Fabio's Kitchen of Love
This really made me think I should have my super come up and fix my oven.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
My juicy personal life
Today I recieved an email:
I think your blog would benefit from some juicy personal stories or fantasies or regular updates about how you're not getting "super" sex. Let me know if you're open to these kinds of things, because I want to be amused. Amused on a daily basis.
The "super" sex, of course, being a reference to the strangely attractive Eastern Europen Super of my building. And no, we're not doing it. But he did give me a fan yesterday. A dirty, dirty fan. (And I taught him the word "oscillate")
Unfortunately my life is just not that interesting. Like today, the best thing I did was go and put funny pictures next to the address book listings of business contacts I don't like, like this monkey one. Also, my weekly TV Guide came. We get them free at the office. Apparently Marcia Cross met her husband at a flower shop shortly after having lunch with Lori Loughlin. File that one under "information I am stupider for knowing."
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Publishing industry news!
Every day my company sends around a word document of every mention of our company's name in the media for the previous day (one time we were a Jeopardy! clue!). They also include a section on industry news, normally contains info like "profits were down at Random House" or "amazon.com is releasing a new feature" or whatever. Today it contained this nugget:
I love this--that the death of fictional characters is "industry news." Thank you, Harry Potter, you are keeping me and tons of other people in the book biz employed.
Industry
06/26/06 The Washington Post.com (Reuters)
“Children’s author J.K. Rowling has revealed that at least two characters will die in the seventh and final installment of her bestselling ‘Harry Potter’ series, but was careful not to say who. Children and adults are expected to rush and buy the final ‘Harry Potter’ novel in the tens of millions when it is complete, and if the publication of the sixth book is anything to go by, secrecy surrounding the plot will be tight.”
I love this--that the death of fictional characters is "industry news." Thank you, Harry Potter, you are keeping me and tons of other people in the book biz employed.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Editor's note: wiggle vs. wriggle
Today I learned the difference between "wiggle" and "wriggle." Interestingly, wiggle can mean wriggle but wriggle never means wiggle. Here are their verb forms from Webster's 10th:
wiggle
1: to move to and fro with quick jerky or shaking motions: JIGGLE
2: to proceed with or as if with twisting and turning movements: WRIGGLE
wriggle
1: to move the body or a bodily part to and fro with short writhing motions like a worm: SQUIRM
2: to move or advance by twisting and turning
wiggle
1: to move to and fro with quick jerky or shaking motions: JIGGLE
2: to proceed with or as if with twisting and turning movements: WRIGGLE
wriggle
1: to move the body or a bodily part to and fro with short writhing motions like a worm: SQUIRM
2: to move or advance by twisting and turning
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Branson, Federline, and the Penny
Gothamist: In Fed We Trust
This is totally ridiculous. I lost all respect for Richard Branson when he chose the annoying inventor of "Love Sac," a bean-bag chair, as the winner of his reality show. And of course I never had any respect for K-Fed. But now they're bringing down my respect for the penny, and that's just sad.
This is totally ridiculous. I lost all respect for Richard Branson when he chose the annoying inventor of "Love Sac," a bean-bag chair, as the winner of his reality show. And of course I never had any respect for K-Fed. But now they're bringing down my respect for the penny, and that's just sad.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Ultimate LAKE HOUSE quiz!
Over the weekend I saw the movie The Lake House. It's true; I did; and I'm not going to apologize for it, even though it was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. But for all you Keanu/Sandra fans, here is THE ULTIMATE LAKE HOUSE QUIZ! Try to see how many you can get right without having seen the movie.
True or False?
1. The Lake House is made entirely of glass.
2. Sandra describes herself as having “gentle, unguarded eyes.”
3. Keanu describes himself as having “wavy, untamed locks.”
4. One of Keanu’s many powers is planting a tree on a city sidewalk that quadruples in size in two years.
5. In a wink to their past, the characters reference the movie Speed by debating the merits of bus travel.
6. Much of the film takes place in Chicago, so every time the characters refer to the house “by the lake,” everyone assumes they’re talking about Lake Michigan.
7. Female doctors like Sandra are always lonely, because they have no time for love!
8. At some point, Keanu sneaks into Sandra’s apartment building as it is being built, figures out which apartment will be hers, and hides a copy of a Jane Austen novel under her floorboards.
