for s.b.

Hello, friends, fans, and people who google "cock bulge," "splash mountain boobs," and "Mary Steenburgen nude"! I'm back after a deboucherous, dignity-defying, delicious weekend.

After a trip to the graveyard (left) and to Arby's, we settled in peter's bed with turkey sandwiches, several cokes, and lots of beer to watch 6 episodes of The Shield from the season 1 set I bought just so I could loan it to people. Damn, have I mentioned how good The Shield is? You can't blame me for trying to get you to watch it, because right now we live in a society dominated by pop culture slang terms like vajayjay. When the New York Times writes a piece on vajayjays, it's time to take action.

If more people watched The Shield, the word for vagina in our lexicon would instead be "yammy," which is so much easier to say while raising an eyebrow. Sure, it's in the urban dictionary, but not enough people know about this and the many other dirty lines on The Shield that the FX Network lets slip through. According to the commentary on the infamous "ass fulla cum and back fulla shiv" episode, most of them are penned by Kurt Sutter, shown here as Margos Dezerian, shooting an associate. Would you rather be saying a word that guy popularized, or one that Oprah has told America is "paining" her? (Let me let you think about that one for a minute.) Sure, some people have caught on--Michael Chiklis reports still getting "sweet butter!" yelled at him on the sidewalk (I would link to the video on youtube, but fox pulled it down)--but it is now time for you to take the mantle and go buy the Shield DVDs (not that the writers will get any money for that). If you start watching now, you'll be able to catch up in time for the final season.

What else are you going to do with your TV?

Pizzarolling

It's probably because I'm craving childhood, but what I wouldn't give for the sound of cheesy goodness escaping the confines of its crusty shell and sizzling on the baking sheet below it. As a child, I wasn't aloud to stick my hands in the oven (a good rule, I think), so I would monitor the pizza rolls carefully, then yell "Mom!!!! They're oozing, they're oozing!!" and she would come into the kitchen and take them out for me. Mom was always good like that—she'd come wipe my butt when I called, too.
So until I find some pizza rolls (and I'm not talking about those newfangled "chicken enchilada" kinds), I'll just have to make due with the most comprehensive pizza roll review I've ever seen (I can only imagine what part two is going to be like!)

NY Times quote of the day

“Everyone knows that New York has the biggest muffins, but no one knows why.”
—Tom Miner, leading food researcher

damn straight.

Restaurant Review: Arby's

Note: this review is being written as I eat the food! My mouse is getting all greasy.

I was paging through the Voice the other day when I saw one of those fake-out ads, you know, where they try to make you think it's editorial content but really it's an ad? It was along the lines of "Restaurants You Must Visit While in Town!" or something, and the first one I saw was ARBY'S. At first I was all, "nice try, Arby's," but then I was like, "Wait a minute! ARBY'Sis in Manhattan now?!" And sure enough, the copy said something along the lines of:

Enjoy the Midwest's most famous roast beef sandwich, now in the heart of Manhattan!

And I was like, "oh my god! I'm from the Midwest!" (where some of the Arby's signs actually still look like the one in this picture*). When I was a child I used to have Arby's for dinner about once a week. (It was the second-closest fastfood joint. McDonald's was first, but we had our standards.) So I had to go. Of course, back then it was the good ol' chicken breast fillet with nothing on it but bun. Now I go for the famous roast beef, and curly fries, because I like to claim that Arby's invented the curly fry, which may or may not be true.

Though I've been living in New York for more than three years now, this was actually the first time I'd ever been in Manhattan Mall, and I approached the food court with excitement. I wasn't the only one excited about my dinnertime race up to the Arby's counter, either. Because no one was even near the Arby's counter, the two employees stood side-by-side behind the counter, looking forlornly (I like to think) at the lines from Wok & Roll and Charley's Steakery, which were overflowing with diners who were broke and/or didn't care about their nutrional needs. As I strode confidently toward them, the second employee raced back behind the burger-shelf divider, and quickly dispensed my regular roast beef value meal, which, from the taste of it, had been sitting out all afternoon.

The fries, however, are the original. Mmm...tastes like home.

*Note the sizzler