Words I wish I knew how to spell

Since I'm an editor, you may be under the mistaken impression that I'm a good speller. But historically, I'd whip through diagramming sentences on a sheet of notebook paper, but put me in front of that week's 2-page spread in the spelling workbook and I'd suddenly become completely uninterested. So I'm still a bad speller. But since I'm an editor,
a) all of my superiors not only have pristine spelling, my boss sometimes uses words I have to look up in the dictionary; and
b) if I ever misspell anything at any time, some one inevitably says, "you're an editor, you should be able to spell!" I always get picked for the spelling questions on Cranium. A bad spellers worst nightmare.

To that end, I have striven to become a better speller. Afterall, by my estimation, I type more than 12,000 words a day (2.5 hours a day typing at 82 words per minute). But there are some words I can never seem to get straight:


necessary - is it two Cs, one S; or one C, two eses? I can never remember
traveling - I'm sorry, but the rules of spelling dictate that a short vowel (the "e") should have a double-consonant after it if adding -ing. The British do it correctly...so why only one L? This baffles me.
occasionally - the only way I could get myself to remember that there were two Cs is to start to pronounce it in my head wrong: OCK-casionally. But since I type it more than I say it, I always want to say it wrong now.
Michael - the "a-e-l" just seems so unnatural. Every time I type it I have to say in my head "m-i-c-h-A-E-L!" I have to say it with an exclamation point, too (therefore, it always makes me happy to write it).
their - my fingers somehow started spelling their as "thier" all the time. I have to retype it the correct every time. But I've typed it wrong so many times, I'm never 100% sure how to write it when I'm writing longhand now.
Renaissance - ugh. there is no hope for me and this word
absorption - I actually totally know how to spell this word, but I always have to pause when writing it. I find the changing of the "b" in absorb into a "p" absorption to be awesome, and how often do you get to write "absorption"? When you do, take a moment to appreciate it.

Lost: Get better copyeditors

Even in this, the most awesomely awesome of all Lost seasons, you know the Jin/Sun episode is gonna suck. Sure, Sun was part of the Oceanic Six, but what did we get to see of Jin? Some throw-away story? We wasted that time on Jin's dumb story when we could be figuring out what the eff is going on with Michael.

But if that wasn't bad enough, the punctuation in the subtitles of the Korean they were speaking the whole episode was all wrong. We're talking double hyphens instead of em dashes, missing commas, even misplaced periods! For those of us intimately familiar with correct punctuation, this is not only distracting, but disheartening. Are we the only ones who care about proper punctuation?

But hey—maybe it's hard to find good copyeditors in Hawaii. If that's the case, you just let me know, Lost producers, and I'd be happy to move there in a minute.

And I'm gonna get my abs in shape

I went to see I am Legend tonight, and came to the realization about one of the archetypes of disaster films. You know the characters who are always the first to give up? In PG movies, the other characters rally them until they realize their potential. In PG-13 movies, they attempt suicide. In R rated movies, they're the ones that jump into the East River to escape the monster.

If I were faced with the end of the world as we knew it, that'd totally be me.

First off, I'm a total pessimist. I'm sorry, but if a giant spaceship/alien/virus is coming towards me, I'm not really having a "I'm gonna live to fall in love another day" attitude. And two, I don't really have a lot to give society. I couldn't come up with a cure, or fly a shooting spaceship. I'd pretty much be done with life as soon as the coffee ran out.

But I think there might be one plot twist that would keep me from being the wife in Cormac McCarthy's The Road. The concept is: the only way the United States can beat the aliens/terrorists/virus is by giving a twenty-something idiot savant directions on how to work their vessel. In order for the awkward hipster--who only responds to witty prose that connects with his generation--to understand the dry, scientific directions of the military manual, someone has to edit it.

I'll get from Brooklyn to DC by stealing a horse from the Kensington Stables and riding her over the Verrazano Bridge.

Hackneyed Expressions

The Harbrace Handbook of English (1941) says

Nearly all trite expressions were once striking and effecive. From overuse they have lost their vigor. They no longer stimulate the reader; often they annoy him.

Here are some of the "hackneyed expresssions" they list:

a bolt from the blue / a long-felt want / bathed in tears
brawny arms / briny deep / brown as a berry
cheered to the echo / course of true love / Dame Fortune / deadly earnest
downy couch / eyes like stars
filthy lucre / flower of the Old South / goodly number
Grim Reaper / justice to the occasion
mad as a wet hen / method in his madness
partake of refreshments
poor but honest / riot of color / strong, silent man / sumptuous repast
sun-kissed meadows / table groaned
take my word for it / to the bitter end / toothsome viands / wrought havoc
wry countenance

Better than an apple

Yesterday one of my students brought me an index card she had found in a used book that she purchased. In very thin writing it said:

I love you

I care about you

I hear what you're saying

I can't take it anymore

Writing Prompts for Seniors

Every Thursday I saunter down to Washington Square North where I teach a writing class for senior citizens. It’s with a mixture of joy and resentment that I teach this class: old people are pretty unruly, and all seem to think very highly of their own opinions. The best part of the class, though, is when I dole out writing prompts and see what they come up with. Below are some of the ones I’ve gotten the best responses from.

1. Describe a moment when someone said “I love you.”
2. Describe a favorite toy from your childhood
3. Of all the bedrooms you have ever had, which was your favorite?
4. Write about the traits you got from your mother.
5. Describe what your father did for a living and how it affected you.
6. What does love taste like?
7. Who taught you how to drive? Describe your experience.
8. Have you ever been in a car accident? Describe the situation.
9. Describe what your hometown or neighborhood was like when you were growing up.
10. What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?