9. When Keanu cries, it’s really embarrassing, both for him as an actor and for filmdom as a whole.
10. The person who wrote the screenplay for The Lake House is a Pulitzer Prize–winner.
Answers: t, t, f, t, f, f, t, t, t, t
One of the weirder internet ads I've seen
Alibaba is the largest B2B marketplace in the world. Source model ship, wooden puzzle, one-piece toilet, RC hovercraft, photo album, prom dress, pocket bike, Vaginal Speculum, Samurai Sword, String Panty and PVC Pipe.
I mean, I guess I get the prom dress/vaginal speculum connection, but RC hovercraft and Samurai sword?
I mean, I guess I get the prom dress/vaginal speculum connection, but RC hovercraft and Samurai sword?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Everwood Series finale recap
With the arrival of summer came the end of one of my guiltiest pleasures, Everwood. Back in February (March?) I gave up watching 24 to watch the rest of Everwood, and I regretted it until the season finale, which aired on June 5. It's just SO cheesy, SO perfect, that I can't help adoring its alternate reality. My partner in this guilty pleasure had to miss it, so below is the recap I sent her of the last episode. Anyway, since presumably I won't have much to say about TV in the next few months I figured I better squeeze this in now.
FOREVERWOOD (seriously, that was the title of the episode)
--Previously on Everwood: Irv died, Nina and Sam and Jake are moving to California, and Andy bought Nina an engagement ring “just in case” she decides to leave Jake at the last minute, but isn’t gonna give it to her unless she comes to him first. So at Irv’s funeral Ephram tells Nina about the ring. and she’s all, da-amn!--
The Brown residence: Dr. Andy Brown, Delia, Ephram, and Ephram’s new hot gf Stephanie are washing dishes, while Stephanie giggles at Andy’s jokes and talks to Delia about her upcoming bat mitzvah. Then Delia asks if Stephanie can come, because there will be extra seats since Nina and Sam won’t be there. Andy throws a fit and storms outside, where he begins trying to angrily stuff trash into the trash bin. Ephram confronts him about his totally whack feelings for Nina, and Andy’s like, “it’s all over, she’s moving to CA tomorrow. I lost.” major pity face.
Nina’s house: Hannah walks into the kitchen in a tight, unselfconsciously-boobalicious t-shirt. Nina is making major headway on the packing. Hannah is gonna throw out a foot massager, but Nina wants to keep it for sentimental value cuz Andy gave it to her. So Hannah’s all, “oh, you and Dr. Brown...mmmmhmmmm....I figured you two used to be all up in each other’s biznass.” (ok, she didn’t say it like that, but that was gist). And Nina’s all, “uh, no....do we have sexual tension or something?’ then she proceeds to give Hannah the whole run-down on the Andy situation—she loved him, then she didn’t, then he kissed her, then she moved in with Jake, then Andy bought her a ring...” Hannah jumps on the ring thing and is like, “so there’s a ring with your name on it and you don’t know what it looks like?” I smell mischief!!
Dr. Abbot’s office: Dr. Abbot is meeting with this schizo woman. She just had a baby with the brother-in-law from Weeds and then the guy from Weeds died. So she’s freaking out, and Harold’s all, it’s gonna be ok, your schizophrenia isn’t coming back, and she’s like, yeah it is, I can tell (kinda calmly, I might add). She’s like, Harold, you’re like a father to me! and he’s like, I know, and I’m like, huh? who is this woman and why is she so close to Harold all of a sudden?
The Bachelor Pad (minus Reid cuz he tried to commit suicide and then get with Amy and then moved out or something, I missed that episode): Ephram, Amy, and Bright are hangin’ out. Bright is trying to get everyone to go with him to buy a new TV. No one wants to go, so he leaves. Then Amy asks Ephram out to a movie, but he has plans with his new hispanic girlfriend. Amy is noticeably upset.
Jake’s office: Jake’s office is empty, and Harold is meticulously checking for smudges on the wall, etc. Finally he gives Jake back his security deposit, noting, “don’t spend it all on sun tan lotion!” they hug. then Harold leaves so Jake and Edna can have a moment. They do: Jake is sorry Irv is dead and Edna is proud of Jake for what he’s doin’. they hug & there’s tears in both of their eyes.
The Brown residence: Hannah and Nina have snuck in and are looking for the ring. Cue Everwood “mischief music.” “How can a guy have so many shoes?” Hannah asks “He’s from New York!” says Nina. I chuckle. They find the ring, but before they can open the box, Andy comes home. Hannah distracts him with some coco while Nina sneaks out the door.
