More specifically, jungle puppies.
It all started the other day at my local market. I was out of toilet paper, and they were out of Charmin Basic, my preferred brand not only because it's the perfect thickness (not too rough, but not so soft I feel like I should be upholstering my freegan chair with it), but because it doesn't hide behind words like "original" or "super" or "nacho cheesier." It's just "basic," and that's OK.
But I digress. One Stop Market was out of Charmin Basic, so I picked up some Cottonelle. But this wasn't simply Cottonelle, it was Cottonelle
for kids, which, if I am reading the graphic on the package correctly, supposedly shows kids how much toilet paper to use by putting a picture every 4 squares.
"This is hilarious!" I thought, and what normally happens after that I utter that phrase once again happened, as I smacked down money for something that was decidedly less funny once I got home and remembered that no one ever comes over.
What gets me about the Cottonelle for kids, besides the uncomfortable feeling of shoving a dog into my
yammy, is that the puppy is pictured in two poses. One, with his tongue out next to a parrot, and the other, in a canoe with a monkey. No, seriously, in a canoe with a monkey:
As someone who works in a creative field for a big corporation, I am really trying to picture the meeting that occurred before these illustrations were commissioned. There must have been a lot of excitement about this thrilling new product, the downer of the group must have mentioned that they could only spend the money to have two different illustrations done, everyone immediately thought puppies should be involved...and then here is where I am drawing a blank. Jungle puppies? Jungle puppies in canoes steered by monkeys? Sgt. Joe Friday used to come after the type of people who would think up such things.
In the meantime, I have almost four whole rolls--"double rolls" even--to get through. Someone drink some prune juice and come over!
Like most of you, I was gathered around my christmas tree + tv (they're so delightfully close to each other!) tonight watching AMC's airing of "Santa Claus: The Movie," that 1985 gem starring Dudley Moore as Patch, the elf gone bad.
After a trip to the graveyard (left) and to Arby's, we settled in peter's bed with turkey sandwiches, several cokes, and lots of beer to watch 6 episodes of The Shield from the season 1 set I bought just so I could loan it to people. Damn, have I mentioned how good The Shield is? You can't blame me for trying to get you to watch it, because right now we live in a society dominated by pop culture slang terms like vajayjay. When the New York Times writes a piece on vajayjays, it's time to take action.
If more people watched The Shield, the word for vagina in our lexicon would instead be "yammy," which is so much easier to say while raising an eyebrow. Sure, it's in the urban dictionary, but not enough people know about this and the many other dirty lines on The Shield that the FX Network lets slip through. According to the commentary on the infamous "ass fulla cum and back fulla shiv" episode, most of them are penned by Kurt Sutter, shown here as Margos Dezerian, shooting an associate. Would you rather be saying a word that guy popularized, or one that Oprah has told America is "paining" her? (Let me let you think about that one for a minute.) Sure, some people have caught on--Michael Chiklis reports still getting "sweet butter!" yelled at him on the sidewalk (I would link to the video on youtube, but fox pulled it down)--but it is now time for you to take the mantle and go buy the Shield DVDs (not that the writers will get any money for that). If you start watching now, you'll be able to catch up in time for the final season.
