On Anna Nicole

When the news of Anna Nicole’s unfortunate demise hit the bandwidths yesterday, it was a reminder to me of one of the greatest things the internet has done: keep those of us locked in an office all day in the loop (the other thing that reminds me of this is that people who work in ari-conditioned offices are way more likely to know what the high temperature for the day is supposed to be).
The first thing that happened was that my cubicle-neighbor overheard people in the cubicles on the other side of her talking about it. She told me, and while I tried to access the CBS News link on gawker, I got an email from another coworker saying Anna Nicole had died. I forwarded that to a third coworker, who emailed back saying, “I know! I just heard!” I was on my way to a meeting, and shortly after showing up someone walked into the office we were in and said, “Did you hear about Anna Nicole dying?” Which prompted a long discussion. Then the office-dweller and I got on speakerphone with a designer, who, halfway into the conversation said, “hold on, Anna Nicole Smith just died!” After that someone else came into the office to tell us the news, and when I got back to my desk I had another email about it.
So why all the fuss? Sure, it’s sad, but what is it about the giggly, trashy, beautiful, fake-boobed, rich celebrity that makes her death more noteworthy to my office than any news event of recent memory?
I couldn’t figure it out until I called a friend this morning and she said, “I just found out Anna Nicole Smith died, and I’m kind of bummed.” (She works at a recording studio, where I guess people don’t sit in front of the internet and gossip all day.) I told her about the commotion at my office and asked her what she thought, and she hit the nail right on the head.
People (Americans especially) loved Anna Nicole because she triumphed over adversity. Sure she married a rich, old man just for his money, but when her stepson tried to take that money away, what did she do? She didn’t just go back to her trailer and slip into obscurity until appearing in an episode of COPS. She got even bigger boobs and took them all the way to the Supreme Fucking Court. She got a reality show before every star had one, and she never once apologized for being inappropriate, having a shitload of cash, or making out with Margaret Cho. And when she got pregnant, who didn’t secretly love the fact that she went and told whoever would be the best baby daddy that it was his kid? And who, if they had the means, wouldn’t want to just run off and stay in the Bahamas when this tactic got challenged? And after the tragic death of your son, who wouldn’t want to go have a non-legally binding commitment ceremony with a man who clearly worships you?
What my friend said was, “People wanted to see Anna Nicole triumph again.” Why? Because whether we like it or not, just like Marilyn Monroe (whom she was famous for parodying), Anna Nicole was a true American icon. And I like to think that she knew it.

Pizzarolling

It's probably because I'm craving childhood, but what I wouldn't give for the sound of cheesy goodness escaping the confines of its crusty shell and sizzling on the baking sheet below it. As a child, I wasn't aloud to stick my hands in the oven (a good rule, I think), so I would monitor the pizza rolls carefully, then yell "Mom!!!! They're oozing, they're oozing!!" and she would come into the kitchen and take them out for me. Mom was always good like that—she'd come wipe my butt when I called, too.
So until I find some pizza rolls (and I'm not talking about those newfangled "chicken enchilada" kinds), I'll just have to make due with the most comprehensive pizza roll review I've ever seen (I can only imagine what part two is going to be like!)

I couldn't make this up if I tried

Well, January comes to a close as the month I've done the most google searches yet (since I signed up for personalized searches in October). According to Google, I do the most searching on Tuesday from 3:00–4:00. And here's the best (and most embarassing) part—here are my most queried items of all time on google:

1. iraq study group
2. [my name]
3. reflexology
4. [my name in quotation marks]
5. treat williams
6. sophie calle
7. short circuit 2
8. pumpkin carving
9. judge alex
10. flatiron lounge drink menu

I Read TV Guide So You Don't Have To

In this week's issue, some quotes from Laura Innes (a.k.a. Kerry Weaver) for you old-school ER fans:

"Weaver must be so good in bed! Her girlfriends are so hot. I definitely raised the bar in the lipstick-lesbian category."

Question: Aren't you sorry you never got to kiss George Clooney or Goran Visnjic?
"How do you know I didn't?"

Oh Kerry, I don't know what has been happening on ER since I stopped watching it 5 years ago, but I'll never forget how you ran off Dr. Ross, double-crossed Dr. Green, and had your frist lesbo kiss with the new hot Other from Lost.

Grey's Anatomy: Who's Slept with Whom?

On Thursday's Grey's Anatomy, after giving each other "the look" for several episodes, Addison and Alex finally snogged. While this is awesome for obvious reasons, I'm starting to get worried about the writers having enough characters to intermix in the coming seasons. I began to worry, so to help myself visualize what we're working with here, I did the same thing I do at the office: I made a spreadsheet.

What I gleaned from it is the following:
1. Meredith is the sluttiest if you count out-of-hospital screws, but George is the sluttiest if you count interhospital bangs only (isn't that shocking?).
2. Izzie really can't catch a break, having only kissed people on the show (unless I'm wrong and she actually did sleep with Alex...as I remember it they never actually sealed the deal)
3. It's only a matter of time before Dr. Hahn boffs someone, even if she does seem frigid
4. Cristina and Burke are gonna break up, or they're going to start swinging.