Coffee Shop: Jake and Ephram run into each other at the coffee shop. Gee, are we gonna get every possible combo of people chatting it up, here? What’s happening to the coffee shop? ephram wants to know. oh, it’s being taken over by a manager or something. ok fine. Ephram tries to make some sort of comment to Jake about how it’s so sudden that Nina is leaving all the people who love her, and then Jake gives Ephram a “life is too short” speech (the speech literally ends with “life is too short, Ephram”) and tries to be all Dr. Andy Brown but fails miserably...but Ephram seems to fall for it! He looks thoughtfully into space as we go to, like, the fifth commercial already.
Amy’s bedroom (or maybe Hannah’s bedroom?): Amy is trying to get Hannah to tell her that she’s really not in love with Ephram (Amy, that is, not Hannah). Hannah goes, “I didn’t just fall off the pickle truck!” which I think means, I’m not falling for that shit. Hannah recounts the fight her and Amy had in case we missed that episode (we did.) Apparently her and Amy have a no-talking-about-Ephram agreement, which they now break. Amy decides that she really doesn’t love Ephram, and when she leaves, Hannah realizes that she still has Nina’s engagement ring box down her cleavage. oops!
The mall: Stephanie and Ephram are shopping at the mall for Delia’s bat mitzvah. Steph is all “you’re dad is sweet and funny and you guys have great snacks” and Ephram’s like, “no way” and I’m like, “yes way! I wish Dr. Andy Brown was my boyfriend’s dad!” then Ephram and Stephanie have a cute little moment and I’m like, oh, they’re cute (Ephram says “you’re blatantly using me for pudding” [wink wink, nudge nudge]), too bad Amy is gonna tear them apart by the end of this episode.
Then there’s a quick Abbott family dinner scene, of which I miss most because two seconds later Bright finds a baby on the doorstep!
That’s right. A freaking baby on the doorstep.
Return from commercial: the Abbots all gather around the baby, Harold reads the note with it, that’s like, I know the baby is better off with you guys, thanks, Kathy. Amy goes, “Who’s Kathy?” and I’m like, “EXACTLY!” uh-oh, Mrs. Abbott has a baby now, and she’s got that crazy look in her eye! She even declines to go to the bat mitzvah because she has to look after “Lilly.”
Nina’s house: Jake finds the ring in Hannah’s room, and goes down to warn Nina that Hannah is gonna marry Bright. Nina’s like, uhhh...actually...and tells Jake. Jake storms over to Andy’s house. Andy, as per usual, is all calm while Jake looks like he’s gonna cry. Andy’s all, “you won Jake, she chose you again.” And I think that Dr. Brown has outwitted Jake with his calm logic once again. But then Jake goes, “Well that’s what I don’t get, if she keeps choosing me why do I keep having this conversation with you?” damn.
Next day: Delia has horrible hair and a horrible dress and is rallying everyone to her bat mitzvah. As they’re leaving, Andy finds a note on the door, but leaves it inside without opening it. We are now treated to Everwood Series Finale Montage #1. Of course, because Everwood has zero budget, they can’t afford an actual song that anyone’s heard of. So it’s so terrible song with lyrics like, “Who we are.....’cause this is our life.....” etc. while we see the bat mitzvah and Nina and Jake at the airport. Then the music softens and Delia and Andy light a candle for the late Mrs. Brown and Delia gives a little speech about how she’ll always be a part of them. I tear up a little. *tear-up rating (on a scale of how much I teared up): 3 out of 5*
The Bat Mitzvah Afterparty: Stephanie and Ephram are sitting at a table with Amy, Bright, and a glasses-less Hannah. Steph and Eph are making out. But it’s this closed-lip, WB11-style make-out. totally gross. And Amy knows it. Ephram and Stephanie go off to dance, and then Amy starts freaking out about it, so Hannah and Bright go dance to get away from her. Amy pours herself another glass of wine. Go to it, girl.
It’s now about half-way through the finale, and it’s time for Jake to get the hell out of here. He breaks up with Nina at the last minute at the gate, in a scene that’s a total replay from ER season 1, when Dr. “Tag” Taglieri calls off his wedding to Nurse Carol because she doesn’t love him enough, totally paving the way for George Clooney to slip in during season 2. Jake and Nina, as is their nature, have a totally calm, understanding break-up scene where no one raises their voice. Jake thanks Nina for helping him find himself (*tear-up: 2 out of 5*), then kisses a sleeping Sam on the head and is gone for good.