Crappy Writing

So, I’ve been freelancing, doing manuscript evaluation for a self-publisher. (That is, people fork over big bucks so they can convince themselves they have a speck of talent or cultural significance, because they’ve been published). Can you guess which of the following sentences were NOT in one of the manuscripts I’ve read thus far?

1. His mother tugged on the cord connecting them like it was a line to a fish, rolling him over wavelets and troughs as hand over hand, she fetched him to her, the placenta floating and flaring like a jellyfish.
2. But time is always an uncertain ally and takes usually the side of the powerful while abandons the ones who are lazy.
3. “You’ll know me by my red hat, and my enormous jugs,” she told him.
4. These gladiators took time for prayer, and with a slap on the back and a few manly hugs, this small group moved back indoors for final preparations.




answer: #3 never appeared in a manuscript. It’s just what I say to guys on our first date.

My most brilliant writing yet

I'm not usually one to toot my own horn, but this intro to the "Home & Garden" section of this new book I'm editing might be one of the most brilliant things I have ever composed:

If you feel more like a bungling rookie than a smart cookie when it comes to household chores, read up on these pointers to become a pro in no time. With these bits of advice, you'll learn how to solve irksome problems like wax spatters on a tablecloth and a slow-running lawnmower, and make those weekend chores—like hanging pictures and winterizing a car battery—a snap!

Sometimes my life is a little too glamourous, know what I mean?

Today's realization: I will never be Max Perkins

I'm currently reading the bookMax Perkins: Editor of Genius by A. Scott Berg, about the guy who edited Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Wolfe, and a bunch of others. This morning on the way to work, I was reading about when Max received the long-awaited manuscript for The Great Gatsby. Berg writes, "Perkins tore into the novel and read it in one sitting. Immediatley he cabled, THINK NOVEL IS SPLENDID. He meant much more than that and wrote Fitzgerald the next day." It then goes on to detail what changes Perkins suggested, and how Fitzgerald took them all, making Gatsby the wonderfully good book it was.

Today I'm editing my long-awaited manuscript for my reflexology book. And although I love the authors of it, they've never taken me on drunken Prohibition-era binges that end in plunging their car into a lilly pond. I spent about a half an hour editing their text as follows.

Cold sores or canker sores
Whether it’s a cold sore (a blister caused by the herpes virus) or a canker sore (an ulceration of the mouth or lips), reflexology can help get rid of these nuisances more quickly. Work the face reflex area by using the single-finger grip technique on the side of your fingers and toes.

Constipation
Constipation is a difficulty with bowel movements or unusually dry stool. It is most common in children and seniors, and is often caused by stress, not enough fiber or water intake, disruption of your regular diet, or pregnancy. If you’re suffering from constipation, work the digestive system reflex area by using the reflex ball on the heel of your hand and the foot roller on the heel of your foot.

God I'm disillusioned. I've just gotten to the part where Berg mentions Perkins' "Yankee editor's romance" and I'm afraid to go on.

Dear everyone who writes a nonfiction book,

I know you’ve spent much of your time since high school developing the skills to make you an expert on acupressure/jump roping/home organization/sign language/television/facerise/bigfoot/the history of twine, but while you were doing that, I was busy developing my writing skills beyond the tenth grade level. Here is what I have learned:
1. Read what you wrote after you write it. No, seriously. Does that paragraph make sense in any way? If no, then rewrite it. Now read it again. Repeat.
2. If you’re making headings for things (like chapters), those headings should be a descriptive word or phrase that tells the reader what that section is about. They should NOT be what the first sentence is about. Remember: further information is often presented in the second, or even third, paragraph!
3. Writing doesn’t sound good if you use the same word or phrase over and over. If tempted to use something over and over, use a thesaurus. Using a thesaurus over and over well help you to not use the same word or phrase over and over. And over.
4. This is not a jr. high science fair. That is, you can’t just stretch your data to make it sound how you want it to sound.
5. I use google. A lot. So if you pull anything off the internet, I will find it. More quickly than you did.
6. If I corrected something, I did it because it was wrong. Or bad! You see, I know more about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, word usage, paragraph flow, and publishing than you do.
7. Along with that, there are actually rules for that things that you have never even heard of! When are numbers spelled out? Should you use a serial comma? (What is a serial comma?) When are things italicized, capitalized, or put in quotation marks? There are answers to all of these questions, and I didn’t just make them up. So yes, we’re doing it “my” way.
8. Just because you wrote a book does not make you in any way important or impressive to me. In fact, it makes you a pain in my ass. I’m not here to bring your genius to the masses, I am here to make money for my heartless corporation. We paid less for your words than the paper they are printed on. Remember that.

And call me when you’re in town! I’d love to take you out for lunch!

Sincerely,
Your Bitter Editor

Editor's note: wiggle vs. wriggle

Today I learned the difference between "wiggle" and "wriggle." Interestingly, wiggle can mean wriggle but wriggle never means wiggle. Here are their verb forms from Webster's 10th:
wiggle
1: to move to and fro with quick jerky or shaking motions: JIGGLE
2: to proceed with or as if with twisting and turning movements: WRIGGLE
wriggle
1: to move the body or a bodily part to and fro with short writhing motions like a worm: SQUIRM
2: to move or advance by twisting and turning