I can't even feel my neck right now

I finally had my second visit with Joe the Massage Therapist this afternoon. I rode all the way up to West 86th Street just to see him at the “other” office, which is actually, like, an apartment. Joe opened the door, New York Post in hand, and gave me my massage in a closet. “Isn’t it funny,” he asked, “how we learn all of these skills and don’t learn some of the basic things about taking care of our bodies?” Though I wasn’t so shocked at the things Joe could do to my body this time, he did flip me over for a neck/face/scalp massage. At one point he held the side of my head in his giant hand and rubbed my ear. I was really tempted to be like, “Joe, you must be a real hit with the ladies!” but I didn’t want to a) sound like an 80 year-old and b) embarrass him. Joe’s pretty modest, you know. Even though at one point he stuck a couple fingers down the hem of my pants, as he left the room he adverted his gaze as if the towel over my chest was see-through. “It was good seeing you again,” he said, looking at the wall. He left and I sat up, my hair all mussed. Until next time, my dear Tony Danza lookalike.

Stuff in My Cubicle, part one

I have an excerpt from an article in Harper’s tacked up in my cubicle. It reads:

A baboon group, in short, is an unlikely breeding ground for pacifists. There are some interesting exceptions, however. Although aggression does have something to do with attaining a high rank, it turns out to have virtually nothing to do with maintaining it. Dominant males are not particularly aggressive, except when they are on their way out: the ones that need to use it are often about to lose it. Instead, maintaining dominance requires social intelligence and impulse control—the ability to form prudent coalitions, tolerate subordinates, and ignore most provocations.

Think about it.

Birdcage backpack

I should have known today was going to suck when I got to work and discovered Pluto was no longer a planet. Then, I went to my massage appointment, and lo and behold, Joe (who is looking more and more like Tony Danza in my mind) was working out of the “other” office, and, in fact, only works out of the “other” office now, and, helpfully, no one thought to tell me this. I had no choice but to walk to Jamba Juice and order the most fattening thing on the menu (the peanut butter moo’d), while examining the sky for impending signs of ruining both the company softball game and The Warriors at Brooklyn Bridge park tonight.
As I sat on the subway on my way back downtown, I wished that I was new enough to New York for it to still be magical to me...there was something, even about the subway, that always seemed unique and interesting before I moved here and shortly after. As I walked back to the office I heard a chirping noise coming up behind me. And then, as the guy behind me passed me on the sidewalk, I saw it:

He had a birdcage backpack. How freaking cool is that. I quickly pulled out the ol' cameraphone and followed him across the street. As excited as I was, this guy was clearly used to walking around this way. The novelty of having a cockatiel on his back, apparently, had worn off.

When will season 2 of Weeds be on iTunes?!

When OCD-like qualities run in your family, it’s important to have a few things you do obsessively/compulsively that don’t really affect your lifestyle. For the past 7 days, mine has been checking iTunes to see if they’ve uploaded the first episode of season two of Weeds. Come on! It’s still a month before all the good shows premiere and I need my fix!

p.s. can Mary Louise Parker be any cuter? I want to be her best friend, especially ever since Billly Crudup left her while she was with child for Claire Danes.

Craigslist ad of the day

6 Degrees of Seperation (East Village)


I'm going out on a limb here. I'm a writer who is desperate to get in touch with anyone who might know someone... Who knows someone... That knows Michelle Rodriguez(Lead Actress in "Girl Fight"). Why?

I have a killer movie script that would be perfect for her. It's a great script and an ideal role for her. I know she won't resist it. It has to get into her hands...

What's in it for you? Free martial art lessons, maybe money or a role in the movie. For writers, I can get someone who knows someone to get an agent to look at your material... Let's help each other out. We all stand on each other's shoulders...

Thanks...

Confession: I find Tony Soprano hot

I'm deep into the third season of The Sopranos (via Netflix), and I just saw the episode where Tony and has mistress go at it at the zoo. And I realized, I can try to deny it all I want, but I really do find Tony Soprano to be totally hot.

This is kind of embarassing because my friends recently busted me secretly thinking Treat Williams, the bearded nerosurgeon dad on Everwood, was totally hot. But I'm gonna come out and say it: I wish my boyfriend was a well-dressed, gun-toting mob boss who could have practically anyone he wanted killed. But I don't think it's just that...I have no desire to do Pauly, or the guy from Springsteen's band who owns the strip club. And I find Christopher hot only in a drug-addict kind of way. No, I think Tony Soprano is intrinsically sexy, and therefore I am not ashamed.

Granted, "Tone," as I would call him, would probably smack me for opening my big mouth at some point or another, and then I'd have to leave him, leaving me with no place to get my heroin. Guess I'll have to find someone else to have monkey-house sex with.

Bad Things, Good Things

Today’s a really sad day. And not like, I got my period sad, but like, somebody died sad. I wish I had something simple to keep my mind occupied, like some filing or a root canal or something. But since it’s a pretty freeform day I’m going to try to boost my spirits with a list of 10 things that make me happy. In no particular order other than how they’re coming to me....