Back at the Bat Mitzvah Afterparty, a drunken Amy talks Ephram into dancing with her (after congratulating Delia on her entrance into womanhood). They dance to a John Mayer-esque rip-off, and both have a meaningful look in their eyes.
Bright and Dad arrive home at the Abbott house. An exhausted Rose goes to bed. Bright’s all, “those Jews sure know how to party! Even though there were only like 4 of them there.” heh heh. I love Bright. Then Bright goes home because – woah – Hannah just moved into his old bedroom! before he goes, he’s like, um, what are you going to do about Mom and that baby? and Harold is like, “I don’t. Know.”
Cut to Hannah and Amy walking through the carnival (I guess the party was at the carnival? I don’t know). Amy says she’s going to puke, and Hannah’s like, yeah, that’s why we’re walking slowly. But instead of looking nasty, Amy looks all bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked, and she confesses she still loves Ephram. DUH!
Andy comes home to find Nina sitting in his dining room in the dark. She’s like, “I guess you don’t need to read this now” (talking about the card). Instead of taking her upstairs and screwing her brains out like he’s been waiting to do for years, Andy says he’ll set up Ephram’s room for her to stay in as long as she’d like.
Next morning: Stephanie is leaving the bachelor pad and Ephram is looking sexily rumpled in his jeans and t-shirt. they are being pretty cute as she says goodbye. Bright comes out and is like, nice one, you banged her, etc. and then Ephram admits they didn’t actually do the deed...they were drunk, wasn’t the right time, etc. Bright goes, “yeah, Lord knows she’s not hot enough!” (sarcasm). Then Ephram goes, hey, how’s your sister, she was pretty smashed, should I call her? and Bright goes, (I shit you not), “Oh, I get it. You danced with the devil—clouded your brain, clogged your drain.” And Ephram goes, “Don’t Rhyme!” haha. Then Bright convinces Ephram that Amy doesn’t like him anymore, and says one of the greatest lines in all of television: “You think there’s juice left in that box, and there isn’t!”
Edna’s house: Edna is packing up to move to Africa, and Harold is upset because he wants her to help look after his new baby, which apparently they are now going to have temporary custody over, and if “Kathy” never comes back they’ll just have regular custody without even having to adopt her. Funny how things always work out like that!
Amy, on advice from Hannah, decides she has to tell Ephram she’s totally hot for him. But first she meets Stephanie at the coffee shop to tell her she’s going to tell Ephram. Stephanie’s nice about it, but is basically like, yeah, whatever, we all know I’m hotter than you. Then later Amy has an awkward run-in with the happy couple at the movies. She compliments Ephram’s jacket and finds out Steph gave it to him!! akwwwarddd.......
Delia and Andy are driving through the snow-capped mountains of Colorado. Andy gives Delia the “you’re not a little girl anymore” speech, and then pulls into a stable, where Delia is introduced to “Sugar,” her new horse. She hugs Andy. *tear-up: 3 out of 5*
Very cute scene on the couch at Abbot’s house: Hannah is trying to figure out what college to go to: it’s between Notre Dame and Colorado A&M. She asks Bright’s advice. She reads off the pros and cons. Bright’s basically on both lists. damn. He doesn’t know what to tell her.
Andy is going out of town, but no one knows where. Harold pumps him for info at the office. Harold’s all, “It was you versus Dr. Boob Job and you won! why are you going out of town?” heh heh.
New York graveyard: Now Andy’s at Julia Brown’s tombstone. He’s having a grand old time, pontificating without the interruption of someone else trying to get a word in edgewise. He thanks Julia for showing him how to love, etc., and says he’s gonna ask Nina to marry him, etc. etc. Etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Tear-up: 1 out of 5 (it’s just not the same without the sudden dawn of understanding on the other person’s face).
Exterior of Edna’s house: Harold calls Edna out on her lying. Turns out she’s gonna ride around in an RV instead of go to Africa. Edna accuses Harold of causing a ruckus, then admits she’s “acting crazier than an outhouse rat.” She’s all freaking out cuz Irv is dead. They say stuff.
Bright and Hannah are hiking up a mountain, talking about college. Hannah still hasn’t decided. Bright tells her she should go to Notre Dame, because that’s what’s best for her, and he’s gonna be her “best friend for life.” They hug. Tear-up: 4 out of 5
Then, like, 3 scenes later, we see Hannah mailing the acceptance to Colorado A&M. god, I thought she was smarter than that!
