way to be classy, Lindsay, way to be classy.

10:33 – Blakeney (Blakeney? Are they kidding? She must have made that up), with crossed eyes, announces that Andy is cute as a button and falls on her ass. Lindsay laughes, tries to start sumpthin’

10:35 – Andy completely misuses the word ironic. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUCEMENT: “Ironic” does not mean strange, weird, coincidental, or interesting. I thought everybody knew this already.

10:36 – When THE BACHELOR continues, Andy “will face the hardest decision of his life.” Um, if the hardest decision of his life is which of 25 girls he’s going to only give one hour of fame, the dude’s doing ok. I use the commercial break to do some internet research. On Andy’s official myspace page you can see a horrible slideshow that commingles photos of him putting band aids on children in Laos with stock photos of large insects and troubled natives. Hey, don’t poke that kid in the eye!


10:40 – It’s Andy’s birthday! And some girls are making cake! And they used tequila rather than eggs!

10:41 – Linda and Andy do push-ups together. Ironically.

10:42 – Stephanie just did the worm, then some backflips. Clearly she deserved that rose. Oh wait, different Stephanie.

10:49 – The rose ceremony. “Ladies, you’re beautiful, accomplished…blah blah blah.” I hope he chooses Lindsay, because she’s psycho, and Blakeney, because she can’t hold her liquor and her fake name is sure to exposed.

10:50 – Lindsay is sooo pissed he’s chosen 4 girls and not her yet

10:51 – Confession: I’ve been blogging about this all episode, and I only recognize one of the girls who’s been chosen so far.

10:52 – Bug Eyes looks worried. Lindsay’s still totally pissed. That’s the way to get him to pick you, honey.

10:53 – Tina, the Star-Spangled Banner chick, gets chosen. One woman tries hard not to roll her eyes.

10:54 – And the other Stephanie gets the final rose. Lindsay storms off while the other girls try not to cry. They all succeed, except for Lindsay, who also has the mouth of a trucker. “I don’t give a [bleep] and I want to [bleep] go home! He’s short and his teeth look fake!” [tear wipe, tear wipe] ouch.

10:55 – The end-of-first-episode champagne toast.

Well people, let me know if you would like more recaps of the Bachelor. And if you don’t, I will probably provide you with them anyway. It’s gonna be a good season. I can tell from the “Coming up on the Bachelor” montage at the end of the episode, which is set to the tune of “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong”—hot cars, Andy takes his shirt off, making out, more crying, a waterfall, a visit by the paramedics, and more commercials for the U.S. military than you can imagine.

I'm such a sucker

I'd like to tell you that after viewing another disappointing episode of 24 tonight, I will turn the tv off, and read a good book, empty the litter box, write a letter, or um...do some scrapbooking. Or even watch a quality program on my new cable or watch some of my favorite kiefer montages on youtube. But sadly, what I will really do is watch the season premiere of The Bachelor, because I can't get enough of desperate, unintelligent women with fake boobs and too much make-up vie for the attention of a boring, yet superficially "perfect" man. Dude, one of them makes him a cake out of TEQUILA tonight. I might have to live blog the entire experience.

Afternoon Movie Review: The Bodyguard

There are some movies you don't rent, you don't buy, you don't even think, "gee, I'd like to see that." But then they come on TV on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and you sit in your sweatpants a d watch them in their entirety. You know the ones I'm talking about: Ghost, Three Men and a Baby, Happy Gilmore. Kevin Costner stars in a lot of these movies, like Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and the subject of today's Afternoon Movie Review: The Bodyguard.

The Bodyguard follows a perfect Afternoon Movie plotline. Man meets woman and they don't like each other; Woman realizes man secretly has a hard-on for her; Woman unsheaves man's sword (in this case, the silk-cutting samurai kind); Man decides their night of passion can never happen again and woman gets pissed; Man decides he's leaving but gets drawn back because of a sense of duty; Man saves woman; woman stops plane and runs out and kisses him; brief "5 years later" scene; the credits roll in about 3.5 seconds so the network can cram more ads in.

Kevin Costner is perfect in this role. He's the unassuming guy who you tell yourself you don't think is hot but really you're totally willing to sit around to wait for him to get laid. And there's no denying this is Whitney Houston's best role ever. The movie even has the "creepy, almost albino-looking" character, and the hardened-man-is-actually-quite-good-with-kids theme. The only thing that could have made this movie better was a little more making out (only three scenes in the entire 2 hours), a tad more hand-to-hand combat (who doesn't want to see Kevvy punching someone out in the name of love?), and a scene where someone gets drunk and confesses something.