1. Elmo is black

2. Drinking during lunch, if only a little.

3. Julie Kavner’s character on Rhoda. Did anyone else ever watch Rhoda? On Nick at Night when they were 12?

4. Our company softball team made it to the playoffs (I’m hoping they get to play against my former employer, Otis Elevator Company, who is also in the playoffs)

5. Over the weekend I got a postcard from an old roommate that says “I hope you’re keeping your spirits up during this whole Lance Bass crisis. Because I know he was always your favorite.”

6. Arugula pesto

7. This sign at a busy intersection near my apartment that urges senior citizens to use a different crosswalk for less vehicle conflicts.

8. I have another appointment with Joe next week

9. Waking up alone

10. Everything I know how to do other than breathe and cry I’ve learned

Pop vs. Soda

Since I grew up drinking pop, I always feel a little like I'm denying my cultural heritage by now drinking soda. But all those taunts in college for calling a soft drink by a name commonly used in the Midwest got to me. I was delighted when a friend emailed me this amazing pop vs. soda map, which proves that Easterners are in the minority!! And I was happy it didn't break down to some kind of red state/blue state thing. (Although...it's close)

Soul Captives

The manuscript I'm working on is really bumming me out. Every time I think I’ve gotten into a groove with it, some other problem of disorganization, repetition, missing info, or confusion comes up. To make matters worse, the computer tech guy has camped himself out on the other side of my cubicle, in the empty art department cube. He babbles continually, won’t go away, and is generally annoying. To add to his problems, he doesn’t know what he’s doing and thinks if he talks more then that will cover up this fact: “Ah yes, well, fonts—fonts can be very troublesome. What you might what to do is try out a new font program. As you probably know, well, there are many different kinds of font programs. What we’ll do, maybe, maybe what we’ll do is I’ll talk to someone and we can get you another font program, maybe as a ‘test run,’ you and a couple others can try out another font program, then we’ll come back and see what you think—if your fonts work any better. Of course, it could not be font program at all, but if it is the font program at least this way we’ll know, with the next font program. Can I ask you something? Which font program are you using now?”
etc.
This afternoon I was checking out the website for my health insurance, trying to see when and if I can go see Joe again. While on it, I discovered that my insurance, while it does cover elective abortions (woohoo!), it does not cover costs surrounding organ transplants when the implanted organ is mechanical or from an animal. There goes my monkey heart!
When I told this to my cubicle mates, my cubicleboy asked “What if you lose a finger, and you need to get your big toe to replace your thumb?” Which, of course, started a whole conversation about how creepy this was, and I jumped up to demonstrate (of course, it’s kind of ruined since only my toenails are painted). I think this was the best part of my day. The resulting photo will be uploaded to cubicleboy’s computer wallpaper tomorrow.

cameraphone pics!

I've finally uploaded all my photos that I took on with my cell phone from the winter. I figured, with the summer heat, they were more than appropriate viewing material. You can view them here on Flickr, click on the next little image on the right to view the next photo and my witty comment.

Dog Destroys Elvis' Teddy Bear at Museum

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: August 4, 2006

Filed at 9:58 a.m. ET

LONDON (AP) -- A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children's museum.

"He just went berserk," said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor. The bear, named Mabel, was made in 1909 by the German manufacturer Steiff.

The collection, valued at more than $900,000, included a red bear made by Farnell in 1910 and a Bobby Bruin made by Merrythought in 1936.

The bear with Elvis connections was owned by English aristocrat Benjamin Slade, who bought it at an Elvis memorabilia auction in Memphis, Tenn., and had loaned it to the museum.

"I've spoken to the bear's owner and he is not very pleased at all," Medley said.

A security guard at the museum, Greg West, said he spent several minutes chasing Barney before wrestling the dog to the ground.

I would give a week's wages to watch Alex Trebek and Pat Sajack make out

So, my adoring (albeit imaginary) public, sorry I have not written all week. Vacation was wonderful, and refreshing, and as this little blog is mostly a diversion I needed it less, because life seems a little better after you’ve spent some time on the beach. My mother was an even better travel companion than I expected, and not only submitted to watching me drink a six-pack right in front of her, she even bought me a cooler so it would stay cold. Sometimes it’s hard being the biggest boozer in your family, but if there’s anything my mom does well it’s enable.

While I was on vacation I tried to catch the Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! power hour as much as possible, since I’m rarely in home in time to see it. It was “teen best friends week” on the WHEEL (as it’s called on the streets), which was horribly annoying. Each day they had a pair of nerds, a pair of black kids, and a pair of girls that could screech so piercingly that they broke the sound barrier. Pat Sajak’s ears starting bleeding during one show. As for Jeopardy!, I was lamenting the horrible “about the contestants” thing they do near the beginning. I just know these people have more interesting things to share than “one time I sat next to an old guy in England and he talked to me for about 10 minutes and I had no idea what he was saying the whole time.” I think if Alex had it his way, each contestant would share something about their sex lives.
“So...you collect cock rings?” or
“I hear you and your husband are swingers?” or
“So one time you were having sex with an old man for ten minutes before he realized you were a man?”
This would also help us, the viewer, figure out which person to root for better. Because everyone knows the kinkiest person always wins Jeopardy.

p.s. I will post the next exciting installment of Cat vs. AC soon.