Amy is all depressed at her house, just like the old days, and is talking to Rose. She says she can’t interfere with “Stephram.” hehe. She wants to win Ephram back, but feels like she needs to make a grand gesture. I mean, he is the guy that had his dad operate on her comatose boyfriend when he was in love with her, which Amy notes.
Then, as Amy lays back and thinks of Ephram, there is an awesome Amy/Ephram flashback montage where we can relive all of the greatest moments of their relationship! The song is much better. They are so cute, little high school Amy and Ephram, first kiss, first real kiss, he gave her a necklace, etc. etc. awww. Then she gets up and says to Rose, “I’ve got it! But I need your help....”
Edna comes over to the Abbot’s, and finds that Harold and Rose have made up a room for her. I’m like, this is how Rose is going to help win Ephram back? Then I realize it’s totally unrelated. Anyway, they’re like, please move in, we need your help with Lily and we love you, etc. Tear-up: 1 out of 5.
Second-to-last-scene: Andy is getting ready to go propose to Nina. He and Ephram have a father/son H2H (heart to heart) in which they both reveal how proud they are of each other and crap. Then Andy takes Nina out in front of their houses and tells her how much he loves her and stuff and gets down on one knee. Apparently Nina’s last name is Feeny. Who knew? He’s like, “I know you already saw the ring but...” and Nina’s like, “I never opened the box!” and Andy’s like, “oh, well then this makes this part more fun!” She says yes. Of course. (I guess she’s lucky Jake made that decision for her!) awww. Tear-up: 5 out of 5. I think I actually shed a tear.
Bachelor pad: Ephram is leaving a message on Stephanie’s machine telling her he’s running late. He puts on his jacket and runs out the door. There’s Amy, waiting for him, with a Ferris Wheel behind her. Apparently Former Mayor Abbott pulled some strings. Nice. Amy asks Ephram if he remembers the significance of the Ferris Wheel and he’s like, “of course, that’s when I found out your nickname was Grover.” She goes, “I can’t believe you remember that.” And he’s like, “Amy, I remember everything about that day.” Amy starts telling Ephram how she keeps trying to get him out of her mind, but she’s in love with him, and she’s sorry if she screwed things up. Ephram stops her, then kisses her like a man. He says, “You’re my one.” and they kiss again a few more times before heading over to the Ferris Wheel Tear-up: 5 out of 5. The camera pans up, over quiet, darkened Everwood.
--The End--

FOREVERWOOD (seriously, that was the title of the episode)
--Previously on Everwood: Irv died, Nina and Sam and Jake are moving to California, and Andy bought Nina an engagement ring “just in case” she decides to leave Jake at the last minute, but isn’t gonna give it to her unless she comes to him first. So at Irv’s funeral Ephram tells Nina about the ring. and she’s all, da-amn!--
The Brown residence: Dr. Andy Brown, Delia, Ephram, and Ephram’s new hot gf Stephanie are washing dishes, while Stephanie giggles at Andy’s jokes and talks to Delia about her upcoming bat mitzvah. Then Delia asks if Stephanie can come, because there will be extra seats since Nina and Sam won’t be there. Andy throws a fit and storms outside, where he begins trying to angrily stuff trash into the trash bin. Ephram confronts him about his totally whack feelings for Nina, and Andy’s like, “it’s all over, she’s moving to CA tomorrow. I lost.” major pity face.
Nina’s house: Hannah walks into the kitchen in a tight, unselfconsciously-boobalicious t-shirt. Nina is making major headway on the packing. Hannah is gonna throw out a foot massager, but Nina wants to keep it for sentimental value cuz Andy gave it to her. So Hannah’s all, “oh, you and Dr. Brown...mmmmhmmmm....I figured you two used to be all up in each other’s biznass.” (ok, she didn’t say it like that, but that was gist). And Nina’s all, “uh, no....do we have sexual tension or something?’ then she proceeds to give Hannah the whole run-down on the Andy situation—she loved him, then she didn’t, then he kissed her, then she moved in with Jake, then Andy bought her a ring...” Hannah jumps on the ring thing and is like, “so there’s a ring with your name on it and you don’t know what it looks like?” I smell mischief!!
