All I want for Christmas is a rainbow guitar strap

Don't thank me, thank The Tube.

Pop Culture Dreams

As a frequent dreamer and consumer of pop culture, I often have pop culture–related dreams. Which of these should I be the most worried about? (These are all real by the way, written down in my various dream journals in the past year.)

1. I'm in the back seat of a car with some people, on our way to a pool. Through a conversation we're having, I come to realize that the edition of Gone with the Wind that I have was not the original one. In both of our versions Rhett and Scarlett went to see a movie together, but in my version, the movie they go see is Star Wars, and there's a lot of talk about Star Wars. But in the real version, they went to see a different movie, and the version I have was a special promotional version that was put out when Star Wars came out. Suddenly it all seems so obvious--of course, Star Wars wasn't even out during the Civil War! and I say, "look, the only picture in mine is of a space ship from Star Wars!" I am devastated not only because I had been duped, but because the version of the book I have was my mother's, and its inscribed to her from her mother. And no one knew all along that it was the wrong version.

2. I'm in the final fashion show for America's Next Top Model and the challenge is that I'm supposed to walk down the runway looking mad.

3. At I'm work, which has relocated to two doors down from my apartment building. Howard K. Stern calls me from Anna Nicole's wake, or maybe it was Danilynn's birthday, I don't know. I'm pretty psyched about this because he wants to do a book, like an autobiography or something, with us, and I think it's going to make a ton of money. The next thing I know, he's in my cubicle, shaking the back of my chair, and he talks me into getting up and waltzing with him in space between our cubicles.

4. I'm making out with Vic Mackey.

5. Steve Martin is being honored at an awards show that I am in charge of. I see him on some steps and I think, "Is that Steve Martin? He looks like shit!" He's wearing a tux, but he's all unshaven and he just got out of rehab. Then he comes up to me and grumbles about how he maybe he shouldn't have come, and people aren't going to like him, etc. I grab the fleshy part of his face just above his chin and give him a kiss on the opposite cheek. We exchange meaningful looks.

6. My mom stabs Alan Arkin in the back of the neck.

I would watch the Emmys

if these were the nominees.

Dear Jack Nicholson, I'm totally putting you on my myspace page

1. Clear your calendar for the next 20 minutes
2. Read this 1984 Rolling Stone interview with Jack Nicholson
3. Just try to tell me it's not one of the most fascinating pop culture interviews you've ever read

Here are some quotes to whet your appetite (hint: read them in your head in Jack's voice):

On BFF Warren Beatty:
I certainly know that he loves Diane Keaton. Maybe I shouldn't say that, because he doesn't want to have his personal life discussed, but in this case—[laughs]—fuck him.

On women:
I prefer the company of women, and I have deep respect for them. I'm buzzed by the female mystique. I always tell young men there are three rules: They hate us, we hate them; they're stronger, they're smarter; and, most important, they don't play fair.

On The Postman Always Rings Twice:
See, Americans don't like sexual movies, they like sexy movies.

On aging:
I don't want to be a man who, just past a certain point of physicality, believes it when young women who aren't say they actually prefer you this way....It's a goofy, clownish part; I don't mind acting it, but I don't want to be it.

Five Reasons to Watch Saving Grace

Though the best new show on cable may be Mad Men, the most watched is Saving Grace, a Highway to Heaven update starring the commanding Holly Hunter. I chalk this up to everyone who's read The Left Behind series, but of course, that lead-in from Kyra Sedwick's The Closer, of whose audience SG retains 91 percent, doesn't hurt.

The show is rough around the edges—critics bemoan the angel-saving-the-wicked-woman premise, and I wish they'd give up on the tidy, police procedural plotlines and just let the actors act already—but it stands up, and hasn't become tired like the "get to the point already" Damages on FX.

Just in time for you to catch the last two episodes of the season before Heroes starts up on Mondays, here's five reasons to watch:

1. Holly Hunter
I know I don't need to convince you that Holly Hunter is a good actress. In the show, Hunter's nuanced acting makes her a joy to watch in any scene, even those suffering from often-cheesy dialogue (much of it penned by The Closer's Nancy Miller). And I don't think I could ever get sick of watching her drink, smoke, and fuck (all of which she does a lot of). Bonus points for scenes of her and a hot cowboy cop galloping on horses.

2. Oklahoma
I bet that it's actually filmed in LA, but the show takes place in Oklahoma (which is this state by Texas). The characters are always climbing trees and hanging out in barns and hick bars. And as we are continually reminded, Grace's sister died in the Oklahoma City bombing. Watching a series that takes place in a red state is kind of interesting, and there are some very pretty landscape shots.

3. Laura San Giacomo is more Kit than Maya
Laura San Giacomo, who plays a forensics expert and has all of the "CSI" lines, is so likable you'll forget having to watch her as annoying Maya Gallow, lecturing David Spade on Just Shoot Me, and remember her as Julia Robert's lovable BHF (best hooker friend) in Pretty Woman.

4. Earl the Angel Isn't the Only One in Heaven
Like all Shield fans (yes, I'm bringing up The Shield again), I've felt that the world hasn't been quite right ever since Lem fell victim to the ol' grenade-dropped-in-the-backseat. But here, we get to see Lem in his perfect afterlife. Instead of getting left by Vic to babysit three Salvadoran drug runners (and subsequently having to fight them all off), Lem—oops, I mean Ham—is left by Grace to sit in a one of those wooden porch chairs outside of her grandfather's trailer, gazing at the sun (Lem almost gets shot in the head with a rifle; Ham, pooped on by a bird). Adding to the Oz-esque atmosphere of Lem's redemption-filled afterlife are his old nemeses in new roles: the woman who turned him in to IAD as a helpless rape victim, the IAD guy she talked to as Kit's husband. Pretty soon Forrest Whitaker is going to show up as his uncle or something.

5. Grace is an atheist
I think the whole angel thing would do me in, but the show's saving grace (ha! get it?) is that Grace herself is an atheist. Unfortunately I don't think the show can go on for many more seasons before she converts, but as long as she keeps up her bad behavior, I may just be hooked.