Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I've been wiping my ass with puppies.

More specifically, jungle puppies.

It all started the other day at my local market. I was out of toilet paper, and they were out of Charmin Basic, my preferred brand not only because it's the perfect thickness (not too rough, but not so soft I feel like I should be upholstering my freegan chair with it), but because it doesn't hide behind words like "original" or "super" or "nacho cheesier." It's just "basic," and that's OK.

But I digress. One Stop Market was out of Charmin Basic, so I picked up some Cottonelle. But this wasn't simply Cottonelle, it was Cottonelle for kids, which, if I am reading the graphic on the package correctly, supposedly shows kids how much toilet paper to use by putting a picture every 4 squares.

"This is hilarious!" I thought, and what normally happens after that I utter that phrase once again happened, as I smacked down money for something that was decidedly less funny once I got home and remembered that no one ever comes over.

What gets me about the Cottonelle for kids, besides the uncomfortable feeling of shoving a dog into my yammy, is that the puppy is pictured in two poses. One, with his tongue out next to a parrot, and the other, in a canoe with a monkey. No, seriously, in a canoe with a monkey:

As someone who works in a creative field for a big corporation, I am really trying to picture the meeting that occurred before these illustrations were commissioned. There must have been a lot of excitement about this thrilling new product, the downer of the group must have mentioned that they could only spend the money to have two different illustrations done, everyone immediately thought puppies should be involved...and then here is where I am drawing a blank. Jungle puppies? Jungle puppies in canoes steered by monkeys? Sgt. Joe Friday used to come after the type of people who would think up such things.

In the meantime, I have almost four whole rolls--"double rolls" even--to get through. Someone drink some prune juice and come over!


jayKayEss said...

Isn't Charmin the brand that advertises with cartoon bears who need to wipe their asses? That alone is enough to put me off their product. It's too difficult for me to put the imagine of bear-fur-Charmin dingleberries out of my mind, and horrifyingly, their latest ad is about exactly that predicament. Noooooo thank you.

jayKayEss said...

PS: the word is VAJAYJAY. Yammy is soooo last year.

Anonymous said...

And isn't "jumgle puppies" a euphemism as well?

Anna said...

I think you should begin a quest to locate the artist of said puppies. Can you call the Charmin company and try to track down their design department under the guise of something work-related? Say you're doing a book about toilet paper?

Fraggs said...

If you save me a square I will use the puppies.

enwhysee said...

If I were you, I'd be reporting on the UFO sighting in Texas instead of Jungle Puppies up your bum.

I think the cows from the small town were being taken by Anterians.