I hope you find this spreadsheet as helpful as I did. You may also want to pass it along to friends who are new to the show, who can use it as a handy reference sheet. I'll update and repost it as necessary. (click on the image above for a closer look)

Click here for an updated spreadsheet!

a totally depressing post for your Monday

I'm sure I'm not the only one kind of skeeved by the whole Shawn Hornbeck kidnapping story. Not so much the kidnapping, as the fact that he didn't escape sooner. As everyone ponders how it was possible that he was posting stuff on the internet and not running home to his family, can I remind you about I Know My Name Is Stevie?? And for those of you who are not aware of this Lifetime movie (also known by the lamer title "I Know My First Name Is Steven"), let me enlighten you:

I Know My Name is Stevie was one of those movies I saw as a kid that I really shouldn't have been watching (I must have been like 11 years old. I have no idea what my parents were doing that day), and, like The Big One, a TV movie about the supposedly inevitable LA earthquake, it left such an impression that I still bring it up as much as possible today, hoping someone else has seen this landmark piece of cinema and can remember the image of little Stevie with his arms crossed over his thin frame, covering his nipples with his hands. If you can't get a mental picture of this, perhaps I should tell you that Stevie was played by the same kid who played the Nintendo genius in The Wizard.

The film, made in 1989, is based on the life of Steven Stayner, a boy who was kidnapped in California and held captive for 8 years, where he was subjected to all sorts of horrible sex acts. When his "father" finally abducted another boy [just like in the Shawn Hornbeck case], Stevie had finally had enough and up and went to the police.

The movie version of the tale, which is 3 hours long, doesn't stop there. It continues, showing how once Stevie (who now insists on being called Steven) is reunited with his family, he doesn't really like them very much, resists their rules and Christian values, and knocks up his girlfriend and goes and lives in a tralier. It's really quite sad, and as I sat in my living room watching all 3 hours of the story (plus a good hour of commercials for tampons and cleaning products) I could kind of see why Steve put up with his captive father. Sure, being invited into bed with "Dad" and Dad's cackling girlfriend seems awfully weird, but when you're 10 how are you supposed to know any better? Especially when "Dad" just told you that your parents don't even care that you're gone.

Sadly, the real Steven Stayner had an even more depresssing life than the Lifetime movie let on (unsurprisingly, as Lifetime movies always seem to end on an upbeat note)--his brother became a murderer and Steve died in a motorcycle crash before he could see any royalties from the film. I just hope Shawn has better luck.

24: The first four hours

So as if I have to tell you, this weekend is the "heart-pounding" 2-day premeire of 24, which, now that Lost sucks so bad, is my rasion d'etre. As I soak in the ticking clock and get more and more agitated that Jack Bauer is still into Audrey (unluckily for us her new show got cancelled), here are ten things I hope to see:
1. Jack yelling "drop the gun" at someone
2. A scene in which Jack, with no lack of metaphor, shears off his shaggy mane
3. An explanation of why Chole dyed her hair—and don't tell me it's to look hot for her ex-husband
4. Bill Buchannon in his undershirt
5. Jack shooting up some H, just for old times' sake
6. Kim Bauer to be fat, with a bunch of kids that are annoying the shit out of her
7. Tony Almeida to come back as a ghost that haunts the CTU iterrogation rooms
8. Guest star: Josh Holloway, as a sexy bad guy
9. Jack on an LA bus that can't go below 55 miles per hour or it blows up (it would take him about 20 minutes to remedy that situation)
10. The ticking clock to run at the bottom of the screen during commericials, so we can just how long those truck ads really are

NY Times quote of the day

“Everyone knows that New York has the biggest muffins, but no one knows why.”
—Tom Miner, leading food researcher

damn straight.

Restaurant Review: Arby's

Note: this review is being written as I eat the food! My mouse is getting all greasy.

I was paging through the Voice the other day when I saw one of those fake-out ads, you know, where they try to make you think it's editorial content but really it's an ad? It was along the lines of "Restaurants You Must Visit While in Town!" or something, and the first one I saw was ARBY'S. At first I was all, "nice try, Arby's," but then I was like, "Wait a minute! ARBY'Sis in Manhattan now?!" And sure enough, the copy said something along the lines of:

Enjoy the Midwest's most famous roast beef sandwich, now in the heart of Manhattan!

And I was like, "oh my god! I'm from the Midwest!" (where some of the Arby's signs actually still look like the one in this picture*). When I was a child I used to have Arby's for dinner about once a week. (It was the second-closest fastfood joint. McDonald's was first, but we had our standards.) So I had to go. Of course, back then it was the good ol' chicken breast fillet with nothing on it but bun. Now I go for the famous roast beef, and curly fries, because I like to claim that Arby's invented the curly fry, which may or may not be true.

Though I've been living in New York for more than three years now, this was actually the first time I'd ever been in Manhattan Mall, and I approached the food court with excitement. I wasn't the only one excited about my dinnertime race up to the Arby's counter, either. Because no one was even near the Arby's counter, the two employees stood side-by-side behind the counter, looking forlornly (I like to think) at the lines from Wok & Roll and Charley's Steakery, which were overflowing with diners who were broke and/or didn't care about their nutrional needs. As I strode confidently toward them, the second employee raced back behind the burger-shelf divider, and quickly dispensed my regular roast beef value meal, which, from the taste of it, had been sitting out all afternoon.

The fries, however, are the original. Mmm...tastes like home.

*Note the sizzler

Another link to keep you busy for hours

This website full of found items is great, this one is one of our favorites ("our" meaning me and my cubicle-mates, of course...what other "us" would I be talking about?)

Just Teach Me What to Do and What Not to Do (Found Magazine)