Dr. Abbot’s office: Dr. Abbot is meeting with this schizo woman. She just had a baby with the brother-in-law from Weeds and then the guy from Weeds died. So she’s freaking out, and Harold’s all, it’s gonna be ok, your schizophrenia isn’t coming back, and she’s like, yeah it is, I can tell (kinda calmly, I might add). She’s like, Harold, you’re like a father to me! and he’s like, I know, and I’m like, huh? who is this woman and why is she so close to Harold all of a sudden?
The Bachelor Pad (minus Reid cuz he tried to commit suicide and then get with Amy and then moved out or something, I missed that episode): Ephram, Amy, and Bright are hangin’ out. Bright is trying to get everyone to go with him to buy a new TV. No one wants to go, so he leaves. Then Amy asks Ephram out to a movie, but he has plans with his new hispanic girlfriend. Amy is noticeably upset.
Jake’s office: Jake’s office is empty, and Harold is meticulously checking for smudges on the wall, etc. Finally he gives Jake back his security deposit, noting, “don’t spend it all on sun tan lotion!” they hug. then Harold leaves so Jake and Edna can have a moment. They do: Jake is sorry Irv is dead and Edna is proud of Jake for what he’s doin’. they hug & there’s tears in both of their eyes.
The Brown residence: Hannah and Nina have snuck in and are looking for the ring. Cue Everwood “mischief music.” “How can a guy have so many shoes?” Hannah asks “He’s from New York!” says Nina. I chuckle. They find the ring, but before they can open the box, Andy comes home. Hannah distracts him with some coco while Nina sneaks out the door.
Coffee Shop: Jake and Ephram run into each other at the coffee shop. Gee, are we gonna get every possible combo of people chatting it up, here? What’s happening to the coffee shop? ephram wants to know. oh, it’s being taken over by a manager or something. ok fine. Ephram tries to make some sort of comment to Jake about how it’s so sudden that Nina is leaving all the people who love her, and then Jake gives Ephram a “life is too short” speech (the speech literally ends with “life is too short, Ephram”) and tries to be all Dr. Andy Brown but fails miserably...but Ephram seems to fall for it! He looks thoughtfully into space as we go to, like, the fifth commercial already.
Amy’s bedroom (or maybe Hannah’s bedroom?): Amy is trying to get Hannah to tell her that she’s really not in love with Ephram (Amy, that is, not Hannah). Hannah goes, “I didn’t just fall off the pickle truck!” which I think means, I’m not falling for that shit. Hannah recounts the fight her and Amy had in case we missed that episode (we did.) Apparently her and Amy have a no-talking-about-Ephram agreement, which they now break. Amy decides that she really doesn’t love Ephram, and when she leaves, Hannah realizes that she still has Nina’s engagement ring box down her cleavage. oops!
The mall: Stephanie and Ephram are shopping at the mall for Delia’s bat mitzvah. Steph is all “you’re dad is sweet and funny and you guys have great snacks” and Ephram’s like, “no way” and I’m like, “yes way! I wish Dr. Andy Brown was my boyfriend’s dad!” then Ephram and Stephanie have a cute little moment and I’m like, oh, they’re cute (Ephram says “you’re blatantly using me for pudding” [wink wink, nudge nudge]), too bad Amy is gonna tear them apart by the end of this episode.
Then there’s a quick Abbott family dinner scene, of which I miss most because two seconds later Bright finds a baby on the doorstep!
That’s right. A freaking baby on the doorstep.
Return from commercial: the Abbots all gather around the baby, Harold reads the note with it, that’s like, I know the baby is better off with you guys, thanks, Kathy. Amy goes, “Who’s Kathy?” and I’m like, “EXACTLY!” uh-oh, Mrs. Abbott has a baby now, and she’s got that crazy look in her eye! She even declines to go to the bat mitzvah because she has to look after “Lilly.”
Nina’s house: Jake finds the ring in Hannah’s room, and goes down to warn Nina that Hannah is gonna marry Bright. Nina’s like, uhhh...actually...and tells Jake. Jake storms over to Andy’s house. Andy, as per usual, is all calm while Jake looks like he’s gonna cry. Andy’s all, “you won Jake, she chose you again.” And I think that Dr. Brown has outwitted Jake with his calm logic once again. But then Jake goes, “Well that’s what I don’t get, if she keeps choosing me why do I keep having this conversation with you?” damn.