The best part about The Bodyguard was that it kept me from vacuuming. Now that it is over I will start the productive part of my day, sucking up cat hair and thinking about becoming famous so I can hire a sturdy man with a gun to protect me.

Ah, the PO

Here's a post on gothamist of a guy freaking out at my local post office. I went there once and never returned. Now you can see why. I think this clip really embodies the spirit of NYC. At first everyone is kind of freaked out, and then they start laughing.

I'm Back and More Interesting than Ever

It finally happened. I bought a computer. And subsequently purchased the internet and cable, and now I never have to leave my home.
The great thing about a new mac is that it comes with a camera. There are a lot of things you can do with the camera, like have a video conference or take pictures of your boobs and put them online. I, however, have just taken a million pictures of myself...in front of the computer.
Now that I've enabled myself, expect a lot more posting, a mini-revamp of the site, and of course, more photos of yours truly

Johnny Five needs your help

Where have I been, you ask? I've been wasting all my freetime at mancrush.com, the site whose goal is to rate every man in history (fictional and not) based on how much hetero men are infatuated with them. For some reason watching Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and Harrison Ford battle it out (Harrison is way behind, probably because of Calista Flockhart) has totally captivated me. The best part is that you can nominate your own guys, and my guy needs your help.

That's right, Johnny Five is currently number 794 in the polls, under Dick Clark, Rush Limbaugh, and Moe the Bartender from the Simpsons. I urge all 3 of you who read this blog to go vote for him! If that bandana doesn't turn you on, what does, people?

On Anna Nicole

When the news of Anna Nicole’s unfortunate demise hit the bandwidths yesterday, it was a reminder to me of one of the greatest things the internet has done: keep those of us locked in an office all day in the loop (the other thing that reminds me of this is that people who work in ari-conditioned offices are way more likely to know what the high temperature for the day is supposed to be).
The first thing that happened was that my cubicle-neighbor overheard people in the cubicles on the other side of her talking about it. She told me, and while I tried to access the CBS News link on gawker, I got an email from another coworker saying Anna Nicole had died. I forwarded that to a third coworker, who emailed back saying, “I know! I just heard!” I was on my way to a meeting, and shortly after showing up someone walked into the office we were in and said, “Did you hear about Anna Nicole dying?” Which prompted a long discussion. Then the office-dweller and I got on speakerphone with a designer, who, halfway into the conversation said, “hold on, Anna Nicole Smith just died!” After that someone else came into the office to tell us the news, and when I got back to my desk I had another email about it.
So why all the fuss? Sure, it’s sad, but what is it about the giggly, trashy, beautiful, fake-boobed, rich celebrity that makes her death more noteworthy to my office than any news event of recent memory?
I couldn’t figure it out until I called a friend this morning and she said, “I just found out Anna Nicole Smith died, and I’m kind of bummed.” (She works at a recording studio, where I guess people don’t sit in front of the internet and gossip all day.) I told her about the commotion at my office and asked her what she thought, and she hit the nail right on the head.
People (Americans especially) loved Anna Nicole because she triumphed over adversity. Sure she married a rich, old man just for his money, but when her stepson tried to take that money away, what did she do? She didn’t just go back to her trailer and slip into obscurity until appearing in an episode of COPS. She got even bigger boobs and took them all the way to the Supreme Fucking Court. She got a reality show before every star had one, and she never once apologized for being inappropriate, having a shitload of cash, or making out with Margaret Cho. And when she got pregnant, who didn’t secretly love the fact that she went and told whoever would be the best baby daddy that it was his kid? And who, if they had the means, wouldn’t want to just run off and stay in the Bahamas when this tactic got challenged? And after the tragic death of your son, who wouldn’t want to go have a non-legally binding commitment ceremony with a man who clearly worships you?
What my friend said was, “People wanted to see Anna Nicole triumph again.” Why? Because whether we like it or not, just like Marilyn Monroe (whom she was famous for parodying), Anna Nicole was a true American icon. And I like to think that she knew it.

Pizzarolling

It's probably because I'm craving childhood, but what I wouldn't give for the sound of cheesy goodness escaping the confines of its crusty shell and sizzling on the baking sheet below it. As a child, I wasn't aloud to stick my hands in the oven (a good rule, I think), so I would monitor the pizza rolls carefully, then yell "Mom!!!! They're oozing, they're oozing!!" and she would come into the kitchen and take them out for me. Mom was always good like that—she'd come wipe my butt when I called, too.
So until I find some pizza rolls (and I'm not talking about those newfangled "chicken enchilada" kinds), I'll just have to make due with the most comprehensive pizza roll review I've ever seen (I can only imagine what part two is going to be like!)