Next day: Delia has horrible hair and a horrible dress and is rallying everyone to her bat mitzvah. As they’re leaving, Andy finds a note on the door, but leaves it inside without opening it. We are now treated to Everwood Series Finale Montage #1. Of course, because Everwood has zero budget, they can’t afford an actual song that anyone’s heard of. So it’s so terrible song with lyrics like, “Who we are.....’cause this is our life.....” etc. while we see the bat mitzvah and Nina and Jake at the airport. Then the music softens and Delia and Andy light a candle for the late Mrs. Brown and Delia gives a little speech about how she’ll always be a part of them. I tear up a little. *tear-up rating (on a scale of how much I teared up): 3 out of 5*
The Bat Mitzvah Afterparty: Stephanie and Ephram are sitting at a table with Amy, Bright, and a glasses-less Hannah. Steph and Eph are making out. But it’s this closed-lip, WB11-style make-out. totally gross. And Amy knows it. Ephram and Stephanie go off to dance, and then Amy starts freaking out about it, so Hannah and Bright go dance to get away from her. Amy pours herself another glass of wine. Go to it, girl.
It’s now about half-way through the finale, and it’s time for Jake to get the hell out of here. He breaks up with Nina at the last minute at the gate, in a scene that’s a total replay from ER season 1, when Dr. “Tag” Taglieri calls off his wedding to Nurse Carol because she doesn’t love him enough, totally paving the way for George Clooney to slip in during season 2. Jake and Nina, as is their nature, have a totally calm, understanding break-up scene where no one raises their voice. Jake thanks Nina for helping him find himself (*tear-up: 2 out of 5*), then kisses a sleeping Sam on the head and is gone for good.
Back at the Bat Mitzvah Afterparty, a drunken Amy talks Ephram into dancing with her (after congratulating Delia on her entrance into womanhood). They dance to a John Mayer-esque rip-off, and both have a meaningful look in their eyes.
Bright and Dad arrive home at the Abbott house. An exhausted Rose goes to bed. Bright’s all, “those Jews sure know how to party! Even though there were only like 4 of them there.” heh heh. I love Bright. Then Bright goes home because – woah – Hannah just moved into his old bedroom! before he goes, he’s like, um, what are you going to do about Mom and that baby? and Harold is like, “I don’t. Know.”
Cut to Hannah and Amy walking through the carnival (I guess the party was at the carnival? I don’t know). Amy says she’s going to puke, and Hannah’s like, yeah, that’s why we’re walking slowly. But instead of looking nasty, Amy looks all bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked, and she confesses she still loves Ephram. DUH!
Andy comes home to find Nina sitting in his dining room in the dark. She’s like, “I guess you don’t need to read this now” (talking about the card). Instead of taking her upstairs and screwing her brains out like he’s been waiting to do for years, Andy says he’ll set up Ephram’s room for her to stay in as long as she’d like.
Next morning: Stephanie is leaving the bachelor pad and Ephram is looking sexily rumpled in his jeans and t-shirt. they are being pretty cute as she says goodbye. Bright comes out and is like, nice one, you banged her, etc. and then Ephram admits they didn’t actually do the deed...they were drunk, wasn’t the right time, etc. Bright goes, “yeah, Lord knows she’s not hot enough!” (sarcasm). Then Ephram goes, hey, how’s your sister, she was pretty smashed, should I call her? and Bright goes, (I shit you not), “Oh, I get it. You danced with the devil—clouded your brain, clogged your drain.” And Ephram goes, “Don’t Rhyme!” haha. Then Bright convinces Ephram that Amy doesn’t like him anymore, and says one of the greatest lines in all of television: “You think there’s juice left in that box, and there isn’t!”
Edna’s house: Edna is packing up to move to Africa, and Harold is upset because he wants her to help look after his new baby, which apparently they are now going to have temporary custody over, and if “Kathy” never comes back they’ll just have regular custody without even having to adopt her. Funny how things always work out like that!
Amy, on advice from Hannah, decides she has to tell Ephram she’s totally hot for him. But first she meets Stephanie at the coffee shop to tell her she’s going to tell Ephram. Stephanie’s nice about it, but is basically like, yeah, whatever, we all know I’m hotter than you. Then later Amy has an awkward run-in with the happy couple at the movies. She compliments Ephram’s jacket and finds out Steph gave it to him!! akwwwarddd.......
Delia and Andy are driving through the snow-capped mountains of Colorado. Andy gives Delia the “you’re not a little girl anymore” speech, and then pulls into a stable, where Delia is introduced to “Sugar,” her new horse. She hugs Andy. *tear-up: 3 out of 5*
Very cute scene on the couch at Abbot’s house: Hannah is trying to figure out what college to go to: it’s between Notre Dame and Colorado A&M. She asks Bright’s advice. She reads off the pros and cons. Bright’s basically on both lists. damn. He doesn’t know what to tell her.
Andy is going out of town, but no one knows where. Harold pumps him for info at the office. Harold’s all, “It was you versus Dr. Boob Job and you won! why are you going out of town?” heh heh.
New York graveyard: Now Andy’s at Julia Brown’s tombstone. He’s having a grand old time, pontificating without the interruption of someone else trying to get a word in edgewise. He thanks Julia for showing him how to love, etc., and says he’s gonna ask Nina to marry him, etc. etc. Etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Tear-up: 1 out of 5 (it’s just not the same without the sudden dawn of understanding on the other person’s face).
Exterior of Edna’s house: Harold calls Edna out on her lying. Turns out she’s gonna ride around in an RV instead of go to Africa. Edna accuses Harold of causing a ruckus, then admits she’s “acting crazier than an outhouse rat.” She’s all freaking out cuz Irv is dead. They say stuff.
Bright and Hannah are hiking up a mountain, talking about college. Hannah still hasn’t decided. Bright tells her she should go to Notre Dame, because that’s what’s best for her, and he’s gonna be her “best friend for life.” They hug. Tear-up: 4 out of 5
Then, like, 3 scenes later, we see Hannah mailing the acceptance to Colorado A&M. god, I thought she was smarter than that!
Amy is all depressed at her house, just like the old days, and is talking to Rose. She says she can’t interfere with “Stephram.” hehe. She wants to win Ephram back, but feels like she needs to make a grand gesture. I mean, he is the guy that had his dad operate on her comatose boyfriend when he was in love with her, which Amy notes.
Then, as Amy lays back and thinks of Ephram, there is an awesome Amy/Ephram flashback montage where we can relive all of the greatest moments of their relationship! The song is much better. They are so cute, little high school Amy and Ephram, first kiss, first real kiss, he gave her a necklace, etc. etc. awww. Then she gets up and says to Rose, “I’ve got it! But I need your help....”
Edna comes over to the Abbot’s, and finds that Harold and Rose have made up a room for her. I’m like, this is how Rose is going to help win Ephram back? Then I realize it’s totally unrelated. Anyway, they’re like, please move in, we need your help with Lily and we love you, etc. Tear-up: 1 out of 5.
Second-to-last-scene: Andy is getting ready to go propose to Nina. He and Ephram have a father/son H2H (heart to heart) in which they both reveal how proud they are of each other and crap. Then Andy takes Nina out in front of their houses and tells her how much he loves her and stuff and gets down on one knee. Apparently Nina’s last name is Feeny. Who knew? He’s like, “I know you already saw the ring but...” and Nina’s like, “I never opened the box!” and Andy’s like, “oh, well then this makes this part more fun!” She says yes. Of course. (I guess she’s lucky Jake made that decision for her!) awww. Tear-up: 5 out of 5. I think I actually shed a tear.
Bachelor pad: Ephram is leaving a message on Stephanie’s machine telling her he’s running late. He puts on his jacket and runs out the door. There’s Amy, waiting for him, with a Ferris Wheel behind her. Apparently Former Mayor Abbott pulled some strings. Nice. Amy asks Ephram if he remembers the significance of the Ferris Wheel and he’s like, “of course, that’s when I found out your nickname was Grover.” She goes, “I can’t believe you remember that.” And he’s like, “Amy, I remember everything about that day.” Amy starts telling Ephram how she keeps trying to get him out of her mind, but she’s in love with him, and she’s sorry if she screwed things up. Ephram stops her, then kisses her like a man. He says, “You’re my one.” and they kiss again a few more times before heading over to the Ferris Wheel Tear-up: 5 out of 5. The camera pans up, over quiet, darkened Everwood.
--The End--

Welcome to my spankin' new blog
Well, I've finally done it: I've created a blog. And I should probably start with a picture, huh? so here's one of Evie Garland, star of the short-lived sitcom Out of This World. On her thirteenth birthday, Evie finds out that her father is not dead as she had previously thought, but is instead living on his home planet, Anterias. She begins communicating with him through a glowing diamond-sculpture thing. And also realizes she can freeze time (pictured), a skill that left such a lasting impression on me that I'm naming my blog after the show some fifteen years later.
Well, got to run...I'm on company time, here....
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